


A Deal to Die For

by jackkel



Category: Law & Order: SVU, Supernatural
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 08:18:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 92,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11779113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackkel/pseuds/jackkel
Summary: After Alex was shot, Olivia made a deal. They would bring back the one she loved most and give her eight years. No one said it would be easy, or fair. Time is almost up. Will the detective fight for her life or succumb to a fate worse than death? A/O. Supernatural crossover but won't really come in until later. Cross posted on ff.net.





	1. Eight Years Left

**A Deal to Die For**

**Chapter One** : **Eight Years Left...**

 

I was never the praying type. I wasn't a devout Catholic like my partner, Elliot. After witnesses the horrific things we encountered daily, I wondered how he could still believe in a higher power. If there was a God, he either didn't care or he simply looked away from all the sins happening on Earth. How many victims pleaded to him as they were being raped and tortured? Murdered?

What about me? God must have abandoned me before I was even born. Otherwise, he wouldn't have given me a rapist for a father, and left me with the broken alcoholic that became my mother.

Because of the circumstances of my birth I decided to become a detective. I was determined to help the women like my mother and stop the bastards reminiscent of my father. I wouldn't turn my back on them like God had. I would save them.

Despite my good intentions, I was young and naive. Some of the victims went on to lead normal lives but many...most did not. The healing process was slow. The wounds were gaping and infected. I couldn't save them like I wanted to. Hell, I couldn't even save my own mother. Back then every new case took a small piece from me.

After darkness comes dawn, right? Cliché? Sure. Cheesy? You bet. In my case those words spoke the truth. I had my fair share of romances and one-night stands. Brian Cassidy was what I liked to call a one-night mistake. At one point in time, I even thought I might be in love with Abbie Carmichael. That quickly ended once she decided that transferring to Washington D.C was the best move for her career, and I decided that I didn't have time for a long-distance relationship.

Then along came Alex and my world changed. She was absolutely spoiled, arrogant, too ambitious...intelligent, and beautiful. Shining.

Of course, I played it off cool in the beginning. I know what people say about me, and I had an image to keep up. The leather, the hair, and the swagger was no mere accident. I couldn't keep my composure all the time; sometimes, I think Cabot knew just how to get under my skin.

I will admit that I had almost given up. I mean sure, Alex threw subtle hints of interest towards me: a lingering touch here, a rapidly beating heart there, the occasional flirting, but nothing that I could be sure of. She simply would not warm towards me.

Somehow, we both managed to get past the Eric Plummer and Sam Cavanaugh fiascoes. When I look back, I realize that those were two of the three most defining cases of our relationship. Those were the cases that almost ruined us beyond repair, but also formed a bond that couldn't be broken. The Cavanaugh case stripped her down; it exposed her. We finally got to see the woman behind the expensive suits and the relentless pursuit of political power. On the inside Alex was like the rest of us; just another lost soul trying to leave her mark on the world. I asked her to have a drink, and for the first time she accepted. We both were staggering drunk, and I ended up crashing on the couch at her place. From there on it was a whirlwind.

I don't think any two people fell in love so easily throughout the history of time. A year went by and my fucking heart felt like it wanted to explode. It felt even better because I knew deep down that she felt the same way. Elliot seemed a little irritated at first, but he got over it. He must have figured out that it would be a cold day in hell before I let Alex go.

We moved in together.

Before I knew it, I was going ring shopping. I made it a big deal to ask Elliot and Kathy to come along with me. Kathy was so enthusiastic that we spent most of the day in the city trying to find the perfect ring to symbolize my love. Maybe she was just happy to get out of the house and away from four kids or she was finally just relieved that I wasn't trying to steal her husband. Either way we were both happy.

She said yes, and we lived happily ever, right?... Not exactly

First, there was Alex's mother. To say she disapproved was an understatement. Alex invited her over to share the good news, and she just snapped. She started screaming about how Alex wasn't really a lesbian, and that I was ruining her life. She said that Alex could flush her political ambitions down the toilet because no one would vote for some dyke. If she wasn't Alex's mother I would have punched the old broad's fucking lights out.

I couldn't believe that Alex was just sitting there and taking the abuse. I jumped out of my seat ready to defend her honor if not anything else. I felt a hand take my arm, and gently pull me back down to my seat.

Blue eyes turned to meet blue. Alex and her mother were almost identical in physical features: they were both slim, pale and blonde with blue eyes. However, there was a distinct difference in their personalities.

Alex would not be controlled by the society she was raised in. She took my hand in her own and calmly explained to her mother that we would be together, and there was nothing she could do to convince her otherwise. I wanted to kiss her right there...so I did. Her mother got up and left, and that was the last time she ever saw her daughter.

We set a wedding date. I couldn't have been happier.

I should have known it was too good to be true. Life hadn't given me any breaks, why should it start now?

They shot her.

When Alex went after that murdering rapist bastard Raphael Zapata, a hit was put out on her. She refused to back down or go into hiding. It is amazing how the things I loved her for, were the same things that drove me crazy.

When the bullets started ringing I threw myself down. Call it a cops instinct, but I hate myself for it now. She wasn't quite as quick as Elliot and I.

By the time I reached her, Alex was already gasping for air. I pressed my palms as hard as I could against her wound, but her life kept rushing through my fingers.

Alex survived the trip to the hospital but she was already slipping away. Every breath was becoming a struggle.

God...

Baby, they say that you might not make it.

I stare through the glass my insides hollow as they try to resuscitate her. I'm alone watching her die, they wouldn't let Elliot come back.

…..She flat lined.

God...

I pound on the glass so hard that my knuckles bleed. The hospital security soon showed up and made me wait in the lobby.

Soon Captain Cragen and the rest of the squad come. Alex's mother also barges in demanding to see her. I couldn't even look at her; Alex's blood was all over me. Elliot talks for me. I can't speak. I am consumed with rage and guilt.

When they pronounced her dead; I walked out.

I could hear her mother's screams behind me.

I made it back to the precinct in record breaking time. I can feel my heart slamming painfully against my chest, and my temples throbbed constantly. I threw my locker open and grabbed the Teflon vest that I kept stored inside. I strapped it on over the shirt covered with your blood, my black leather goes on top.

I took all of my spare clips, and stuffed them in my pockets for easy access. I also tuck a 9 mm against the groove of my lower back.

I slammed the locker shut, and sobbed forcefully doubling over. After a moment, I managed to pull myself together and clip my badge to the front of my jacket. I want Zapata to see who is coming.

As I am leaving, the door bursts open and Elliot rushes in. Luckily, the precinct was deserted and most of the squad were still at the hospital with Alex's body. He freezes for a moment when he sees the vest I am wearing and the dead look in my eyes. I tried to rush past him but he easily scooped me up and slammed me on a nearby desk.

"What the hell are you doing?" he demanded.

"Get the fuck off me, El." I said in a deadly whisper.

"Liv, the Feds picked up Zapata, he's going to rot in prison. There is nothing you can do about it. This won't bring Alex back and you know it."

I shoved him off me and swung wildly with my fist. He just dodged the blow and slammed me back down on the desk. I thrashed madly and called him every name I could think of, but he refused to let go. He just stood there taking it.

My partner...

Would he be so fucking rational if it were Kathy on the slab instead?

No, but the logical woman still in my mind knows that I would try to stop him too if the situations were reversed.

Fuck that. Fuck logical. He can hold me down now but he can't hold me forever. I will find some way to get to that bastard even if it kills me.

After a few moments of holding me down, Elliot finally released me. I made a beeline for the door but he touched my shoulder.

" You can go, I won't try to stop you. Go on a rampage if you want." Elliot said quietly. "Barge into a secure lock down and try to get to Zapata before they kill you."

I was halfway out the door to the elevator before he spoke again " But, I'm going with you."

I froze midway and glared behind me "No, you aren't."

There was no way in the hell I would allow Elliot to come. If I was honest with myself I knew this was a suicide mission. There was no way I could get to Zapata. The government probably wanted him dead a lot more than I did. He had killed one of their own. If I died my partner and the squad would miss me, but they would eventually move on. Elliot, on the other hand had a wife and four kids who needed him.

"I'm going alone," I said coldly.

"How you gonna stop me, Liv?" he dared. "You'll have to kill me first."

I sighed inwardly burning with rage and loyalty towards my partner. I just couldn't bear to lose another person I loved.

"I'm going home." I said accepting defeat, but not wanting to say so out loud.

I thought I saw Elliot sigh with relief but I ignored him and waited for the elevator. I saw him come to stand in my peripheral vision.

"Liv, you know that I can't let you leave here with a gun."

"I'm fine," I snapped.

He held out his hand, " I wasn't asking. Captain already gave me permission to take it."

I snatched my gun out of the holster and checked its safety before handing it to him. "Happy?"

"Not until you give me the 9."

That son of a bitch knew me too well. I shake my head, and reached behind me taking the spare 9mm from my lower back. Normally, I would keep the gun at home, but I had stored it in the precinct while my apartment was being repaired.

I put the 9mm in his hand and stepped on the elevator. As the doors closed, I looked up at Elliot and tears begin to brim my eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Liv."

I'm grateful that the door closed shut before I started sobbing again.

* * *

 

_Alex. Alex. How can you be dead?_

I woke up to a sharp probe against my rib cage. I opened my eyes and quickly shielded them against the blinding sunlight.

A beat cop was standing over me and holding his nightstick " Rise and shine. Look lady, you can't sleep here go somewhere else."

" Where is here?" I croaked blinking my eyes to clear my vision.

"Central Park. Now get going."

I sat up on the hard bench and watched him walk down the runner's trail. I staggered to my feet trying to clear my head of the massive headache that had formed.

I remember after I left the precinct I couldn't face an empty apartment. I wandered the city all night instead. Apparently, I winded up sleeping on a bench in Central Park. I desperately needed a shower and a fresh change of clothing but I still couldn't bring myself to go home. I now had my whole life to go home to an empty apartment.

I stopped at the nearest twenty-four-hour liquor store and bought a bottle of scotch; last night it had been vodka. I must have looked odd standing there disheveled with blood shot eyes wearing a Teflon vest underneath a leather jacket.

Outside of the store, I twisted the cap and took a long swig from the glass bottle. I shut my eyes against the taste and cringed as the warm liquid burned its way down my throat. I finished the bottle sending it crashing onto the brick wall of the store.

My cell phone rang and it was Elliot probably checking in on me. Stupid Elliot. " Hello?" I heard my voice slur.

The voice on the other end sighed " You're drunk Liv. Where are you?"

I looked around too quickly and nearly fell. I staggered managing to keep my balance and the phone in my hand, "H... How the hell should I know?" I answered laughing at the stupid questions he always asked.

I threw the phone against the wall as well, and enjoyed watching it explode into tiny little pieces of plastic.

The store owner ran out yelling at me in Chinese or something that sounds like it and threatened to call the police. I laughed at him and pretended to shoot him with my index finger and thumb 'gun.'

"I _am_ the police," I said before stumbling away.

Before I knew it the sun was falling and I managed to sober up a little after vomiting a few times. I decided to go home and face my empty apartment and then Elliot. I took the quickest route of transport, the subway.

I found an empty car and sat down on one of the filthy seats. I tried and failed not to think about Alex's cold body in the morgue. I cried again and pulled my knees up to my chest.

"Are you alright, ma'am?" an unfamiliar voice asked.

I looked up to see a woman with dark hair and bright green eyes leaning towards me. She wore a black spaghetti strapped top, a pair of blue jeans and high heels. The cop in me quickly decided it wasn't safe for a young woman like her to ride the subway alone. I told her that I was fine and put my head back down. She sat down in the seat next to me.

"Are you sure that you're alright?" she asked.

I decided not to respond in hopes that she would go away. Not only did she not take the bait, but she asked me what my name was.

"Olivia," I mumbled wiping my eyes and setting my feet on the floor. I noticed that she hadn't said her name, but I didn't care to ask.

"Why were you crying?" she asked smiling, I couldn't place it but something was off about this woman.

"A woman I loved died," I replied staring blankly out of the window.

"Olivia, death is a natural part of life. We shouldn't mourn those who leave us, but instead rejoice for them."

"Don't preach to me. There wasn't anything natural about the way she died," I snapped at the woman.

The smile never let her face; even as I got up and moved away.

" I'd bet you'd give anything to have her back, wouldn't you?"

I shook my head and laughed bitterly " Anything." I buried my head in my hands quickly hiding the tears coming to my eyes.

I felt the woman sit next to me again, but I refused to look up. "What if I told you that _I_ could give her back? And it wouldn't even cost you anything, not for eight whole years."

I lifted my head fury quickly igniting inside my chest " Listen, I don't know who in the hell you are-"

I suddenly lost my voice because the once emerald eyes were now a crimson red. They changed back to normal so quickly that I wondered if it was just the after effects of the alcohol.

She kept smiling, "Do we have a deal?"

I must have been still been drunk because I asked, " What happens after eight years?"

That damned smile, "I think you know the answer to that."

I knew what she was implying, but I refused to believe that it was possible. The concept of a human soul was simply our conscious within us, not an immortal life force.

" If I were you, I would stay away from PCP."

The subway screeched and slowly came to a halt. Before I could step off onto the platform the woman spoke again.

"What are you going do Olivia?" she asked, "What will you do when they put her six feet under the ground? Where will you be when her flesh begins to rot, and her bones turn to dust?"

I looked up at the ceiling as a wave of anguish washed over me. I spun back around facing the woman. I felt so desperate and hopeless. What else could I do?

"I will do whatever you ask," I heard my voice say.

The lights flickered and went off. When they came back on the woman was standing right in front of me.

"Do we have a deal Olivia Benson?" she asked. I didn't bother to ask how she knew my full name. In my heart, I knew the answer.

I swallowed hard and clenched my jaw, my eyes set with determination, "Yes, just bring Alex back."

The stranger grabbed me by the collar of my leather coat and pulled me into a deep kiss. I returned it equally pouring all the love I felt for Alex into it.

It was the coldest kiss I ever had.

"I'll take care of all the details," she replied, " Oh, and Olivia...I'll see you in eight years."

The lights flickered off and when they returned, she was gone.

* * *

Despite a protest from Elliot, I went back to work a couple of days later. I tried to forget about what happened on the subway, and told myself not to drink so much again. Alex was gone and no amount of hocus pocus could bring her back.

When the Captain came out to tell us that Zapata had been killed in a holding cell with no witnesses, I smiled. I only wished that I could have been there to pull the trigger on the bastard myself. He then told us that Agent Hammond wanted to see us about closing the case.

As far as I was concerned, until I saw Velez and the assassin that killed Alex burn, the case would never be closed.

I went along with Elliot to a secluded area surround by tall sedge plants. There were black cars and SUVs lined up behind the lanky row of plants.

Upon our arrival Hammond immediately stepped out of the passenger's side of a Chevy Caprice and began leading us towards another black vehicle

"Nice location...convenient," said Elliot sarcastically taking in our surroundings.

"Sorry," said Hammond unfazed my partners sense, or lack of humor. "Only way to do this."

"Do what?"

"Wouldn't take no for an answer. A real pain in the ass this one."

A Marshall opened the door and a ghost stepped out. I felt too many emotions at once: relief, joy, love...and fear. Alex was alive, but her ice blue eyes were filled with such despair.

"I am so sorry about all of this," she whispered.

I could barely find my own voice. I tried to take in every ounce of her at one time and tears came to my eyes, " Your funeral is tomorrow."

"You're both expected to attend. For the time being Miss Cabot is better off dead." I heard Hammond say from behind me. "If Velez can get to Zapata, he can get to her."

"Witness Protection?" Elliot asked.

"Until Velez is extradited or otherwise dealt with." she confirmed woefully.

"How long?" I had finally gotten Alex back, only to find out that she was leaving me again

She struggled for the answer before finally shrugging. Too soon and Hammond was saying that it was time to go. Alex reached for my hand and I saw the ring glistening on her finger. It gave me a small glimmer of hope as they hauled the woman I loved away.

I only have eight years left to see her, it was bitter sweet. I was overjoyed that Alex was alive but bitter that she was gone. Every second steadily ticked towards my certain doom. What in the hell _would_ happen after eight years?

At that moment, I know that there had to be a god, because I had clearly made a deal with the devil.

TBC-


	2. Six Years Left

**A Deal to Die For**

**Chapter 2: Six Years Left...**

 

_I_ _flung myself over Alex as bullets soared above our heads. She was shaking with terror, but I held her tight against me using my own body as a shield._

" _It's going to be alright," I told her as the explosion of bullets finally ceased._

_I reached for my gun, and rolled off Alex as the black SUV shooting at us tried to speed away. I quickly got to my feet, and fired two perfectly accurate shots hitting the rear tires. The SUV swerved wildly and crashed into a nearby fire hydrant._

_Two masked men rushed from the black vehicle with machine guns firing. I smirked, and fire another blast from my Glock catching one perp squarely between the eyes. Elliot makes quick work of the other, and there is a deafening silence._

_I holstered my gun and ran back to Alex throwing my arms around her. " Are you okay, sweetie?" I asked checking her for any wounds._

_She smiled that perfect smile of hers, and caressed my cheek " I'm fine thanks to you, Liv."_

_I can't take my eyes off her; she is too beautiful. Too perfect." I told you that I'd protect you."_

" _I will call for back up just in case Zapata has more thugs coming," Elliot interrupted whipping out his radio._

_I turned away from Alex to see my partner walking cautiously towards the black SUV gun in one hand and radio in the other." Shots fired... suspects down. We're on the corner of-"_

_I quickly turn my attention back to Alex to see her smiling fondly at me. Her eyes were crimson red._

" _No!" I screamed." Stay away from her!"_

_Alex lunged for my throat, and my feet left the ground. I struggled to breathe as her hand squeezed my wind pipe. I tried to call for Elliot, but he was no longer in ear shot._

" _Your eight years are up Olivia, it's time to pay," the monster said with Alex's voice._

_My feet dangled uselessly, and I felt darkness beginning to suffocate me. The hands that were once used to touch me ever so gently were now crushing my throat. I heard a loud_ _**crunch** _ _sound and I soon fell into oblivion..._

I woke up from the nightmare drenched with sweat. I smoothed the sticky hair back from around my face, and climbed out of bed.

Damn it Alex. I couldn't even save her properly in my own dreams.

It's been about a year since she 'died'. I just couldn't face the thought of her being gone; so, I made a deal with the devil wearing a pretty face. She would bring Alex back, and give me eight years without a price.

Now I'm truly lost. Should I try to move forward, and find someone else? Or, should I waste my last 7 years hoping for Alex to come back?

Scotch will help me to better decide.

I trudged into the kitchen and helped myself to a shot of the almost copper drink. My eyes shut closed until the last drop of liquor slid down my throat.

I poured myself another glass and held it towards the ceiling. I thought twice about it, and then lowered it towards the floor " Here's to you mom."

I finished it with a long gulp, and then wiped the corner of my mouth. I heard my phone ringing back in the bed room and quickly went to answer.

" Benson."

I stiffened at the voice on the other end. She was the last person on the face of the earth that I expected to hear from.

"Miss Cabot. To what do I owe this...displeasure," I growled through the phone. I didn't have to be civil to the old bitch now that Alex was gone.

I was even more surprised when she asked to come to her pent house on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. I checked my watch and read the time to be just after two in the morning.

What the hell could Alex's mom possibly want with me in the middle of the night? I told her to wait forty-five minutes and hung up. I took a shower and brushed my teeth to wash away the stink of sweat and booze. I threw a pair of jeans, an NYPD t-shirt, and shrugged on my black leather coat. The same one I had worn on the night Alex was killed.

I took a cab to Miss Cabot's apartment, and paid the ridiculous cab fee. The building was everything I expected it to be: statuesque with plenty of security to keep people like me out. Luckily, Cabot had the foresight to tell the door man that I was coming and he sent me up to the top floor without incident.

A Hispanic woman opened the door and invited me inside. I stuffed my fists inside my pockets, and followed her through mansion- like apartment.

I almost felt sympathy for Miss Cabot when I saw her appearance for the first time. She was as pale as a ghost and even thinner. Her once ice blue eyes were dull and sunken in. I was surely no doctor but I could tell that she was dying.

She coughed harshly and sat up on the edge of the bed, "Olivia, I didn't think you would come."

I shrugged unsure of what to say or what she wanted from me "Miss Cabot what can I do for you?" I asked impatiently anxious to get back home to my bed. Didn't she realize that some of us had to work for a living?

" Call me Linda...I'm dying Olivia," she said bluntly.

She didn't say what she was dying of, and I didn't ask.

I tried to feel sympathy for her, really, I did. After all, she was the mother of the woman I loved. She was also the woman who walked out on what was supposed to be the happiest moment in her daughter's life. She was the woman who blamed me for Alex's death, and told me so at her funeral.

I wanted to hate her, but I couldn't. I knew first hand that mothers weren't exactly perfect, and she did seem to love Alex a great deal. I could easily see the pain and guilt in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," I replied gently.

She waved me off and then erupted into another fit of coughs. I saw a glass of water on her nightstand an offered it to her. She drank greedily until it was empty.

"You should try to get some rest." I tried coaxing her into bed. I pulled back the spread and helped her to lay back in the huge bed. I pulled the covers up to her chest, and settled myself into a nearby chair.

Linda chuckled lightly "Alexandra was my only child; you must have really loved her to be here with me now."

"She would want someone to be here with you."

"... Did she suffer?"

I looked away as tears started building up in my eyes. There was no way I could let Alex's mom see any weakness from me. I could have told her the truth; bullets had pierced Alex's heart and lungs and made every breathe she took agonizing.

"No, she didn't suffer," I lied.

Her breathing began to become shallow, and I found myself reaching for my cellphone to dial 911. She shook her head and motioned for me to put the phone away.

"Nothing can help me now." she croaked out.

"Why did you call me?" I asked softly '' Out of all the people you would want here, why me?"

"I wanted Alexandra here with me." she answered hoarsely. " Before she died you were the closest person to her."

We fell into a comfortable silence and I occasionally glanced at my watch. Two agonizing hours passed.

I contemplated on if I should tell her that Alex was in fact alive. Would I ease a dying woman's suffering by letting her know that her only daughter was alive? Or hold on to the grudge I still felt because she tried to come between Alex and I?

Damn it.

"Miss Cabot...Linda...I have something to tell you," I sighed waiting for the woman's eyes to flutter open.

"Yes, Olivia?" the older woman trembled.

I decided to just give it to her straight. After all, time was a factor, and she would need a moment to process the information.

"Alex is alive," I told her candidly. " She's been alive this entire time in the Witness Protection Program."

I waited for a response, but none came. The woman's eyes had fluttered shut and this time nothing I said could awaken her. Instinctively, I flipped open my phone to call an ambulance, but I eventually closed it. Her suffering was finally over.

"I'll see you in hell," I whispered solemnly smoothing back her golden blonde hair.

Then for Alex's sake I leaned forward and kissed the woman on her forehead. Shoving my fists into my pocket, I left the apartment and never looked back.

* * *

Another year went by, and the perverts of New York City are still at large. I wish I could line them all up and pull the trigger. Then I could find Alex and take an extended vacation.

I'm beginning to think like Elliot too much. Could it be the fact that I only have six years left to make me think so cynically? Maybe it's the fact that I haven't had a drink in over three days working a new case?

It's nothing serious just a woman raped, beaten, stabbed and her throat slashed... I can only shake my head in disgust. While I only have six years left to live, these sickos are free to walk amongst us.

For liberty and justice for all, my ass.

The deceased's named is Elena Brevet. She was left to die in a supply closet at Brevet Investments, a company she owned with her husband, Jason. Elliot and I eventually found him bound to a chair with his throat cut as well. The Brevets must have really pissed someone off.

We discovered that the Brevets were not so innocent as we thought. Apparently, the investment company was not doing so well and both husband and wife were in some major debt. The smartest move to get out of that debt obviously was to help launder Colombian drug money.

Lie down with dogs and wake up with fleas.

The money laundering scheme went deeper than we thought. Evidently, a few good Samaritans thought it would be profitable to write good checks for the Colombians in exchange for drug money. The good folks at Brevet investments would then wire the money 'legitimately' to a company in Columbia.

Another lead sends us to the home of a man named Felix Montoya. The poor bastard and his wife are already dead by the time we get there. What kind of cold hearted dick can shoot two people in the back of the head, and then shoot a child with a pillow over his face?

If this is the kind of evil a human being with a soul can do; I wonder if there is anything left for the devil?

Whoever it was the stupid son of a bitch didn't finish the job. The boy, Antonio Montoya, survived and now we have him.

A ballistics report from the gun used reopened new wounds. Wounds that had not even begun to close let alone heal.

The same gun that was used in the shootings also delivered that fatal shot to Alex. The same gun that ripped any chance of happiness away from me.

I'm gonna make sure this son of a bitch fries for what he did.

If we can ever find him.

We found Liam Connors aka ' The Ghost' from a parking ticket. Criminals are stupid. As soon as they make a sloppy mistake five-o will be there faster than I can say 'indict'.

I was tempted to shoot him in the face on principle. The smug bastard has a chance of escaping because of some technicality, as always.

Casey throws us a curve ball that has Elliot and I quite uneasy. She wants us to arrest Connors for Alex's murder. Technically he did kill her, but no one else knows about the deal I made to bring her back.

We just charged Connors with a crime he didn't do.

Who fucking cares? As if the countless numbers of injustices he committed mean nothing?

Fast forward and I find out that Alex has been in Wisconsin this whole time. One day's drive at the most and we could have been together.

Dark thoughts cloud my mind, insecure thoughts. Why didn't she try to call or get in contact with me? A letter, telephone, email, MySpace, anything would have been sufficient.

Has she moved on? Has she forgotten about me?

I can't blame her if she did; it has been two years. She probably thought that she would never come back to New York again, and had to move on with her life.

I don't have the same luxury of just moving on, my soul is hanging in the balance. Time was slowly dragging me to hell; I couldn't move on even if I wanted to.

I guess that's why I was crying before my shift at the hotel began. Alex was back to testify against Connors, and under 24-hour surveillance split between Elliot and I.

I finished off a tiny bottle of vodka before I got out of the car. I placed my head heavily on the steering wheel. I was becoming just like my mother, an alcoholic. The one road I promised to myself not to take.

_Yeah, that was before you sold your soul._

Mom had an excuse too.

I popped a fistful of tic tacs into my mouth and went inside the hotel room. Once I'm inside Elliot gives me curious look like he knows what I've been up to.

I keep my eyes expressionless, and he gives me another dirty look. He said goodbye to Alex and left the hotel.

We must have stared at each other for hours. She still looked the same expect her hair was longer, her eyes harder. She'd lost weight, but nothing to be alarmed over.

I stuffed my hands inside my coat, and gave her a lopsided grin, "Hi."

" Hi Liv," was her response.

Like magnets we both crossed the room into a tight embrace. For the first time in two years I held her in my arms and smelled her sweet scent.

When I pulled back I noticed the engagement ring still on the finger. I inwardly sighed with relief. Maybe there was still a chance for us.

I wanted to talk, but Alex had other ideas in mind. Not that I was complaining: I've been on a two-year dry spell with nothing but work and Elliot to keep me occupied

She kissed me roughly and slid the coat down from my shoulders. Before she left Alex was usually the aggressive in court but sensual in bed type. Again, I'm not complaining but it was surprising to me how she took control.

After wards, I laid in bed staring at the ceiling with Alex's face buried in the crook of my neck. I considered telling her about the deal for her life, but I decided against it. Even if she didn't think I was a complete lunatic; she had enough on her plate without having to worry about me.

"What are you thinking about?" she whispered.

I pulled her even closer to me " Thinking about how great that was."

She smiled, rubbing my thigh " What were you really thinking of?"

I stroked her cheek "Trust me baby, you don't want to know."

"Is there someone else you're thinking of?" she asked, "Casey Novak, maybe? I see the way she looks at you."

I was genuinely surprised, Casey? Sure, she was pretty, but I hadn't given her a second thought.

"I haven't been with anyone else," I told her.

I tried to kiss her again, but she pulled away. She sat up in bed and hugged her arms across her naked torso, " I have."

I blinked looking up at her with shock and disbelief glued on my face. Did she just say what I think she did?

"Who is she?" I asked hearing all the emotion leave from my voice.

"He...is a claims adjuster I've been Emily has been seeing."

I shook my head and turned my back to her. I don't know why I'm so upset to begin with; I was already expecting this.

But why does it hurt so fucking bad?

"It doesn't matter."

_I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry._

Alex put a hand on my shoulder and I flinch " You have to live your life Olivia." " I... may never get to come back."

Easier fucking said than done, Alex.

"I'll keep that in mind, Alex," I replied sarcastically.

"It's been two years, Liv."

"I get alright," I snapped. " I just want to go to sleep."

What I really wanted was a hard drink and my soul freed, but I didn't say anything. I heard Alex sigh and I knew that would be the end of the conversation.

I stared at the wall for a couple of hours until I heard her breathing steadily. I quietly moved from the bed without waking her and, pulled on my clothes. I kneeled beside her for a moment to stroke her lengthening hair.

" I love you Alex."

It was just as well. Alex deserved someone who she could devote the rest of her life to. I only had a measly six years to give.

* * *

With Alex's testimony Connors was convicted of all four counts of murder and two counts of attempted murder. He's not dead, but at least he won't see the light of day again.

We all stood in Casey Novak's office waiting to celebrate the good news with Alex, but she didn't come. Instead, Hammond showed up in her place. He told us that Alex and Antonio had been given new identities, and that she said goodbye.

I solemnly tried my best to accept the news. I probably won't get to see Alex again in my lifetime.

Before he left, Hammond slipped me a piece of paper discretely. I waited until I was away from prying eyes to read it.

In Alex's hand writing I read the words: I love you too.

I crumbled up the paper, and aimed for a nearby trash can. I though twice about it before stuffing the note in my pocket.

TBC...


	3. Four Years Left

A Deal to Die For

Chapter 3: Four Years Left...

What am I supposed to do?

Today I found out that the woman I love has been back in New York for an entire year, and not even called me.

An entire fucking year!

What am I supposed to do?

I tried to get in contact with her. I called and left several unreturned messages. Even Elliot and the guys tried various times without luck.

I wonder if that demon I sold my soul to knew this would happen. That stupid bitch, I bet she knew all along and is now laughing at my expense.

Stupid Benson.

Stupid, gullible, lovesick Benson.

I might as well pull the trigger right now and get it over with. I might as well stop wasting everyone's time and put myself out of my misery.

God, I want to...

And I would...if I hadn't bought myself a one-way ticket straight to hell. Despite, all of this I am in no rush to go downstairs. Besides, I paid for my eight years and dammit I'm gonna use every miserable minute of them.

At least, I know the truth now...

I can move on with the rest of my life.

I can really start living now.

Five years left? That's plenty of time, right?

Right?

…...I have never been more lost.

* * *

A year later...

I stared numbly at the hand being extended to me... Apparently, I was supposed to shake it... I vaguely wondered if I was having a bad dream or if I had simply woken up in hell?

" Don't get a head of yourself, Benson. Only four more years left until that happens."

_Earlier that day…_

When Casey Novak over extended her invitation to some retirement party for Arthur Branch, I politely declined

Too bad I thought that his appointed replacement 'Good Ole' Jack' McCoy was a hardnosed bastard who was not above prosecuting victims to achieve his own agenda. Not only that, but I had a stack of paperwork on my desk waiting to be filled out and turned in. Added to the fact that I haven't properly slept good in months, was enough to pass up the invitation all too quickly.

She seemed quite disappointed.

I suspected that she had other motives for the invitation...a date perhaps?

Sorry Case, but if you want me you'll have to come get and me. I've done enough of the cat chasing the mouse games. I won't pursue you.

My life is too short for that shit.

I underestimated Casey; she was young and persistent. She just wouldn't take no for an answer. Finally, when I couldn't handle her popping up after court...or the crib...or the ladies room anymore, I gave in.

Luckily, I won't have to go alone. I managed to sucker Elliot into coming along. I didn't have to try too hard though. Ever since Kathy left him, I think he will do anything to not go home to an empty house.

I guess we both have secrets to keep from one another.

The party had already begun by the time Captain Cragen let us leave work. I took a shower at the precinct and threw on some spare clothes that I had stored in my locker. A button-down blouse and slacks underneath my favorite black leather jacket were all I could throw together without rushing home to change.

I'm sure Branch will understand. We have bigger priorities than trying to be fashionably late to one of his affairs. At least I changed clothes, Elliot wore the same blue suit he'd worn all day at work.

We took a cab to the hotel lobby where the party was being held in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. The last time I was invited over to this side of town, I stood vigil over Alex's mother as she died.

Alex...

Alex...How could you?

We waited for Casey outside of the lobby entrance. She stepped out of the cab wearing a hot little black sleeveless dress and heels. I'm still getting used to the sudden hair change to blonde. I haven't decided if I like it or not.

I let out a low whistle as she approached, " Looking good, Novak."

" Hi, Liv."

I flashed her a bright smile and she blushed a brilliant shade of red. I heard Elliot scoff from behind me but I chose to ignore him. I offered my arm to Casey and we walked inside together with Elliot trailing closely behind.

Elliot and I were the only detectives to show up. Most of the party goers were lawyers and rich snobs whom I would never cross paths with again. A few snobs dressed in suits and evening gowns threw me dirty looks and I returned the gestures equally vicious.

The party was stiff and boring; the only plus side being a full-service bar. I left Casey and Elliot to mingle while I ordered a scotch with lime and told the bartender where to stick his ice.

As usual the first shot burned all the way down. I cleared my throat and ordered another. While the party hummed around me, I leaned over the bar engrossed in my own thoughts.

Alex.

It always came back to her no matter how I tried to escape. I can't help but think of how I've wasted my life on a woman who obviously never loved me.

If she did why wouldn't she come back?

I threw back the last shot and slapped some money on the bar. I didn't want to embarrass myself or my partner by getting too drunk. I stayed at the bar alone and waited for the right moment to sneak away and go home.

"Olivia?"

I closed my eyes and grimaced having recognized the voice. Of all the people who I didn't want to see. Of all the worst moments to run into someone, it had to be **_her._**

"Benson, is that you?"

I shook my head and ordered another drink as she approached. Screw it. I had no choice but to respond to the woman. I turned around to be faced with the dark-haired beauty, Abbie Carmichael.

She was my first ever serious relationship with another woman.

I gave her a weak smile, "Hey Abbie."

"Come on Benson, you look as though you've seen a ghost," the southern belle chimed.

"What brings you back to New York?" I asked forcing myself to make eye contact.

It was like trying to stare into the sun.

She had never quite forgiven me after the break up, and I eventually gave up trying to salvage our friendship.

Sure, I'll admit that I broke up with her rather suddenly, but only after she took a job offering in another state and didn't bother to talk it over with me.

I would have let her go. Hell, I might have even gone with her.

The point was she didn't ask.

"I'm here visiting Serena," she replied curtly. "Once I was in town I was invited to come."

I downed my drink and wished that she would go away. I had enough to worry about without having to relive my past mistakes.

"Benson, you're drinking now?" she asked sounding genuinely surprised.

"Evidently." I muttered staring down into the empty glass.

She leaned closer to be evidently feeding off my torment " You aren't up to your usual par," she said mockingly, "The leather is still there but where is the swagger? You look like you haven't slept in days and now you're even drinking? What's wrong little Benson?"

"Go fuck yourself," I snapped. "It's been seven long years since we broke up. Get the fuck over it."

Before she could answer I spotted Casey and quickly waved her over. Abbie glared at me but quickly recoiled her claws once the blonde prosecutor was near.

"Hey you. Why did you run off so quickly?" Casey asked.

I forced a smile in the presence of Abbie. "I didn't feel so well so I ordered a drink," I answered only having to partially lie," Can I buy you one?"

Casey ordered a glass of vodka and orange juice and took the seat on the opposite of me. I was planning to completely ignore Abbie altogether. Maybe she would take the hint and go away.

The Texan cleared her throat, "Aren't you gonna introduce me to your **_friend_** , Benson?"

I glared at the dark-haired woman before mumbling, " Casey this is Abbie Carmichael; Abbie this is Casey Novak."

"Casey Novak...I've heard the name before."

She already knew who Casey was before asking.

Bitch.

The two women reached across me to briefly shake hands.

"Abbie was just leaving."

Casey looked between us, " I'm sorry... am I interrupting something?"

"You sure do have a thing for blondes don't you Benson. First Alex and now her-"

"Wait a second Alex as in _Alex Cabot?"_ Casey asked choking on her drink.

"Stay out of my business." I growled towards Abbie.

There was really nothing I could do to salvage Alex's reputation. I just hoped that Casey wasn't the gossiping type.

I threw a few more bills on the table, and grabbed Casey's hand prepared to drag her away from Abbie if necessary. The dark-haired woman stood up with us and glanced into the crowd of party goers for a moment.

"Robert!" she called waving a man I didn't recognize towards us. Once the man heard his name being called he began to make his way over to us.

He was painfully handsome, tall with dark hair and clear blue eyes. The suit he was wearing would probably set someone like me back a few months' rent.

Why Abbie wanted to introduce us was beyond me, but I knew the bitch was up to something no good.

I saw Casey's eyes widen in shock. She closed her eyes pinching the bridge of her nose shaking her head.

"How are you Abbie?" the man asked politely grasping hands with my ex.

I looked between them warily, but decided to wait and see what they had in store for me. Abbie turned to look at us practically beaming.

"Where are my manners? This is Olivia Benson and Casey Novak," she explained. "May I introduce you to Robert McKenzie?"

" Oh, yes I remember-" I heard Casey almost groan as she clasped the man's hand

"Both women work for the Special Victims Unit," Abbie stated. "Robert here just proposed to Alex Cabot. I believe congratulations are in order."

The man beamed at us and nodded "... Yes, Alex speaks highly of your department. Perhaps she'll send an invitation to our wedding."

I must have looked strange to him with the blood rushing to my face and my features scrunched up as he offered his hand to me.

I stared dazedly at the hand being offered to me.

God, I wanted to die.

I have always prided myself on being able to read characters and sense vibes off people but I couldn't find anything off about this guy. He was good-looking and charming and I could see a soul behind his eyes.

I shook his hand and looked down at the floor.

I must have looked quite pathetic because Casey gazed at me with such pity in her eyes. I couldn't stand to look at her.

Even Abbie seemed less smug than a few minutes ago.

" I... I have to go..."

I didn't wait for any response as I was already making a path to the quickest escape. I bumped into Elliot before I could make it to the exit and found myself gagging.

He took me firmly by the shoulders and led me to the nearest bathroom. I scrambled away from him and made it to a stall just in time to puke my guts out.

I could hear Elliot clearing the bathroom despite some angry protests of the other occupants. I kept vomiting until my stomach ached.

He opened the stall and looked down on me with disapproval radiating from his hard-blue eyes. I broke down under his stare dissolving into a puddle at his feet.

"Elliot...please don't look at me," I moaned grasping him around the knees.

"Pull yourself together," he growled. " You're stone drunk and making a fool out of yourself."

I released him as my stomach rolled and I was forced to blow more chunks in the toilet. Elliot shook his head and walked out standing vigil outside of the stall.

He was right of course. I am a wreck. I'm an alcoholic, alone, and only have four years to live. How much lower can I stoop?

What am I supposed to do?

The restroom door opened followed by the clicking of heels, "How is she?" I heard Casey's voice dripping with concern.

"Drunk," Elliot replied. " What the hell happened in there? We leave her alone for an hour and she's throwing up."

Son of a bitch, doesn't he know that I can hear him?

Casey told him what happened

I heard a string of curses discharged from my partner. I shook my head and tried to block out their conversation.

"Don't worry Elliot, I 'accidentally' spilled my drink on Abbie before she left." Casey bragged.

After a while, I flushed the toilet and picked myself off the floor. I caught sight of myself in the mirror as I left the bathroom stall. My hair fell into my eyes which were red and puffy from sobbing. I looked pathetic and felt even worse.

No more.

No fucking more.

I'm tired of pinning over Alex who had obviously moved on with her life and left me without a backwards glance.

I've wasted four years waiting for her, and now only I have only four left.

Time to grow up Benson.

"I'm going home," I said stoically staring at myself in the mirror.

"Liv, give me your gun." said Elliot.

This time I didn't try to argue with him. I reached inside my leather coat and handed him the gun. He seemed taken aback that I had given it up so easily.

Sorry El, I'm going to hell and I'm in no rush to get there.

Casey insisted that I share a cab with her since we both lived on the same side of town. On the ride home, I told her about my situation with Abbie and why the woman wanted me to die...or at least suffer a great deal.

We arrived at my apartment in no time and I paid for the fair. I hesitated before I left the cab and asked Casey if she wanted to come up for a cup of coffee.

She smiled at me and said she would love to.

I guess we both wanted the same thing.

Casey settled on the living room couch while I went into the kitchen to fix us both coffee. I returned a few moments later with two steaming cups and handed her one.

" So... you and Alex, huh?"

I took a sip from the mug and tasted the bitter drink "...Yeah." I replied simply.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad to talk about it to someone else besides Elliot. I told her almost everything except for the part where I sold my soul. Even if she did believe me, I didn't want her to feel sorry for me more so than she already did.

I quickly changed the subject before thoughts of Alex began to bring me down. I was determined to purge the blonde from my thoughts even if it killed me to do so.

I excused myself to the kitchen in the guise of pouring myself another cup of coffee. I helped myself to a glass of scotch instead.

I suddenly felt a pair of slender arms drape around me. Casey's hands caressed around mine and placed the glass on the counter.

"Do you know what you're doing Casey?" I asked making sure there was no mistake of her intentions.

She answered the question by placing a kiss on the nape of my neck.

That was all the assurance I needed.

* * *

My phone rang waking me out of the best sleep I have had in months. Who knew that the rest of the night could be salvaged?

I reached blindly for the insistently ringing phone on the nightstand. I glanced over at Casey who was still curled up against me and answered the call, "Benson," my voice cracked.

"...Liv. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," said the familiar voice on the other end of the phone.

Alex...

I closed my eyes for a moment and opened them again to make sure I wasn't dreaming, "So am I."

Silence.

"This isn't the way I wanted you to find out."

" You couldn't even face me." I said expressionlessly. "You're a coward, Alex."

"...Please, just let me explain."

I glanced over at the digital clock; the numbers read just after 2 a.m. " It's really late Alex, I have to go."

" Liv, wait just let me explain."

"No need. You've explained everything without having to say a thing."

"...You don't understand-."

"Do me a favor Alex...this is the last thing I will ever ask from you."

"What Liv?"

"Remember this," I told her, " Four years from now remember it was you who made this decision...it was you who wasted this time."

"Then what?" she asked sadly.

"You live with it," I whispered.

"Olivia please-"

I felt Casey reach out and take the phone, "Good night, Alex." She closed the phone and tossed it back on the nightstand.

Alex didn't call back.


	4. Three Years Left

A Deal to Die For

Chapter 4: Three Years Left...

I could barely hold myself up let alone find the spare key to Casey's apartment. I fumbled with my keys for ten minutes before giving up and banging loudly on the door.

I snickered as the neighbors complained and told me to shut up with not so many nice words. Finally, the door opened and an angry looking blonde confronted me.

"It's one o'clock in the morning, why didn't you just use your key?" she asked stepping aside to let me through.

I stumbled after her into the darkened apartment and nearly fell as I tripped over the coffee table.

"Liv, you were supposed to come here right after work," the blonde sighed shaking her head. "You're four hours late and stone drunk."

I shrugged, "Me and the guys had a few drinks."

"I'm going back to bed."

I followed her to the bedroom removing my clothing as I went. Casey snatched the covers back and climbed inside pulling them hastily over her head. I jumped in after her laughing and ripping the covers away.

" Liv go to sleep!" she said rolling over to glare at me.

"Come on baby..." I whined my hand reaching under the covers to rub up her thigh. She disappointed me by flinging my hand away.

"You have got to be kidding?" she snapped, " First you come home drunk and now you want to have sex?"

I grinned and wagged my eyebrows suggestively, "That's the idea."

"Go to hell," said the blonde angrily facing away from me again.

I sighed dramatically," Fine, I guess I'll just go home."

I motioned to leave the bed knowing that Casey would stop me. She always did.

"You can stay here, just don't touch me," she mumbled.

I plopped back down and pulled the woman into my arms. She stiffened but didn't pull away from my embrace. I buried my face into her hair and inhaled; she always used a strawberries and cream shampoo she knew I loved.

"I waited for you tonight." Casey replied with a hint of sorrow in her voice

"I'm sorry, I should have called." I immediately felt guilty for standing her up ,"I'll make it up to you baby, promise."

"Liv, why do you drink so much? Is it me?"

" No Casey it's not you. I was an alcoholic before we got together remember?" I smiled.

"I'm not joking!" she hissed spinning around to look at me " You drink almost every night. Something must be wrong. If not me then what?"

I clenched my jaw, "You wouldn't believe me even if I told you," I mumbled.

Her emerald eyes narrowed, "Try me."

Here goes nothing, " I sold my soul to a demon and only have three years left to live," I whispered.

Casey growled and pushed me away. She grabbed a pillow and blanket and stormed out of the room.

"Grow the fuck up!" she screamed.

Women...

I told her that she wouldn't believe me. Hell, I almost didn't believe myself saying it out loud.

Three years left...

Time is moving by so fast. I can't believe how fast my soul is slipping through my fingers and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Why didn't I just go home tonight?

Casey shouldn't have to deal with my drinking on a regular basis. She has enough to worry about being on indefinite suspension but I know I can't stop. To be honest it's the only thing that has been keeping me going. Between work and having sold my soul I'm one foot into the psych ward at Bellevue.

I heard crying coming from the living room. Disgusted with myself even more I climbed out of bed to go after her.

"Leave me alone." she sniffled as I approached.

"Come back to bed Case, I'm sorry."

"Sorry! Sorry! You're always fucking sorry!" the woman cried " I'm so sick of apologies I just want you to tell me the truth!"

I stood silently not knowing what else to say.

"Just say it. I know the real reason and so do you. Hell, everyone does!" she sniffled "... I just feel so stupid."

I immediately tensed up and stood to my full height. Don't say it Casey. Don't you fucking say her name.

"...Alex. You still love her and it's ripping you apart that you can't be with her."

"This isn't about her," I protested finding my voice again.

I forced myself to believe that was the truth. This wasn't about Alex.

It just wasn't.

"Do you love me, Olivia?" she asked.

I sat down and stared her straight in the eyes without flinching. "Yes, I do," I said firmly. "Trust me alright?"

I truly do love her. If the circumstances were different, Casey and I could have had the potential to be great.

But I could never give myself completely away like I had with Alex.

You just can't give away what you don't have.

Maybe I should just walk away right now to give her a chance at a normal life.

She kissed me.

" I love you too."

I returned the kiss and let my hands roam over her body. It didn't take much convincing to get her to come back into the bedroom.

We made love after all.

Maybe just a little longer for us.

* * *

Elliot and I finally have a warrant to arrest a perv who had been raping his own daughter for years. She even gave birth to three of his children/grandchildren.

The sick son of a bitch. Of all the willing women out there in the world why would you have sex with your own daughter? Your own flesh and blood?

What the hell are you doing Benson? You have less than three years left and this is how you choose to spend it? You should be on a fucking beach somewhere with Casey sipping exotic drinks with little umbrellas inside. Instead, you're busting a perv who is raping two generations of his own daughters.

God..

Elliot kicked down the door and I rushed inside first with my gun drawn, "Police! Get on the ground now!"

The perv tried to make a run for it but Elliot tackled him accidentally slamming his face into the floor. I point my Glock at his greasy double chinned mug. I planted a boot on the side of his face to keep him steady.

Go ahead freak struggle... give me a reason to put a bullet through your head.

As Elliot cuffed the bastard and read him his rights I put away my gun away to comfort the oldest daughter/sister/ mother of the three children.

I feel nauseous just thinking about it.

I'm soon going to hell and an asshole like this gets to live.

Yeah, that's fair.

"It's alright. I'm not going to hurt you," I assured her.

She shielded her children from me. I wonder what will happen to them now? DCF may take them away until they decide if the mother is mentally stable enough. I felt truly sorry for her. I can never forget that my own father was a rapist bastard as well.

"Liv he's clean let's take him in."

I turned around to see my partner hauling the perv roughly to his feet. There was a satisfying dark bruise on the side of his face.

"Elliot I-" I gasped as I felt a white hot pain explode through my body. I couldn't help but shriek out in pure agony.

I twisted around and saw a knife embedded deep into my side. I heard Elliot scream my name as the women pulled the knife from me. I growled and backhanded her sending her crashing unconscious against the wall. I could no longer hold up my own weight against the pain and my legs gave in.

"Move and I'll blow your fucking brains out!" I heard my partner yell. He called for a paramedic through his radio.

Why does his voice sound so far away?

At least the pain is gone but now I'm so tired.

"Liv you have to stay awake."

I see his blue eyes filled with tears swimming over me.

…. _Blue_.

….. _Alex._..

I'm so tired that I'll just close my eyes for a few seconds.

If only Elliot would stop yelling at me...

That's better, I can't hear him now.

Now, if he would just stop shaking me.

Better...can't...feel...

* * *

Where am I?

I can't breathe. Sulfur fills my nostrils and burns my throat and lungs.

Where am I?

I am so thirsty.

Water...I just need water.

The metallic taste of blood coats my mouth and throat.

Everything is so bright, it hurts to keep my eyes open.

Everything hurts...

"Elliot!" I tried to scream and barely made a sound " Elliot, help me!"

Only the distant sound of thunder rumbled in response. God, where am I?

Oh, no.

Suddenly, I can remember everything. The deal I made for Alex's life and the stabbing.

Oh no

The demon promised me eight years until my contract was due, but I never considered the fact that I could be killed in the line of duty.

Damn it, I knew I should have taken a vacation.

I tried to sit up and take in my surroundings but I couldn't move any part of my body. I realized with dread that I was strapped down.

No...

I closed my eyes and try to wake up from this nightmare. When I open them again someone...or something is standing over me.

"Welcome to hell. My name is Alistair and I'll be taking care of you."

God his face was hideous. One of the worst things I have ever seen; made of only skull and rotted flesh. Insects and snakes slithered through the rancid pieces of meat and exposed bone. His eyes were pure white and worse he wore an eerie smile on his horrible features.

He held a silver knife in his hand not much longer than a scalpel and moved it towards me "Now, tell me if this hurts."

Somehow, I knew he wouldn't take it easy on me no matter how hard I begged and pleaded.

I told him to go fuck himself.

"No need to be rude."

He sunk the blade agonizingly slow into my wounded side twisting it deeper into my flesh. I screamed grinding my teeth against the pain. It must have been an eternity before he pulled the knife away and I found that the pain was just as bad on the way out.

"How was that?" he asked thoughtfully.

I turned my head as best as I could. I couldn't stand to look into those eyes and see that damned smile.

"Just stop dicking around and torture me already. I haven't got all day."

He leaned over and whispered. "I'm _trying._ That's why I need you to tell me when it hurts."

His tattered lips brushed against my ear. My fleshed burned as if it were splashed with acid. I gasped as I felt the side of my face sizzling.

He stuck the knife in faster this time and deeper, "Now tell me where..."

I held out as long as I could against the white-hot torment. Eventually I gritted out, "It hurts right now you sick son of a bitch!"

He snatched the knife out and examined it. It was coated with my blood. "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?"

I told him where else he could stick his knife.

"Tsk...Tsk most people treat me with more respect."

I laughed out loud tears coming from my eyes, "You call this hell?"

"What you're not having fun?"

"I've seen pervs on earth with more imagination than you!" I spat. "Give me the knife, I'll do it better myself!"

I know I probably shouldn't be provoking him but I needed to hold on to my anger.

It is the only thing holding back the crushing fear.

"That's too bad. Fortunately, we have a very long time to change your mind."

He raised the knife again and I drowned in a sea of red.

* * *

_Open your eyes it's okay. Liv, I'm right here with you..._

I manage to pry my eyes open even though they are so heavy. I can breathe again and the pain is gone. My vision is fuzzy but I can see a beautiful woman standing over me. Golden hair crowns her head like a halo. I think I know her...

I reached out to touch her hoping that this wasn't a dream. My fingertips trembled and touched her cheek. I felt tears coming to my eyes because I knew she was real.

"Alex, don't leave me. Please, don't leave me."

I tried to reach for her again but my strength wavered. My eyes were just too heavy and they closed against my will...

Serena Southerlyn invited me to her place for drinks. We were old law school friends even though she had graduated a couple of years ahead of me. We haven't seen very much of each other in the last few years but I'm glad it hasn't caused a damper in our friendship.

I went straight to my apartment after work and changed into more comfortable clothes before I headed out to Serena's.

Unfortunately, when I arrived another person that Serena failed to mention she invited was there as well. She was the bane of my very existence, Abbie Carmichael.

I meant Abbie in law school too. We weren't as sisterly close as Serena and I, but at least social and civil towards one another. Although it was unintentional, Olivia was the one to eventually drive a wedge between us.

Apparently, the two had a serious relationship before I met Liv but I honestly didn't know. Abbie was a very private person. I hadn't known she was seeing anyone; let alone another woman. By the time Liv even mentioned that she dated Abbie I had already fallen for the detective. I thought that since they had broken up so long-ago Abbie wouldn't mind.

Was I ever wrong. The woman has held nothing but the utmost contempt for me since the day she found out.

Then there was the unforgivable stunt she pulled at Arthur Branch's retirement party. I found Robert just in time to see him standing next to Abbie with an almost guilty expression on her face and Casey Novak's face as red as her hair used to be.

Novak and Abbie immediately sized me up on my approach and I raised my eyebrow at the immaturity of both women. Before I knew it Casey had picked up what was left of her drink and splashed it into Abbie's chest. She sized me up once again and stormed away.

"Bitch!" Abbie gasped uselessly wiping her ruined dress.

"What happened?" I asked completely ignoring Carmichael.

My not so soon to be husband just shrugged, he hadn't a clue of what had transpired.

Giving up on her dress Abbie sneered towards me "I finally found the time to introduce Robert here to Olivia but she just couldn't stay very long."

Somehow, I managed to keep my features blank, but I couldn't stop my heart from skipping a beat. Abbie wanted me to make a scene and even though I wanted to rip her throat out; I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

I offered her a cold smile instead and nothing more. I took Robert by the arm and led him away.

That night after having sex with Robert for an entire twenty minutes, I finally let tears fall from my eyes for Liv.

I mourned for her and what I had given up.

Waiting until I heard Robert's deep breathing I bit my lip and finally reached for the phone. I dialed her number and waited until she picked up. I can still remember the conversation as though it were yesterday.

Her voice laced with fatigue answered the way she always did, last name only. Work orientated as usual. The conversation went downhill from there and ended with another woman who I suspected to be Novak tell me good night and hang up.

Abbie and I instantly circled each other like vultures, "What is _she_ doing here _?_ I asked coldly.

"I could ask the same thing. 'Rena, you didn't mention that this bitch would be coming," Abbie replied

Serena glanced nervously between the two of us, "Come on ladies, can't you bury the hatchet?"

"No!" we snapped in unison.

I took a step toward the brunette only to be blocked by Southerlyn. The other blonde chuckled nervously, "You guys used to be friends, right?"

"Hardly." I snorted.

"The feeling is mutual Blondie. You're just a backstabbing bitch Cabot, face it."

"For the last time Alex didn't know that you dated Olivia," Serena sighed.

"So now you're on her side?" Abbie protested.

"I'm not on anyone's side. I'm just tired of trying to split my time between two of my closest friends that hate each other! Can you two just forgive one another and move on with your lives?"

"I haven't done anything wrong!" I snapped, "She's the one who pulled that little stunt with Robert and Olivia."

"Oh, don't act so righteous, you're pissed because I exposed your dirty little secret. We're you ever going to tell Benson that you moved on? Or just keep stringing her along like a drunken puppet?"

"None of your fucking business." I roared. "You're bitter Carmichael, you can't stand the thought of losing can you?"

"I'm bitter? Your whole life has been replaced! Who had your old job? Casey Novak. Who is Benson with now? Casey fucking Novak. Seems to me like you have more to be bitter about then I ever will!"

I kept my cool as always. I'm not going to let her get to me; even if she may be right. " I'll make the decision easy for you Serena, lose my number." I said frostily leaving the same way I came in.

I ignored Serena's protests and stormed towards the exit. Letting my anger get the best of me for an instant I turned around and addressed Abbie " Maybe if you would open your eyes and close your big mouth for once, you would know that Serena has been in love with you for years."

I slammed the door shut behind me.

I pounded the elevator button to take me downstairs. I was almost out of the apartment building when my cell phone rang.

"Cabot," I answered with more force than I intended to

Silence...

I looked at the caller ID and didn't recognize the number, "Who is this?" I demanded.

Before I could hang up Elliot's voice finally spoke, "Liv was stabbed."

No...

"They revived her in the ambulance." His voice was so void of an emotion I almost wondered if he was playing a cruel joke.

But I knew Elliot would never joke about his partner's life.

"I thought you should know."

Click.

After the initial shock was over I quickly hit the redial button. I choked back a sob as I waited for the detective to answer.

"Hello?" the same robotic voice answered.

"Where is she? What hospital?"

I heard a long and tired sigh, "Alex, you probably shouldn't come."

"What? Why not?"

"...Novak is here with her."

" I don't care! Elliot, I have to see her!" Abbie's earlier biting comments swirled through my mind only increasing my rage. Who does this woman think she is? If she tries to get in my way she will **regret** it.

"No, you can't. Liv would be pissed that I called you."

"I swear to you, I will make your life a living hell if you don't tell me where she is now." My voice dripped with icy intent. I was already contemplating ways that I could have him ruined.

He seemed unfazed." I gotta go Alex."

Click.

I thought about calling the man back, but I knew my efforts would be futile. I tried to remain calm even as tears flushed down my face completely clouding my vision.

I pulled myself together and made another call, "Captain Cragen..."

* * *

I finally opened my eyes and I could breathe again. No sulfur poisoning and burning my lungs, just clean fresh air.

Best of all no pain.

Well, technically I am hell of sore but nothing in comparison to the torture I experienced for months with Alistair.

Months...

Had I really been gone for that long?

"Elliot?" I called trying to sit up. I nearly doubled over in pain.

A hand gently pushed me back down, "Don't try to get up."

I remembered a woman with long blonde hair standing over me. I thought it had been Alex and I even called out for her.

But it wasn't Alex.

Oh, shit. It was Casey.

"How do you feel?" the blonde asked. I could hear the unhappiness within her voice. I wondered how long she had stood vigil over me only to be called another woman's name.

Nice, Benson.

"Like I've been in hell for a few months," was my honest response.

"That good huh?"

I nodded, "How long have been out?"

"In and out for a few days." She looked slightly uneasy as if she wanted to tell me something.

"What is it?"

"...Cabot is here."

I knew it had been Alex I saw, but why would she come after all this time?

Guilt.

"Do you want to see her?" Casey asked suddenly interested in the spotless white floor.

The familiar bitterness crept up inside my chest. I didn't need her then and I sure as hell don't now. I motioned for Casey to come forward and embraced her.

"No baby, send her away."

"Liv, you don't have to do this for me."

I mentally shook my head. Women were so obvious sometimes. I knew she didn't want me to see Alex but why wouldn't she just say so?

"I'm doing it for me Case," I replied. " She just can't pop back in my life whenever she wants. I'm just not interested."

Casey smiled, "I'll tell her." She kissed me on the cheek before leaving.

It felt like I had been in hell for _months_ but I've only been in the hospital for a few of _days._

My heart couldn't have stopped for more than a few seconds before they revived me.

Shit.

Time in hell must be faster than normal.

God...

I can't get those images out of my head. That demon Alistair tortured me for months on end taking me to the brink and dragging me back.

That was what I had to look forward to for an eternity.

Less than three years left and I would be back at the mercy of that demon.

Only this time nothing could save me...


	5. Two Years Left

A Deal to Die For

Chapter 5: Two Years Left

As if going to hell and having vivid nightmares most nights since wasn't bad enough; Now I'm stuck on desk duty until further notice. I was released from the hospital after about a week and I was forced to stay home for another three.

I'm tired of watching Elliot and the guys go out while I'm stuck at my desk pushing paper work. I'm not so fragile as they may think. I have seen more horrors than any of them could possibly imagine and I'll see more when it's all over.

Between hell and my new job as desk jockey, I am depressed as hell. I don't think people really understand the concept of hell. Until I experienced it, I don't even think I knew. Words can't truly do it justice. It's a place full of blood, and pain, and fear and any of the horrible things you could possibly imagine. And I can imagine a whole lot.

Then there was that sadistic demon Alistair. He knew just where to poke and prod me. To make my every thought and every millisecond about pain.

This morning I could barely drag myself out of bed. I don't know how long I can do this; how long I can keep it all together.

In my most desperate of moments is when I think of Alex. I think of calling her or stopping by the office just to see how see is doing. I can't do such a thing like that to Casey, can I?

No, I'm trying to move on with my life. I can't go crawling back to her even if I am desperate. Even if my time is almost up.

I call it quits from work early today. The guys can shove their own paperwork around for all I care.

I take my normal detour to the liquor store and pick up a bottle of scotch. The owner expects it and has the bottle waiting for me.

I feel so pathetic.

I finally made it home to find that I'm not alone. A dark figure was sitting at my dining room table. My gun instantly left its holster. " Who are you?!" I shouted.

"Relax Liv, it's just me."

I quickly switched on the light and let out a breath of relief. I finally lowered my weapon, "Alex, what the hell are you doing? I could have shot you! How did you even get in my apartment?"

The blonde grinned sheepishly and held up a silver key on a long string. I remembered giving it to her all those years ago.

I laid eyes on her for what felt like the first time in years. She was still so beautiful. I doubt that would ever change.

Alex suddenly blushed and looked away, "I had forgotten what that feels like."

I tilted my head quizzically, "To scare the shit out of someone?"

"To have you look at me as though I'm the most beautiful person in the world."

I cursed inwardly. The damn eyes always give me away. I quickly shut down my emotions as I felt them swell inside my chest. I shrugged off my coat and tossed it over the couch.

"What do you want Alex?" I asked getting straight to the point.

The blonde folded her hands on the table "You're avoiding me. You wouldn't see me at the hospital...you won't take my calls..."

" I guess you know how it feels now don't you?"

" Liv..." she sighed.

" Lex..." I mocked her.

I shook my head and grabbed two glasses from the kitchen cabinet. I took as much time as I could leaning against the counter with my face inside my hands.

"You might as well come out." Alex called.

I rolled my eyes and sat one of the glasses in front of her. I slapped my palm on the table and whispered close to her ear, "If Casey caught you in here, she would mop the floor with you...and I just might let her."

I poured our glasses half full of the brown liquor and sat across from her.

"She would try detective." was her icy response.

Perhaps, if I were a lesser woman, the chill of her blue eyes would have sent a shiver down my spine. But I was fresh from a living hell and as unflinching as steel.

"So, what can I do for you Alex?"

"I just wanted to talk to you, to see how you are."

"I'm fine, the Captain still has me on desk duty though." I said casually waving her concern off.

"When was the last time you slept?"

I see graphic images of myself being tortured on the rack every time I close my eyes, but I'm sleeping like a baby Alex.

"Last night," I lied with a straight face.

I knew that she didn't believe me but I couldn't care less. I downed my drink and itched for another. I'll wait until she leaves so I can gave another.

"Do you want something to eat?" I asked breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"What do you have?" she asked skeptically.

I almost smiled. I guess I can't blame her, I wasn't the _best_ cook.

I went back to the kitchen and opened the fridge. "Let's see I have beer...old Chinese takeout...some spoiled milk...and a loaf of moldy bread. Don't worry I've made more from a lot less."

I heard Alex laugh and I eventually joined in. It was almost like old times again.

Times before the shooting.

I always wondered where we would be if it hadn't happened.

Married and happy. No deals, no Wit Sec; just the two of us together. Forever.

Very naive of you, Benson

If I know one thing is that life will screw me over at every turn. I think I have finally accepted that there will be no happy ending for me, no matter what I do.

I'm destined to go out with a bang.

I returned to Alex.

While she talked about work, I spotted something hidden underneath her blouse. Without thinking I reached out and gently untucked the silver necklace. On the end was diamond ring: the one I proposed with. I don't know if should be touched that she kept the ring after all these years or outraged.

The latter eventually won out.

My eyes narrowed and I held out my palm, "I guess you won't be needing that anymore. Let me take it off your hands."

She clutched the ring protectively, "No, you just want it back out of spite."

"Damned right I do. Now give it to me, Alex."

"Sure, you can pry it from my cold dead hands," said the blonde coldly.

My jaw clenched, "Fine keep it. It's not like it has sentimental value anymore."

"It does for me," she replied softly.

"Sure," I gritted out.

To hell with it. I poured myself another drink.

"Liv, I know you think that I don't love you but-"

"But you do?" I asked with feigned astonishment, "You sure do have an interesting way of showing it."

The blonde's eyes narrowed, "You don't have to be such an asshole."

I mean really what does she expect? Civility? Maybe I should just forget that the woman I loved, the woman I sold my soul for, ran off with another man.

That's no big deal, right? Right?

"What do you want from me Alex? I'm just doing what you wanted. I gave you space and I let you be free. What more could you possibly want?"

"If you would just let me explain..."

My fist came down on the table rattling the glasses. " Enough!" I yelled. I saw her jump but I didn't care. My vision was starting to become red. The more she tried to explain the angrier I became, "Cut the shit, Alex! You sit here and insult my intelligence by thinking that I need an explanation? Do you think I can't figure it out for myself?!"

"Liv, I didn't say that-" her calm voice was really pissing me the fuck off.

"I can take a hint Alex. You wanted someone to share the limelight with. A successful man not some washed up sex crimes cop!"

"It's not as harsh as you put it."

"Alex, just stop talking." My hand was already clenched in a white knuckled grip.

"Or what? You'll hurt me?"

Would I? Had a few months in hell transformed me into a monster?

Into my father?

Never.

I took a deep breath and some of the anger cooled. My fist unclenched and the blood rushed back into my fingers. I held her gaze, "You didn't commit any crimes...but you hurt me Alex. I trusted you and you betrayed me. How could you do that to me? Honestly, I don't know how you rationalize what you did, but the only thing I can do now is pull the knife from my back and move on. How can I do that if you keep showing up?"

"Baby, I know...I made a big mistake."

I turned away; it was easier to shut the pain in her eyes out then to face it.

Besides, it's too late now anyways, right? The two-year mark is coming around faster than I could imagine.

What is two years against an eternity in hell?

Nothing.

What about Casey?

Too many questions that I don't have the answers to.

I need fresh air.

I grab my coat from the couch and bolt for the door. I heard Alex calling my name but I ignored her and kept going. I race down the street and into the cold night.

I can't do this right now.

Not now.

I flipped open my phone and called Casey to ask her if I could stay the night. She said to come over soon because she needed to talk to me...

Something was off about her voice, but she refused to tell me over the phone.

I caught a cab over to her place and let myself in with the spare key. I froze once I got inside; stacks of boxes were packed inside the living room.

Okay, something was definitely wrong.

Was she being evicted? She hadn't mentioned anything to me about financial problems but then again, I haven't been to her place very often since the stabbing.

"Casey?" I called walking towards the bedroom.

I saw the red head walking back and forth to her closet removing clothing and placing them inside suitcases. She wiped her eyes on the back of her sleeve as I approached.

"Casey, what's going on?" I asked.

She was in my arms in a matter of seconds, "Donnelly called me today."

Oh shit.

"I'm being censored for three years, my licensed is suspended until then."

Oh shit.

"Don't worry about it Case," I said wiping her eyes affectionately with my thumbs "You know I will take care of you. You can move in with me until you get back on your feet."

She shook her head, "No."

"Then what?"

"My father owns a firm in D.C," she replied sniffing, "I've already called him and he'll give me a job consulting until I can come back."

"You're leaving?" I said stiffly.

She nodded and I frowned. This was just like Abbie Carmichael all over again. Why do I keep losing my girlfriends to D.C?

"Liv, will you come with me?" she asked almost hopefully

Okay, maybe this wasn't like Abbie.

I grew speechless as I tried to process the information. Casey was asking me to leave New York with her and start a new life in D.C. This really was sudden but I knew I could get the Captain to put in a good word for me at another department.

Besides, tonight proved that this city wasn't big enough for me and Alex.

I almost considered going...

Until, I remembered the deal.

I couldn't drag Casey into this mess. Especially since I knew very little of what horrible thing would happen at the end of my eight years.

"Casey, you know I can't."

How much worse can this night get?

"Liv, if you're worried about money, we'll have a place to stay as soon as we get there. You will have a job in no time."

In this economy? Yeah right.

" I can't just leave my job so suddenly. What about Elliot, and Al..." I closed my stupid mouth before her name could leave it, but the damage was already done.

"It's okay Liv...I understand."

"You go...I'll be here when you get back," I lied for obvious reasons.

" No, you won't." she whispered.

I shoved my fists inside my pocket. I futilely try to keep the tears at bay, " If you need me for anything...any time, you pick up that phone and I'll come running, promise."

She simply nodded and I couldn't tell if she believed me or not.

"Will you spend one last night with me?"

It will probably be the last time you see me again, Casey. Maybe, if I had met you first I wouldn't be in this deadly predicament.

I promise to never forget you.

I love you.

I wish I could tell you all those things, but I can't. If I did, you might decide not to leave, and I might not let you go.

Instead, I make love to you one last time and leave before the sun rises. Before I go I scribble 'I love you' on a piece of paper and leave it on the night stand.

It's been fun Case.

* * *

" Liv are you alright?" Elliot asked for the umpteenth time. Ever since Casey left everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay.

Sure, I'm alright. I've been stabbed, I died and went to hell, my ex keeps popping up unexpectedly, and my girlfriend just left me.

Oh, and I only have two years to live.

Do I sound alright to you, meat head?

Sorry if I've become a little detached but I can't help it. I just can't believe my life is spiraling downhill and how powerless I am to stop it.

And it's all because of this deal.

All because of Alex.

True, she didn't force me to make the deal but what was I supposed to do, let her die? I just wished the last six years could have been easier. Maybe then I wouldn't feel this crushing weight on my shoulders.

"I know something that might cheer you up," said my partner absently.

I looked up from the stack of paperwork to see Elliot leaning back in his chair and smiling. I raised an eyebrow, "You finally found those male enhancement pills that you have been desperately seeking?"

" Ha ha very funny. No, I talked to the Captain today and he says you're ready to get off desk duty."

I could have kissed him.

"What have we got?" I asked eagerly.

He showed me the case file and my spirits instantly fell. A perv doctor was being accused of molesting his patients.

In my line of work, nothing new.

"Let's nail this son of a bitch."

A grim smile formed on his lips, "Welcome back partner."

* * *

Long story short we helped to convict the perv doctor on four counts of sexual abuse. Problem is the bastard is now dead, killed before he could be sentenced to rot at Rikers.

I personally don't care if he lives or dies but there is this small nuisance called the 'law' that says we have to find his killer.

I take one look at the body, his head smashed in with a golf club and don't even flinch. I don't know if it's because of hell or years on the job.

I can't decide which one is worse.

Deadpan, I call for a bus as well as the crime scene unit and the medical examiner. Elliot makes a call to the Captain and I follow him outside.

We're in for a long wait. With the IAB rat squad on our asses we can't touch the scene until Greylek arrives.

Greylek is easy on the eyes but has the emotional depth of a cardboard box. The sooner she arrives, the faster she can leave.

"You sure Greylek isn't on one of her ' I gotta be at the crime scene' crusades?" Munch commented not bothering to hide his annoyance.

I almost smile when I remembered Casey's first day on the job: snooping around at the crime scene. I quickly pushed the thought of Casey down. I can't afford to miss her right now.

"That's not Greylek." said Fin in astonishment.

My eyes followed Fin's. Instead of the ' Crusader' walking towards us it's the ' Ice Princess'

"Alex."

My mouth dropped open. Then, my eyes drink every ounce of her like an animal that finds water after wandering for days inside a vast dry desert. I see Alex bathed in sunlight, beautiful and healthy. Alive.

For an instant, I can't hide my love. It shines brightly on my face, in my eyes, through my body language.

She can see it...

The deal was worth it.

I realize that if by some small miracle I knew the things I know now back then; I would change absolutely nothing. In that moment of desperation, I would have done anything to save her life. Anything.

And I still would...

The taste in my mouth turns bitter. It always does. I'm only human. I looked away to regain my composure and the walls come back up.

I still love you Alex, but I haven't forgiven you.

I don't know if I ever will.

I just don't have the time.

"What have we got?" the attorney replied ever the professional. I can't decide whose eyes are colder hers or Elliot's.

An awkward silence fell over us. We looked like a bunch of teenagers standing around at a boring party with no one knowing quite what to say.

"Am I paying you people to work or socialize?" said the captain rudely but thankfully breaking the silence.

This is gonna be a long day.

* * *

I took my frustrations out at the gym for once instead of on my own body. I hit a punching bag until my arms went numb and then I hit it some more. I just imagined that it was Alistair's face on the bag and that seemed to work well. I did pushups and pullups; more reps than I ever thought I could do. Sweat poured from my brow as I stepped on the treadmill. I ran for a mile feeling my body burn in protest but I kept going until the end.

My stab wound healed weeks ago but I could still feel a dull pain deep down to my very core. My soul was wounded in hell and it still hasn't healed.

It constantly aches...

I don't know what will happen to me at the end of two years but I'm not going without a fight. That red eyed son of a bitch can come but I'll be ready. I'll take her with me if I get the chance.

I took a shower and change into cleans clothes before I leave the gym. I almost flip my phone open to call Casey to see what her plans are for the night until I remember that she's gone. Instead, I call Elliot and tell him to meet me at the usual spot.

I'm already nursing my second drink by the time I figure out that Elliot isn't coming. How fucking rude. He could have at least called to say he couldn't bother to show up.

I'm sitting alone at the table minding my own damn business when suddenly a young woman with lengthy blonde hair climbed in my lap. She was wearing blue low rider jeans, a white Hard Rock t-shirt and a jean jacket.

"Pretend, like you know me," she whispered.

Before I could respond she grabbed me by the collar and pressed her lips to mine. I would have pulled away from the kiss but I saw two men walk by throwing us dirty looks. The woman watched them from the corner of her eye until they disappeared into the crowd of people standing by the bar.

"Who are you?" I asked breathlessly as soon as she broke the kiss.

She flashed me a pearly white smile that exposed cute dimpled cheeks, "Joanna Harvelle but everyone calls me Jo." From the sound of her accent she was not from New York.

"Olivia Benson," I replied, "Who were those guys?"

She shrugged, "Just a couple of men who wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Why did you pick me?"

"Let's see: leather coat, gun underneath, drinking problem...hunter?"

I raised my eyebrow. Hunting in New York? Was she kidding? "I have never hunted anything in my life. I'm a cop," I explained.

"My mistake." she said now looking slightly abashed. I guess most people feel uncomfortable once they find out what I do for a living.

She found something invisible on my shoulder and brushed it off, "So, do you want to get out of here?"

Okay, maybe she wasn't so embarrassed after all. I'm flattered really kid but I don't think you're old enough to go home with me. I might have to arrest myself by the end of the night.

"I'm old enough to be your mother," I said trying to let her down easily.

Jo smiled and ran a hand through my hair, "Do you know a tall woman, pale, with long blonde hair and blue eyes?"

She was describing Alex. I tried to turn around to follow her eyes but she grabbed my jaw between her hands, "Don't look but she's been watching us for a few minutes now. Is she your girlfriend?"

How did she know I was a lesbian?

Who am I kidding? The leather says it all.

"She's my ex," I said my voice sounding bitter.

"Do you still love her?"

I considered her eyes, brown and innocent, but she was definitely capable of hiding something behind them. My jaw set, "Yes."

She nuzzled against my ear, "You misunderstood my intentions. I want to repay you for helping me out with those guys earlier. Do you want to make your girlfriend jealous?"

A lopsided grin spread across my face, "She's not my girlfriend...but yeah."

"Let's go, I'll buy you a drink someplace else."

"Are you old enough to drink?" I inquired.

"I'm twenty-four," she said rolling her eyes.

I wrapped my arms around her waist and stood up setting her feet on the ground. She took my hand and led me out of the bar. I couldn't help myself at the last moment I turned to look at the other blonde in question.

It was indeed Alex.

I wonder what she was doing in place like this. Did she know that I would be here? Did Elliot tell her? He eventually admitted that he was the one who had called Alex when I was in the hospital. I wouldn't put it past him if he told her I was here.

I slowed down and we locked eyes...

She looked sad all alone...

Jo stopped to see what I was looking at and smiled showing her dimples again. She cheerfully waved to Alex and we both laughed on the way out.

I felt both guilty and pleased at the same time.

We went to another bar and she brought me drink as promised. I ordered my favorite while she got a beer. Something told me she wasn't trying to get drunk like I was.

"So what kind of cop are you?"

"I'm a sex crimes detective."

She choked on her drink and quickly apologized, "Man, I thought my job was tough..."

"What is your job?" I asked suspiciously.

"I'm a hunter-er...I mean a private detective."

Hunter. There was that word again. I was beginning to think there was more to this girl than she was letting on.

"What are you doing in New York?"

"I'm working a job in the area."

"Maybe I could help you, I do have a few connections."

"Thanks Olivia, but I usually work alone."

I rolled my eyes, "Somehow I knew you were gonna say that."

I checked the time to see that it was beginning to get late. Although I was curious to know more about this young woman I know I should get home and sleep some of this alcohol off.

"I have to go home, work early in the morning," I explained.

"I could come with you...if you want."

I shook my head, "Call me in about ten years and we can talk."

I'll be long dead by then. Don't even waste your time.

Fire ignited inside her eyes. I probably shouldn't have said anything about her youth. Something told me that maybe the people in her life gave her slack for it, "I'm not just some kid you know! I've seen more things then you could possibly imagine."

Have you been to hell? Has your soul been skinned and hung out to dry? Have you dealt with victims that have had their innocence torn away by some sick perv? Have you seen their bodies raped and murdered? Their souls broken?

My insides felt hollow, "No. You haven't."

Her eyes widened and I wondered could she see the demons cross my face " I… I'm sorry. I didn't mean any offense."

"It's okay, I should get going."

"At least let me walk you outside," she offered

I nodded and shoved my hands inside my pockets leading the way. We walked in silence for about a block or so.

"You should call a cab. It's not safe for a young woman at night."

"You're a woman," Jo pointed out.

" I'm a cop and I have a gun." I said stating the obvious.

"Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself."

I doubted that she could. Most people thought that they could defend themselves until they were really put to the test. Hell, I've even had a few close encounters with perps myself. I knew a short cut and through a dimly lit alley way behind an Italian restaurant. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

Someone was following us.

Apparently, Jo got the same feeling because she quickly spun around before I had the chance. I recognized the two men from the bar. One was dark, short and beefy; the other lanky with light brown hair.

"What do you creeps want?" Jo spat the innocent disguise quickly vanquished. I thought I made it clear that I wasn't interested."

"We want to watch you two girls in action. We'll make it worth your while." the shorter one leered.

I reached for my badge but Jo held out an arm to stop me, "Come on we can take them. What do you say?"

"I don't want any trouble."

"We don't want any trouble either," said the shorter one coming too close for comfort , "We just want to see you go down on this little bitch-"

Jo's fist connected with the man's jaw before he could finish his sick rant. His stocky frame crashed to the asphalt and he lay there reeling from the punch.

"You stupid bitch!" the taller one yelled running towards us.

He swung and missed Jo and she kneed him hard in the gut.

Okay, now I'm curious. Who is this girl?

The shorter one rushed to his feet his little beady eyes irate with rage. He grabbed Jo from behind and slung her down to the pavement. I reached for my gun, hesitated, and speared him around the waist. We rolled for a few seconds and I landed on top. My fist curled and struck him hard across the face until he was out like a baby.

I saw stars as the lanky one struck my jaw hard. That would leave a bruise. When I came back to, Jo was standing over the man clenching her fist. She ran over and helped me to my feet.

"Are you okay?" she asked touching the bruise I felt on my jaw.

I cringed but gave her a weak smile, "I'm too old for this shit."

Things took a turn for the worst. The lanky man staggered to his feet. He turned to face us and a creepy smile was on his face. His eyes were completely black.

"Shit!" Jo cursed.

Terror squeezed my chest. I encountered things with horrible faces and black eyes in hell. Demons.

"Get the hell out of here!" Jo ordered slinging me behind her.

She's telling me to run? She should be the one who is running!

I reached for my gun and the demon laughed. Jo growled at me, "That won't work!"

The black-eyed demon rushed towards us and I saw Jo's hand inch inside her jean jacket. When the creature was inches away she took a plastic bottle, and splashed it with water.

Water? On that thing!

"Holy water you evil son of a bitch!" she screamed.

To my surprise the demon screamed in pure agony and smoked. After Jo emptied the bottle on the damned thing, she grabbed my hand and we hauled ass out of the alley.

"That wouldn't kill it. We have to get someplace safe."

I told her that my place wasn't far but not exactly in walking distance. She spotted a black SUV across the street and slammed her elbow into the window breaking it.

"What are you doing?" I shouted looking around frantically as she hotwired the vehicle.

"I'm stealing this car," she said raising an eyebrow, "You can either get in or stay here and face that demon, decide. Either way I'm leaving."

I cursed and ran over to the passenger's side as the engine roared. She floored the pedal and we sped down the street.

* * *

She made it into my place after all. Luckily, I decided to clean up yesterday after work. We hurried inside and quickly locked the doors.

"Salt. Do you have any salt?" Jo asked frantically.

I frowned, "In the pantry, why?"

She disappeared into the kitchen without answering and hurried back with a box of salt. She poured a line in front of the door and disappeared into my bedroom and bathroom. She sat the empty box on the table and sighed leaving me stunned.

"Why in the hell did you do that?" I demanded.

"I laid a line of salt into all the entrances of the apartment. Salt is pure. That means nothing evil can cross over it."

"Who are you?"

Her eyes narrowed, "I already told you. I'm Jo."

"You know what the hell I mean, " I growled.

She hesitated, " …. I'm a hunter."

"What in God's name is a hunter? First you kick those guy's asses in the alleyway. Then you steal a car like it was a fucking breeze. You better start talking before I arrest you."

"On what charges...officer?" she challenged me.

" I'll think of something now talk!"

She sighed, "Fine, I'll tell you everything."

Monsters were real. I already knew that but it was strange hearing it from another person. There were people called hunters who 'hunted' and destroyed these monsters.

Fuck...

"That thing in the alley was a demon." It was possessing that poor bastard but he was probably awake for the whole thing."

"You poured water on something like that?"

"Not just water, holy water. Demons can't stand the stuff. Rock salt and other things work as well. It can't kill them but it will buy you some time to get away."

"How do you kill one?" I asked ideas suddenly pouring through my head. Maybe if I could kill that red eyed demon my deal will forfeit.

She shook her head "The best thing we can do is an exorcism and that only sends them back to hell, it won't kill them."

My hopes crashed to the ground. I was going to hell and nothing on earth could save me. Jo must have noticed the defeated look on my face, "What is it?" she asked.

"Nothing-"

She put a hand on my shoulder, "Come on, you can tell me. I might even be able to help you."

I told her about the demon on the subway and the deal I made for Alex's life. Her facial expression changed instantly from concern into anger " You idiot! Do you know what you've done?"

"Yes."

"I don't think you do! When your deal has come due that demon is going to send hell hounds to collect your debt. They're gonna rip you into shreds and send your soul straight to hell!"

I didn't know about the hell hounds. I guess that's just another thing to be terrified about. I still wouldn't change anything.

I decided not to tell her about my time in hell. She seemed angry enough with me as it was.

"How much time do you have left?"

"Two years," I whispered bowing my head.

"Damn it. This won't be easy." Jo sighed, "To be honest with you...I'm kind of new at this hunting thing."

Great. A fucking rookie.

She looked at me indignantly, "But I'm the best chance you have got lady. Do you want my help or not?"

I nodded sheepishly, "Yeah. I do."

She smiled, "That deal you made. Was it for that woman we saw in the bar?"

"Yes."

"She's very pretty. Can I ask why you broke up?"

Come to think of it we never officially broke up. I just took it as such when Alex decided that she wasn't coming back to me after witness protection.

"She broke my heart."

"I won't lie to you Olivia. You don't have much of a chance. If you love her maybe you should be with her in your last years."

Don't think I haven't thought about it, kid. Not a day has gone by that I don' consider it. To be honest the only thing standing in between Alex and I was my pride.

She hurt me and I wanted her to feel the same pain I did.

"I'll keep that in mind."

I told Jo to take the spare bedroom and crashed inside my own. Exhausted I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

* * *

Early the next morning I heard shouting coming from my living room. I yawned and stretched making my way to see what all the fuss was about.

Jo was on the phone pacing and arguing into the phone, "Mom! I can't go I'm working a job in New York."

I couldn't hear the voice on the other end but I deduced two things. One: it was Jo's mother. Two: She was pissed off.

"I'm old enough to go out on my own if I want," she argued. "I'm working my own job now."

She listened to the women on the other end and her face turned grave, "Sam and Dean?"

Whoever this Sam and Dean were her whole demeanor just changed because of them. To my horror and dread she finally sighed, "Okay, okay I'll come."

She hung up and gave me a mournful glance, "I'm sorry Olivia I have to go. A big job just came up in Missouri and my mom needs my help."

No. No. No. You can't go! Not when I finally have someone who could possibly help me. Life cannot be this fucking unfair.

"I thought you were going to help me?"

" I **am** going to help you," Jo assured me," This job is only going to take a few days at the most and then I'll come back."

" Really?" I asked.

She nodded "I have some more good news too. Those two guys Sam and Dean are two of the best hunters I know. We're going after a special gun called the Colt it can kill anything. Even a demon. If this mission goes well I'll bring the gun back and help you kill the demon."

"What kind of job is it?"

"My mom wouldn't say much over the phone. The only thing I know about is the Colt."

I would just have to go on a little faith here. There was nothing else I could really do.

"Okay, hurry back," I sighed.

She smiled fleetingly and broke the salt line leaving my apartment. Despite her assurance of the contrary, I had a strange feeling that I would never see her again.

After Jo left, I showered and dressed for work. The bruise on my jaw was now a dark purple and my knuckles were busted and swollen. Elliot gave me the third degree as soon as he saw my face. I lied and told him I got the bruise from sparring at the gym.

I was distracted most of the day by the things that Jo told me. Monsters are real. Not just demons either; ghosts, ghouls and other evil incarnates. It was all so hard to take in, our jobs were difficult enough as it was. I made a mental note to pick up a few boxes of salt after work.

I decided to run a background check on Jo. I typed her name in the databases and narrowed the search down drastically by her age and physical features. Name: Harvelle, Joanna Beth DOB: 04-7-1985. Birthplace: Duluth, Minnesota. Father: William Anthony Harvelle(deceased) and Ellen Harvelle (current location unknown)..

She was arrested twice for trespassing but the owners dropped the charges. On file, she seemed like a normal girl but in person was a different story. She spoke of others like her, hunters. People trained just like me who fought evil. She told me that every hunter was different but most had something in common; the reason they started hunting. A loved one had been killed by something evil.

I wondered what her story was and how she came into the life. The database said that her father was deceased maybe it had something to do with him. I closed her file and tried to focus on the rest of my own work. I poured myself a cup of fresh coffee and started reading over the new cases.

Hell hounds...

They were vicious demonic dogs that I encountered in hell. After the day's torture was done, Alistair would allow the dogs to feed on the scraps of my flesh and bone. It was one of the most agonizing and horrifying experiences of hell, being eaten alive.

"Detective?"

I must have zoned out again because I didn't notice that I now had company in the form of a tall blonde. I usually could hear her heels clicking from a mile away and get the hell out of dodge before we had to interact.

"Are you with us today?" I shook my head pushing the thought of hell back as far in my mind as I could.

"I am now. What can I do for you, counselor?"

"Will you come to my office tomorrow at eleven? We need to go over the testimony for the Rivera case."

"I'll send Elliot by, he was there too. He knows everything that I do."

"I didn't ask for Elliot. I asked for you," she said icily.

"Be careful what you ask for." I sneered going back to my paperwork.

"Detective...can I speak to you in private for a moment?"

I opened my mouth to protest but she was already walking away. I sighed and followed her into the empty interrogation room. I leaned against the wobbly table while I waited for her to speak. After a moment of silence, I began to grow impatient " What Alex?"

"We can't continue to work around one another, can we?"

I frowned, "What are you talking about?"

"You barely co-operate with me on cases. Whenever I come to the precinct you always find an excuse to leave your desk, and when the guys invite me out for drinks you refuse to come."

I raised an eyebrow, "Your point being..."

"I think that you are being very unprofessional. Our personal lives should have nothing to do with work."

I might as well not argue. Everything she just said was completely true. "You're absolutely right Alex."

"I am? I mean yes, I am. So, what do you propose that we do?"

I guess she expected more of a fight from me. I guess she was wrong. Gone were the days of our famous heated arguments. I think that fire in me was extinguished a long time ago.

"I have an idea Alex. You wait here and I'll go give Captain Cragen my resignation."

"You can't be serious? You would give up your retirement and pension just like that?"

Where I'm going I won't need a pension

Alex hugged her arms to her chest "Liv, do you hate me that much? To give up a job that you love?"

I chuckled, "Hate you? After all this time is that what you think?"

"What am I supposed to think then?"

"You were the one, Alex. I wanted to get married, have kids and spend the rest of my life with you. I thought I had finally found my soul mate. Imagine how I feel to find out that I was wrong."

I couldn't stand to look at her anymore. I turned to look out of the halfway mirror; as usual I couldn't see anything but my own dark reflection. " So sorry if I'm being 'unprofessional' but I'm not going to pretend like everything is okay. Now...if you will excuse me I have a resignation to turn in."

I felt a hand on my shoulder " You weren't wrong Liv...I am your soul mate but how can we move forward if you can't forgive me?" I laughed not because it was funny but because I knew she was right.

I want to forgive you baby. God, I do but this deal is hanging over my head. With only two years left what kind of life could I give you? It would be all over before it even had a chance to begin. Jo was my only chance, if she couldn't help me then I was doomed for all of eternity.

"Liv...can I tell you something? Something I have never told Robert or anyone else for that matter?" Alex asked quietly.

"What?"

"I remember being shot and you trying to keep me alive. I died on that table at the hospital. I knew my time was up and I accepted it..."

My heart started pounding as she continued. Did she know about the demon and the bargain? Was she disgusted that I had made such a sacrifice.

She can't know.

"The next thing I know I was waking up in the hospital with Hammond standing over me. I don't remember much about being dead but I know that you were only reason I came back. I can't explain it but I know you're the reason..."

I almost sighed with relief. Alex had good intuition but she didn't know what I'd done. If I have my way she would never know the truth.

"Alex, please just let me go."

"Look me in the eyes and say that," the attorney dared me.

Okay, Alex you asked for this. I just have to keep reassuring myself that I am making the right decision.

A few years ago, I would have taken you back without hesitation; even after the claims adjuster incident. But that was before hell.

Before Robert.

I turned to face her. I found her gaze and held it not once looking away. I wanted there to be no mistake, no uncertainty. In her eyes, I saw remorse and fear, but most of all I saw love.

Dammit, why do you have to make this so difficult?

Without thinking I reached out and caressed her cheek. She immediately responded to my touch closing her eyes and placing her hand on top of mine.

"I love you." she breathed.

An eternal struggle raged within me; a battle of heart versus mind.

My mind thought it would be best to keep pushing her away. If Jo ever came back we would try to hunt down the red eyed demon and kill it. She told me that the chances of succeeding were slim meaning that I would probably end of getting myself killed. I didn't want Alex anywhere near the final showdown if that happened. If she died again the whole deal would be in vain.

My heart was selfish and wanted Alex back. I wanted to make love to her, to hold her at night, to wake up in her arms, to forgive her and start over.

It didn't want to die alone.

"Alex, you have to let me go," I finally made up my mind.

She recoiled from me as if my touch burned her. " Is this a game to you Olivia?" she hissed.

"No," I replied coolly. The nerve of her to think I was playing mind games. Not everyone is a manipulative bitch.

"Is it because of Casey Novak?"

I shook my head almost sadly, "Casey is gone."

"Someone...younger then?"

Realization dawned on me as to what she was referring to. I had forgotten that she was in the bar that night I met Jo.

"Don't do this to yourself Alex."

"I think I understand now, Detective," she said with the Ice Princess mask firmly back in place, "First Abbie, me, then Casey, and now it's some blonde bimbo fresh from junior college."

Now I was starting to get pissed. She didn't even know Jo and she was trying to judge her. That 'blonde bimbo' might just be the one to save my damn life. "What do you understand?"

"The women you date just keep getting younger and younger. I guess I'm too much of an old maid now."

"You're embarrassing yourself Alex." I laughed.

"What makes you think you're so special? I can have another you just like that!" she snapped her finger to emphasize the point.

Wow, that hurt Alex.

Two can play that game.

"Go back to Robert I'm sure the position for his trophy wife hasn't been filled yet. That way you can kill two birds with one stone: you can use him to become District Attorney and as a cover up for being a lesbian. Or why don't you slut yourself out to Jim Steele again? Either way makes me no difference, just one less manipulative bitch I have to deal with."

She slapped me across the face. Hard. So hard, in fact, that the sound echoed inside the interrogation room and saliva flew from my mouth.

"Oh my god...Liv...I'm so sorry!"

Before I could think I had the blonde shoved against a wall with my forearm to her chest. I leaned forward breathing heavily against her ear. I was so pissed that I could barely speak, "Don't ever put your hands on me again..."

The slap basically meant nothing. Compared to the torment of hell it was an insect bite at best.

No, what really pissed me off was the fact that she didn't seem afraid at all. She _knew_ that I wouldn't hurt her no matter how angry I was.

"You don't know me anymore Alex," I growled.

"I know you well enough," she said evenly. " You might as well let me go."

I grabbed the wrist of the hand she'd slapped me with a held it tightly. She uselessly fought as I easily pinned her arm against her side, "This is mine until you learn to keep it to yourself."

"Let me go or I'll scream."

"Go ahead and try it," I challenged her.

I wrapped an arm firmly around her waist and frowned. I hadn't noticed before but she was thin. Too thin. " Have you lost weight?"

She refused to look me in the eyes, "A little."

"Alex, have you been eating?" I demanded.

"Why do you care?" she shot back causing my anger to flair again.

My sacrifice would not be in vain. Alex was going to live to be a ripe old age even if it killed her.

"I _care_ because I love you."

"If you did, you would come back to me." she said barely above a whisper.

"The same way you did?" I argued.

"At least, I'm trying to make things right!"

" By starving yourself?"

"It's not on purpose Liv. Sometimes I just get so absorbed with work...and all this, that I lose my appetite."

"That's no excuse not to eat," I scolded her.

"I...I just really miss you that's all."

I took a deep breath, "What about Robert. Where does he stand in all of this?"

She responded hopefully, " He's long gone Liv, I promise."

It's a shame that I had to crush her. Sorry Alex but what's going to happen after I'm dead? After someone finds my mangled body ripped apart by hell hounds? Could you go on living after that?

"You know I will always be your friend." I lied. We both knew that I planned to keep my distance.

Her face immediately fell and I wanted to take Alistair's knife and gouge my own heart out with it. Instead, I placed a kiss on her cheek and walked away.

After work, I went to the gym again and beat my knuckles until they were sore and bloody. When that couldn't take away the pain of losing Alex again; I stopped at the liquor store on the way home and picked up a new bottle of scotch.

I was never the praying type.

But God help me now.

* * *

A week went by before I heard from Jo again. I came home from work late extremely late one night and saw that the red light was blinking on my answering machine. I took off my coat along with my gun and set them on the kitchen table. I poured myself a glass of wine before I finally listened to the message.

The message was from Jo and I knew immediately when she began speaking that something was wrong.

"I won't be coming back. Funny story...I'm dying." To prove her point the woman let out a moan of pure anguish. Her breathing became heavier as she continued "Looks like I was way in over my head. I... I wasn't cut out for this after all. There was so many things I wanted to do, I wanted to see the world."

Why did you have to go and get yourself killed, kid? When I needed you the most?

She continued after a long morbid silence " I don't have long...the Ace Bandage keeping my guts in place won't hold forever."

More cries of agony escaped from her and I couldn't control the warm tears filling my eyes.

What am I gonna do now?

"Kiss that pretty blonde woman for me..."

I could almost see her smirking on the other end of the line. Jo, can't you see that this is no time for jokes? You're dying hundreds of miles away and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Hell, I don't even know where you are.

"There are others like me...other hunters who can help you. All you have to do is find them. You have to find Sam and Dean...Win...Win..." her voice slowly trailed off and the line went dead.

I sobbed until my chest felt raw. I didn't know until now I was holding on to a small measure of hope that I would somehow get out of this deal. Now, I am as good as dead. Other hunters? Where am I supposed to look? Will they help me? Could I even trust these vigilantes of sorts?

Sam and Dean what? I didn't even know their last names. There could be millions of Sam and Deans in the world.

I saw my gun laying dangerously close. Screw these Sam and Dean characters. They couldn't even save Jo, how could I depend on them?

I'll probably just end up getting the poor bastards killed anyhow.

I slowly reached towards my loaded service weapon. If fate wants me dead so bad, maybe I'll just give in. Two years...right now; what difference does it make? Dead is dead. Hell will still be waiting for me no matter when I get there.

It's still waiting for me, patiently.

Maybe I'll just take my own advice for once.

I'll turn myself in, so to speak.

My hand trembled violently as it reached for the Glock. I squeezed my eyes shut at the last second and pushed it away. I knew that once it was inside my hand there would be no putting it down. I needed to get out of the apartment and far away from it. There was only one place I knew I could go.

To a friend's house...

* * *

I paused mid knock on the door to Alex's apartment. I flashed my badge to gain entrance inside her building but now I'm not sure what I'm doing here.

Wasn't I supposed to be keeping my distance?

I stuck my hand in my pockets and went back to the elevator. Unfortunately, the damn thing was still on the first floor and I had to wait for it to come up.

"Olivia?" a familiar voice called.

Alex came into the hallway with a satin robe hanging loosely from her lithe frame, the color clashed violently with my dark leather jacket

"How did you know I was out here?"

"The doorman buzzed and said there was a cop in coming up to question me. What are you doing here Liv?"

I shrugged rather lamely, "I was just in the neighborhood and thought I would stop by."

"It's two a.m. and you live on the other side of town."

" I know I shouldn't be here but I didn't have anywhere else to go," I admitted.

The elevator opened and I stepped inside. Alex stopped the door from closing and grabbed my arm, "Could you wait for a moment? You came all this way at least come inside for a cup of coffee..."

"It's late Alex you should go back to bed."

"Don't worry, I wasn't asleep," she assured me.

" What were you doing up so late?" I asked letting curiosity get the best of me, "Do you have company?"

Alex raised an eyebrow, "If I did, do you think I would be inviting you inside?"

I rolled my eyes but secretly felt relieved, "Make it scotch and you have a deal."

I followed Alex inside the spacey apartment and waited on the couch while she disappeared into the kitchen.

"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?" she asked returning with a shot glass for me and coffee for herself."

I shook my head, "Trust me-." I started.

"I don't want to know?" she finished.

I nodded and finished the alcohol in two short gulps. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block out the image of Jo lying god knows where dead.

"That's enough. I'm not getting you drunk."

It doesn't matter anyways. Not even alcohol could block out the suffering of that kid's voice out of my mind. Her last words skipped inside my mind like a broken record.

_Find Sam and Dean Win...Win..._

"You look like hell," Alex said absently.

"Gee thanks," I muttered.

"I'm serious Liv, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"Alex please, I can't tell you. When I say you don't want to know I'm really not lying."

"Don't you trust me?"

"This has nothing to do with trust. It's just safer for us both if you're left in the dark," I said stone faced.

The fact that I had not exactly answered the question wasn't completely lost on me.

Do I really trust Alex?

I trusted her enough to come all the way across town to see her in the middle of the night. I realized that I hadn't even considered calling Elliot or one of the other guys from work. It's always been Alex who I have depended on...

It's always been Alex...

I felt as though a gallon of cold water had been splashed in my face. It's always been Alex. She completed me and I needed to be whole again. After the news, I heard tonight there was no way I could return to my apartment and not put a bullet in my skull if. I needed her to give me strength. To give me a reason to keep living.

To keep fighting...

I decided to tell her the truth, at least, part of it anyways. "Remember that young woman from the bar?" I asked.

"How could I forget?" Alex answered dryly.

She left a voice mail on my answering machine she was dying. She's dead."

" Liv, I'm so sorry."

I finally told her the truth about what happened that night excluding the part about the demon and Jo offering to help me. I explained how I was waiting for Elliot to show up and how she came over to me to get some guys off her back. I sheepishly told her about Jo's idea to make her jealous.

"That was...mature," the blonde said irritably

"Nothing happened between us, even though she kind of made it clear that it was an option. It just didn't feel right."

"How did she die?"

"I...I don't know but whatever it was sounded horrible. She was really suffering."

Alex's brow creased as if she were in deep thought. "What I don't understand is if she barely knew you and nothing happened between you, why would she use her last moments to leave you a message?"

Damn it Alex. You're just too smart for your own good. I'm sorry but I can't get you involved in this.

"She was helping me with something."

"What?" was her predictable response.

"I can't tell you that Alex." I said firmly.

"I'm worried about you. First, you come and tell me that someone is dead and that she was helping you with something. Does that mean that you're in danger too?"

"I'm not in any danger," I hated lying to Alex. I wish I could tell her the truth about this.

"Why are you telling me this Liv? I thought you wanted to keep your distance?"

"You don't want me here?" I failed to keep the accusing tone from my voice.

"I didn't say that..." she said patiently.

" I miss you. Alex...I.I."

Now was the perfect moment to tell her exactly how I felt. I was usually so good with talking to people, so why am I choking now? What has happened to me?

I'm not the same woman Alex fell in love with before. I've been broken and hastily pieced back together.

Could she love the new me?

"I miss you too."

"Will you come back to me?" I asked simply.

I know it's not very romantic but I think we may be past that point. I think Alex knows everything I want to say to her even if I can't come right out and say it.

I could see her eyes swimming with tears.

I guess I'm not the only one who has changed...

"I thought you would never ask..."

* * *

TBC-


	6. One Year Left

**A Deal to Die For**

Chapter 8: One Year Left

"I should probably get going. Maybe, we can meet tomorrow for lunch?" I suggested.

"Why don't you spend the night Liv, I don't want you going out this late." Alex replied

I frowned oblivious to what she may have been hinting to. In my defense, I was exhausted from having one of the longest nights of my life. "Okay, I could take the couch..."

I felt her hand rub against my thigh, "You don't have to..."

Oh.

Oh!

A lopsided grin spread across my face "Alex, I would love to but could I take a shower first? It has been a very long day."

She smiled seductively, " I'll be waiting for you."

I ran the water as hot as I could stand it. I let the almost scorching liquid wash away today's grit and grime.

Too bad it couldn't cleanse my soul.

Before I crawled into bed with Alex, I had to have myself another drink. I snuck into the kitchen and took a few shots until I felt that familiar, comforting buzz. I rinsed my mouth in the sink and crept to Alex's bedroom.

The blonde raised her eyebrow upon my entrance. She was laid across the bed with her robe open exposing pale skin and sexy negligee, "I was beginning to think that you changed your mind."

Miss the opportunity to make love to you? Not in a million years...

I smiled in response and crawled across the king-sized bed towards her. My arms were around her, our lips inches from connecting when I heard the distinct sound of my cellphone ringing. We both groaned as I rolled away from her and snatched my phone from the nightstand. Instead of answering the call I took the battery out and threw the pieces in separate directions.

I just can't deal with work right now. I'm nearly burnt out and one more death tonight will send me over the edge. Elliot will just have to go at this one alone.

I turned my full attention back to Alex, "Any objections?"

"None from me," she replied clearly amused.

Hence, the love making resumed. I made sure to take her to the peak of climax, held her at the brink and sent her spiraling over the edge.

I thought that Alex would be rusty with another woman but she remembered everything there was to know about pleasing me.

God, did she remember...

When I checked the time again it was after four in the morning and Alex slept as sound as a newborn baby. I on the other hand couldn't sleep if my life depended on it.

I tried closing my eyes and even managed to almost drift off a couple of times. Each time I did though, some nightmare would force me to wake up. The worst dream so far was of me running from a half dozen or so hell hounds. My time was up and the hounds had come to collect the debt that I owed. I was sprinting as fast I could with the demonic creatures snapping ferociously at my heels.

One trip or even a slightly slower pace and they would catch up with me. I knew I couldn't keep the pace up forever, my chest was already burning from the exertion. I eventually tripped and fell leaving me at the mercy of the hell hounds. They tossed me around ruthlessly like a chew toy while I could do nothing but scream.

Thankfully, I woke up not long after the carnage had begun, but the damage was already done. For the first time since I came back from hell I was truly terrified. More so than ever because I finally have everything I wanted but in a short time I would lose it all.

Why? Why me? Why can't I have happiness?

Haven't I done enough?

Haven't I earned the comfort of a simple peace of mind?

No, because I went against nature; I defied God.

Fate stole Alex from me and I bitch slapped fate and took her back. The price for my defiance was high and I have to pay for it.

Alex mumbled something incoherent and snuggled in closer to me. I smiled despite my dread and wrapped my arms tighter around her.

I closed my eyes and imagined that the shooting didn't happen. No shooting meant Alex didn't die. No demon and no deal. We were married and happy. Content. I held on to that image as hard as I could.

Then and only then could I sleep.

* * *

I woke up to soft kisses being planted on my face. The kisses trailed up my jaw, up to my lips, the bridge of my nose and finally both eyelids. My eyes fluttered open and Alex came into focus, "You're up early..."

"I wouldn't call noon early," Alex said dryly.

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You were sleeping so peacefully I didn't have the heart to wake you up."

I'm glad she let me sleep, it was the most I've had in a few weeks. Jo's death still weighed heavily on my mind but I have no choice but to move forward now. I'm back at square one and on my own again. Somehow, I have to find a way to break this deal without Alex ever finding out anything. But how?

"What smells so good?" I asked as a pleasant aroma suddenly floated under my nose.

" Oh, I cooked you breakfast."

I sat up and frowned, "Alex, you didn't have to do that!" I objected. As soon as the words came out my stomach growled in protest.

"Sure, I didn't." the blonde playfully rolled her eyes.

I took the time to shower and dressed while Alex finished setting the table. When I arrived in the dining room to see what she had made my jaw nearly hit the ground.

"Alex, who is going to eat all of this?" I asked in amazement.

Somehow, between the time she woke up and noon the blonde managed to prepare a stack of pancakes, French toast, bacon, sausage links, eggs, toast and fresh fruit.

The attorney smiled shyly " You are? Sorry, I guess I got a little carried away."

I shook my head in awe and sat down at the table. I piled a little of everything on my plate and dug in. I stopped when I noticed that Alex barely touched any of the food.

"Is that all you're eating?" I asked between bites. Alex only had one slice of plain toast and a small portion of eggs on her plate.

"Liv, I cooked this breakfast for you. You enjoy it."

" It doesn't matter you can help me eat it. Come on Alex, don't fight me on this one." I was already putting more food on to her plate.

"Liv..." she sighed.

"Please baby don't fight me on this one," I pleaded.

Don't you know that I have to look after you, Alex. Something has to keep me going.

"Fine..." she mumbled accepting the food.

I leaned over and kissed her softly on the lips as thanks and went back to my breakfast. We ate mostly in silence before I remembered that I needed to turn my phone back on. Although, I was technically off today I knew I would have to find an excuse for not answering Elliot's call. I turned on the phone dreading the voice mail I knew that he had left.

I placed the phone on the table on speaker mode. If I was going to get chewed out then Alex would have to listen too. It _was_ partly her fault.

Instead of Elliot, another voice I recognized began to speak, "Liv, it's me Casey..."

I made a dive for the phone but Alex beat me to the punch.

"Alex give it to me," I growled reaching for the phone. She ignored me and started the message over again listening intently as the other woman spoke:

"Liv it's me, Casey. I'm sorry to bother you at work but could you call me back? I really miss you. Things in D.C didn't quite go as I expected...well maybe they did and I was just in denial. I forgot what a bastard my father can be at times and why we never spoke to one another. You can't imagine how it feels to endure weeks of his frequent speeches about the way my life turned out. I couldn't take it anymore, I had to get the hell away from him. I'm staying with my brother for a few days until my new place is ready. Could you meet me tomorrow at our usual place say around two o'clock to you know catch up? I don't expect anything so don't worry...I just need someone. A friend. "

I glared at Alex as she finally handed the phone back to me. I frowned and ran a hand through my ever-lengthening hair.

When was the last time I even had a cut?

I checked my watch, it was almost one o'clock. If I wanted to meet Casey I would have to hurry. I could probably call a cab but the subway might get me there a little faster.

"You aren't actually going to meet her are you?" Alex's voice coyly interrupted my train of thought. Her eyes were narrowed almost into slits.

"Yes..." I answered slowly. "Alex, I can't just ignore her. What else am I supposed to do?"

Her face flushed, "You can start by not going to see her. Did last night mean anything to you at all?"

" _Of course, it did,"_ I gritted out. I could already feel the anger swelling from the pit of my stomach. "You heard her, she doesn't expect anything. She just wants to be my friend."

"I would feel more comfortable if you didn't go," the blonde said coolly.

"Maybe you would but I'm still going." I responded stubbornly. "We're only back together for a few hours and already you can't trust me?"

"She's the one I don't trust. Besides you said so I don't know you anymore, remember?" Alex said evenly.

"So you think I would cheat?"

Alex crossed her arms, a sure sign that she was becoming uncomfortable " I didn't say that...but maybe you would be tempted to get even with me."

I pushed my plate away losing my appetite but longing for a cold drink. I couldn't believe she was insecure enough to think that I would use Casey as revenge against her.

"I wouldn't do that to Casey. She is a good woman that deserves better than to be used."

" You told me that she was long gone. Now suddenly when we get together she automatically reappears again. Something is definitely not right."

Damn you Alex. Can't you see how difficult this is for me? I love you more than life itself but I also love Casey too. She was a warm hearted, loving, and loyal woman towards me. She stood by me during my lowest of points. I can't hurt her any more than I already have.

"You heard the message as well as I did! How in the hell was I supposed to know my ex would come back the morning after we fucked?"

"That's all it was to you? That's all I am? A quick fuck?" Alex hurt fully accused me. "This so typical of you Liv!"

I couldn't believe how this argument was escalating from a simple voice mail.

"This is the hospital all over again. You are choosing Casey over me!"

"She was my girlfriend at the time! What was I supposed to do? And let's not get into choosing someone else over each other. Don't forget that I had to find out about your engagement to someone else through Abbie fucking Carmichael, a woman who hates my guts!"

Before I even finished my sentence, I was already standing up toppling the chair behind me. Just thinking about the night Abbie confronted me was enough to get my blood boiling. I hurried to the bedroom so that I could grab my things and get the hell out of her apartment.

"How would you feel if I went somewhere to meet one of my exes!" Alex protested following closely in my stead.

"I wouldn't give a flying fuck!" I shouted leaving Alex with her mouth wide open.

"If you go to see her, don't bother coming back to me!"

I turned around to see if she was serious. She was.

"Don't threaten me," I warned her.

"Trust me Liv, it's not a threat. It's a promise." Alex countered.

I sighed inwardly, maybe I was looking at this the wrong way. I had my priorities mixed up. No matter how conflicted I felt ,Alex came first.

But I had made a promise to Casey.

I told her that if she ever needed me for anything all she had to do was pick up the phone and I would come.

Promise made.

Promise kept...

I gave Alex a cold sidelong glance before I headed for the door.

"I can't believe you're leaving!" Alex screamed behind me " Are you going to fuck her too? Then you both can have a good laugh at my expense!"

"No, I'm not going to fuck her," I responded icily over my shoulder with one had on the door. "I'm going to say to her what you never could for me. The truth."

"Liv wait-" I paused at the door " P... please come back."

" I will," I mumbled before pulling the door closed behind me.

* * *

Funny thing about meeting someone; it only works well if both parties decide to show up. Unfortunately, Casey didn't seem to understand this concept, she was nowhere to be found. I called her phone several times only to be greeted by a less than cheerful voice mail.

" _Casey Novak, leave your name, number and a brief message."_

I grumpily hung up the phone for the fifth time and ordered myself a black coffee. I can't believe she didn't show up. This is what I argued with Alex for?

Just as I was about to give up and leave, I finally saw a pale figuring hurrying towards me, a very pale figure. Casey immediately threw her arms around my neck and the anger inside me slowly died away.

" I'm so glad you came," she breathed against me.

I pulled out her chair and ushered for the woman to sit down, "What took so long?"

I don't know if it was possible but her face turned even paler. I saw her eyes flicker taking in our surroundings before she finally addressed the question " N..Nothing, just traffic."

An obvious lie.

" Casey..." I warned her leaning forward, "Whatever it is you know that I can help."

She shook her head, "Not with this you can't."

"Are you in some sort of trouble?" I demanded. " Is someone bothering you?"

I quickly glanced around the small bar for any suspicious behavior aimed towards Casey. The placed seemed clean, besides the usual suspects.

I felt her hand cover mine, "Liv, it's alright, nothing I can't handle."

I didn't buy it for a second but I decided to let it go for now.

"You look good," Casey replied with a bright smile lighting her face. "You look beautiful."

"Stop it," I muttered dropping my head to hide my blushing face.

I recovered after a few seconds and decided to tell her about Alex right away. That way she could get up and leave early on if she felt the need to.

"Alex and I are back together." I said without hesitation. Alex may have her flaws but I would never be ashamed of her.

Never.

If Casey was upset or angry, she didn't show it. The only hint of surprise shown was red eyebrows slightly raised towards her hairline , "Okay..."

Now it was my turn to be shocked. Not that I'm complaining but I expected to hear more than a simple 'okay'.

"You're not angry?"

"Should I be?" the red head countered. I took a long drink from the coffee cup shaking my head.

"Look, I know how you feel about Alex and I don't want to stand in the way. It's pointless anyways," she added, "You can't fight against fate Liv. Trust me I know."

I eyed her warily. Who was this woman and what had she done with Casey Novak?

"I bet Alex gave you a hard time about coming here, didn't she?" the red head said knowingly.

"How did you know?" I asked.

She shrugged, "Because, I would have done the same thing..."

Women. Sometimes I just don't get them. Maybe, she would understand what I would have to do now.

"Casey, this story doesn't have a happy ending. This is the part where we cut ties, for good."

Or at least until I'm dead.

"Is that you or Alex talking?"

"Both of us. I can't ask her to do anything more than I won't do myself."

"Goodbye Liv," she replied after a moment

She leaned across and kissed my forehead. I was so stunned that I couldn't even respond. It can't be this easy to say goodbye for her, can it? Because it damn sure isn't for me.

As if sensing my thoughts, she caressed my cheek one last time, "You can't fight fate, remember..."

I watched Casey go, her last words falling heavily on my mind.

You couldn't fight fate and hell was mine.

* * *

I returned to Alex's apartment as promised later that night. So, what if I'm a little drunk. Where is the harm in that? I'm not hurting anyone besides myself.

Not to my surprise the doorman warned Alex of my arrival. I knew something was off because Alex opened the door but wouldn't allow me to come in.

"Liv...maybe you shouldn't come inside."

I was hot, drunk and tired. There was no way I came all this way just to be turned away. I glared at the nervous blonde, "Alex move aside, I told Casey that we couldn't see each other anymore. Happy?"

"Yes, baby I am... but I have a visitor..." she explained.

My jaw clenched, "What kind of visitor?"

She took my face in her hands " Liv, I'm so sorry, when you didn't come back I... thought you were off being unfaithful."

"I would never cheat on you baby. I love you."

"I love you too Liv, do you believe that?"

"Of course, I do Alex. Can you let me inside now?"

"I called Robert," she said regretfully, " I wanted you to feel how I did."

I'm sorry what did you say Alex? I couldn't hear you over the sound of my heart ripping out.

"Liv, I'm sorry. I felt so bad that I told him about us and I asked him to go, but he wouldn't leave."

I could hear my heart pounding inside my ears. Robert was still inside her apartment. "Move out of my way," I growled.

" No! I don't want you getting into any trouble!" she pleaded to me.

"Alex, get the fuck out of my way!" I took her by the shoulders and pushed her roughly against the door.

"Honey, who was it?" a man's voice called from the bedroom of all places. What in the hell was he doing in her bedroom?

"Liv, please..." Alex was crying now, she tried to grab hold of my arm but I shrugged her off.

When he didn't get a response Robert came from the bedroom, thankfully still dressed in his suit and tie. I was beyond pissed off and ignoring every rational thought in my mind. I wanted to hurt him.

"Alex, you didn't say _she_ would be coming by. Olivia right?"

Alex stepped between us in the nick of time as I practically lunged for the man. "Robert, I made a big mistake by calling you. You need to leave now!"

"I'm not going anywhere," the man said furiously "You think you can just keep playing with me like this? I'm not your fucking doormat Alex!"

"Robert, I'm sorry just leave!" Alex pleaded.

"I'll ruin you for this," Robert sneered " You can kiss any political ambitions you ever had goodbye."

"Yeah I bet you will!" I shouted. " Admit to everyone how you lost your woman to a dyke. I bet that will go well at the country club!"

"Shut up, Detective Benson. My problem is with Alex not with you."

"Alex is my problem!"

"I have nothing against your kind but only a man can properly please a woman."

I would have laughed if the situation wasn't so infuriating. Who in the hell does this guy think he is?

I snickered in his face and turned to the woman who had caused this mayhem, "Alex, who do you want? Me or him?"

" I want you Liv..." Alex said immediately. "I only want you."

I shrugged managing to smirk passed my rage, "You heard her. That means get the fuck out or I'll make you get out! Decide!

I thought that he made a smart choice and decided to leave quietly. Instead he took the difficult path, one I secretly hoped he would take.

Robert swung at me...

I fell through Alex's coffee table shattering the glass. The impact nearly knocked me unconscious. If I hadn't been to hell already, it would have. But Alistair had taught me a hard lesson all those months inside the pit. He trained my body to stay awake during pain. I never thought that any of his lessons would come in handy, up until now.

My heart threatened to burst from all the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I pushed myself off the floor and let my rage run free.

One of my palms smashed against the man's nose breaking it for the trouble. While Robert was reeling from the fractured bone I used my own skull as a weapon and smashed it into his. Unlike him, I ignored the blinding pain and preceded to use his face as my own personal punching bag.

I heard Alex distantly yelling for me to stop hitting him and eventually I did.

"If I catch you here again I'll kill you understand? I _will kill you!_?" I growled forcing him to consider my eyes.

Maybe he could see the pure unrestrained rage in my eyes. Maybe he could even see the pain and fires of hell. Whatever the case made Robert nod frantically before I threw him out into the hall way.

"Liv, you could have killed him!" Alex cried. " Look at you, you're bleeding all over!"

She was right, I had cuts from the glass on both arms and sticking to my jacket. I ignored her and the pain and went into the kitchen. I sat back down at the kitchen table with a bottle of scotch in hand and took an extended drink.

After the pain dulled, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and asked casually, "So...what do you have planned for tomorrow?"

* * *

"Doesn't this hurt?" I asked skeptically. Here I was picking tiny shards of glass from Liv's hands and she wasn't making a sound. If it were me, I would probably be screaming like a banshee.

A little," the detective responded softly.

I am really starting to worry about Olivia. The rage she displayed towards Robert was something I have never seen in her before. The drinking has become a big problem too.

Luckily, none of the cuts needed professional attention. I grimaced as I rubbed alcohol on her wounds to help prevent infection. Olivia didn't even flinch.

"Thank you," Olivia mumbled.

I went to find the broom to clean up this mess caused by Olivia and Robert. I hoped that his ego was bruised enough not to pursue any criminal charges against Liv. Technically, he was the one who had thrown the first punch and I would testify against him if I had to.

Speaking of that punch; I don't know how Liv managed to get up after it. Robert was a strong man; he spent time in the gym at least three times a week. I knew that Liv was tough but I was sure that the punch would have knocked her out for a week. Not to mention she landed right through the coffee table! Liv got right back up as if she were only lightly tapped. Something strange was happening to the detective and I was determined to find out what.

It sounds selfish but I want the old Olivia back. I know that I helped to create this battle-scarred woman before me and I am beginning to hate myself for it. I should be her wife right now and if I could go back in time, I would be.

I took the selfish route after being released from witness protection. Instead of coming back to Liv: the woman who loved me, cherished me, the one who could make me happy, and the only person I have ever fallen in love with; I took another path. I took that path because there was only one thing that the love of my life couldn't give.

Power.

That bastard Zapata took my life away making me feel weak and helpless. Before the shooting I always had strong political ambitions but not on the magnitude of my return. After years of feeling scared I wanted to feel in control again.

My relationship with Olivia could hold me back from political office, I knew it and so did she. When the time came I would have to make a choice...

"So, how did things go with Casey?" I tried sounding casual.

"She'll live," Liv replied sarcastically.

"Are you angry with me?" That was a stupid question to ask. Of course, she was pissed off; I behaved like a sixteen-year-old. I already know that I screwed up again.

"Why should I be?" she shrugged. My heart broke to see the look of sadness in her eyes, the look of defeat. "After everything, nothing you do could surprise me."

I watched in silence as she stood up and disappeared into the bedroom. A few moments later I heard the shower running. I took the opportunity to clean up the broken glass in the center of my living room. I finished sweeping up the glass as well as vacuuming. Liv was fast asleep by the time I crawled into bed.

I moved a stray piece of hair from her face. Something like tonight could never happen again. I've waited so long to have her back. I couldn't afford to lose her.

"I'll be devoted to you from now on," I whispered, "I promise."

"...Alistair..." Olivia mumbled in her sleep.

Who in the hell was Alistair and why was Liv saying his name in her sleep. I immediately felt a twinge of jealously that she would be dreaming about another man.

"Evil...son of a bitch," she muttered. She took in a sharp breath, "Nooo...stop please."

To my horror she began thrashing wildly clenching the sheets as if she were in real pain. I shook her roughly on her shoulder but she refused to wake.

"Elliot! Help me!" I began to panic. No matter how hard I tried, she just wouldn't wake up.

"Pleassseee...it hurts so much," she moaned.

Tears began to well up in my eyes. I shook her more violently this time but only received terrified moans in response. I ran into the kitchen and filled a glass with ice cold water. I splashed the icy liquid in her face and finally she sprang awake.

I threw my arms around her neck while she breathed heavily recovering from the shock of the nightmare. I took her face into my hands forcing her to look into my eyes "Who is Alistair? Did he hurt you?"

Her eyes widened slightly "I... I'm fine, it was just a nightmare."

"Don't you lie to me," I replied furiously,"That was NOT just a nightmare! Please talk to me Liv. I can help you."

"...No, you can't." she answered coldly.

She shrugged me off and threw the covers away. I followed her into the kitchen and growled when she went towards the liquor cabinet.

"Haven't you already had enough? Getting drunk will not solve any of your problems!"

"You don't think I fucking know that Alex?" she snapped. "Don't treat me like I'm a child."

"Then why do you keep doing it? Please, just talk to me. I'm here Liv, I'm right here! Please!"

She shook her head "...Sorry but no."

My shoulders slumped in defeat. She swallowed most of the drink in one gulp and I cringed. I couldn't imagine being able to hold down liquor like that.

What have I done to you? The woman I knew wouldn't hide her emotions like this. She wouldn't hide them behind drinking.

Then again this wasn't the same woman I knew...

We haven't been together for seven years. A person can change a lot in that time.

I can't give up though. I must have faith that the woman I love is still deep inside of her. I just don't know where to look. I don't know how to reach into her core anymore, underneath the layers. Those walls were built up throughout her entire life and reinforced with concrete in the last seven years.

What am I supposed to do?

"There is something that you have been hiding from me and I want the truth Olivia, now!" I said firmly.

The brunette grinned crookedly but her eyes remained dark and haunted "…. You forgot to say please."

"Please!" I scoffed impatiently.

"The day I was stabbed my heart stopped beating for a few moments. I was dead. The first time I woke up...I was in hell."

"Of course, you were in hell; a knife was inches away from piercing your vital organs. It was amazing that you survived at all."

She pinched the bridge of her nose, "No Alex, I woke up in hell, the _actual_ hell."

I might have laughed if I hadn't already heard the nightmares. I have heard of people having near death experiences but never going directly to hell.

Besides, what God would send Liv to hell? She was the most caring and pure hearted person I knew.

"Are you sure it was hell?" I asked skeptically. "Maybe the experience triggered post dramatic stress."

"Post dramatic stress? Don't try to analyze me Alex, I'm not crazy!" she protested.

"I didn't say that, don't put words into my mouth," I answered coolly.

"But you implied it!"

"Are you sure that it was hell though?" I said quickly changing the subject. "How do you know the difference between the pains you felt here versus this so-called hell?"

"How do I know the difference?" she laughed, "You think that stabbing was real pain? That was nothing. Imagine the worst pain you've ever felt, now magnify it a thousand times. A hundred thousand times!"

"You were only gone for a few seconds..."

"It doesn't matter...a few seconds here was equivalent to months there." she explained.

"This Alistair was the one who hurt you in hell?"

Her eyes filled with tears "He didn't just hurt me, he enjoyed hurting me. It was like some sick game..."

"Tell me. Give me some of your burden."

"No!" she hissed. "I couldn't begin to describe...it would give you nightmares Alex. I have to bury it down deeper than anything..."

"Maybe you could talk to George..." I suggested.

"I'm not talking to a psychiatrist, "she mumbled "This is the only shrink I need."

She took another shot. I snatched the bottle away and poured what was left down the drain.

"You think I'm crazy, don't you?"

I shook my head, "I don't think you're crazy, I just have a hard time accepting that _you_ of all people could end up in hell."

"Maybe, I deserved to be there."

"Why would you say something like that?"

I tried to wrap my arms around her but she flung me off roughly hurting my feelings more than anything else.

She gave me the cold shoulder, "Call Robert again, I'm sure he needs more comforting than I do."

"Please don't start pushing me away again." I pleaded.

Olivia chose not to respond. She was too busy trying to fight the anger threatening to show its ugly face again. While I was still confident that she wouldn't physically harm me, I wasn't quite sure about anyone else. Especially, after she nearly beat Robert into a bloody pulp.

I wonder how much of her new anger was my doing and how much stemmed from this so-called time in hell.

"Do you have any feelings for me at all?" she sneered.

"You know that I do."

"Funny way of showing it," she mumbled back.

Sometimes, my lips tend to move before my brain can catch up. I blurted out, "If you hadn't insisted on going to see Casey none of this would have happened."

"So now this is my fault?"

"In a way, it _is_ partly your fault. Besides, I remember asking how you would feel if I went somewhere to meet one of my exes your exact response was 'I wouldn't give a flying fuck.'

"You are unbelievable."

"What is unbelievable is that you won't admit that you still love her," I argued honestly just grasping for straws. I didn't know if she still loved Casey or not. Her answer was both shocking and hurtful.

"I haven't tried to deny it, Alex."

That was certainly unexpected. I blinked hard unsure of how to respond to these recent turn of events "Well, if you love her so much what are you doing here?"

"Ask yourself that question. What _am_ I doing here?"

"I'm tired of fighting with you," I said after a long moment of uncomfortable silence "I think we should take things slower from now on. It's clear that you haven't forgiven me for everything and I don't know what else to do."

"Fine, I guess that means no more of these little sleepovers. I'll just go home."

I miss the days when I thought her hotheadedness was attractive "Don't be ridiculous, it's the middle of the night and you're stone drunk."

I followed her back to the bedroom while she quickly shrugged on pants and shirt. The leather slung easily across her shoulders and she was making good time towards the door.

Damn you Alex. Why can't you keep your big mouth shut for once?

"Will it help if I said that I'm sorry again?" I tried lamely.

She spun around, "Do me one favor, Alex. The next time you decide to take a stab at my back, just finish me off."

I jumped as the door slammed violently behind her. The only thing left to do was wait until the morning and hope things would blow over. Otherwise, I was back at square one.

* * *

I went to couple of bars on the way home and threw back a few hard drinks to clear my mind. Things with Alex were obviously not going so well. I know deep down that I'm the one who is ruining things between us. I ruin everything….

The thought of losing her again makes me drink even more simply to drown out the pain. Now Alex knows about hell. Why, because I was stupid enough to tell her.

How could I be so stupid? So, now I'm an alcoholic and a lunatic…

Real fucking smooth….

"Another scotch and make it a double," I heard my voice slur.

The bartender was a balding man probably in his late fifties to early sixties. He was wearing a white button-down shirt underneath a vest and stupid fucking bow tie. Now, the prick was telling me that I've had enough to drink.

Seriously, after the day I've had he does not want to fuck with me. If I want to succumb to alcohol poisoning after a shitty day; that's my business.

"I'll decide when I've had enough," I growled slamming a twenty on the table and gestured with my empty shot glass.

The man eyed the money hesitantly and after sighing poured my drink "This is the last one then I'm calling you a cab." He added trying to save a little face.

The prick….

"Thanks mom," I snickered.

The man rolled his eyes and left to tend to another customer; a beautiful blonde woman whose name just happened to be Serena Southerlyn. It was almost too good to be true until I remembered the part of town I was in. Just like Alex, Serena came from a wealthy family and she could afford to stay out of work without having to worry about making a living.

Serena wasn't so bad. I didn't particularly have a problem with her. It was the person she was with that I couldn't stand; Abbie 'fuck my life' Carmichael.

I usually avoided Abbie like a plague but not tonight. I was now wasted drunk and hell bent on revenge for that little mind fuck she pulled at Branch's party. That Texan bitch wanted to embarrass me?

I'll show her embarrassment….

I guzzled down the last drink and wiped the excess liquid that ran down my chin. I followed Serena from the bar and to a quiet table towards the back. I stumbled over a few chairs but luckily went unnoticed by the smiling blonde.

Abbie was waiting for her at the table. I must admit that despite being a ruthless bitch she was still pretty hot. I grinned as Serena sat down and handed the dark-haired woman her drink. I grabbed an empty chair and dragged it screeching along with me. I sat backwards in the chair reveling at the look of pure horror on my ex's face.

I stole the champagne glass from Abbie's hand and swallowed the bubbly drink in one long gulp. "You call this a drink?" I scoffed slamming the glass down.

"…. Benson, what the _fuck_ are you doing here?" Carmichael managed to grit out.

"I'm sorry…am I interrupting?" I asked innocently.

"Yes, we're kind of in the middle of something," Serena answered politely

"Is this a date?" I grinned devilishly looking back and forth between Serena and Abbie.

Abbie reached out and took the blonde's hand, "As a matter of fact it is. Now could you please leave or should I call your sponsor?" the Texan snapped.

I laughed hysterically beating my fists obnoxiously on the table. After a few minutes without showing signs of slowing down I saw Serena drop her head as the other patrons began to look towards us.

"You are causing a scene," said Abby coldly. "I know what you are doing and it won't work."

I wiped crocodile tears from my eyes as the laughter finally subsided "What's the matter Abs, you used to have such a good sense of humor. Like that time you thought it would be funny to introduce me to Alex's fiancé…"

"You should get down on your knees thanking me. If it weren't for me that blue blooded bitch would have kept you hanging over a bottle of scotch for the rest of your miserable life." She sized me up for a moment, "It looks as though she has already succeeded."

I laughed again only this time, if possible, louder and more obnoxious than before.

"Stop provoking her," Serena hissed.

"Serena, I must say that you look stunning tonight but you can do so much better than Carmichael here." "What brought you down to the slums of Texas?"

"I love her," the blonde said without hesitation.

Why did I suddenly feel a pang of jealously? Is it because Alex had never told anyone that she loved me?

I wiped an imaginary tear from my eye "That was beautiful. I believe a toast is in order." I stood up and snatched the empty glass tapping it hard and loud until the damned thing shattered. "Here! Here! Could I have everyone's attention please?"

"Sit down!" Abbie shouted tugging at my arm.

I snatched away and continued,"These two women are in love! Of course, if Serena is really lucky she'll have sex on the first night like I did with Abbie…."

I plopped down on the chair. Serena was now hiding her face inside her hands and Abbie looked pure murderous. She grabbed a nearby waitress in passing and demanded to have the bill. I felt good that I ruined Abbie's evening but at the same time guilty that Serena had to suffer in the process.

"Olivia, give me your phone, "the blonde suddenly demanded after the waitress brought the check.

"What for?" I asked.

"I'm calling someone to come get you. I can't just leave you here even after that display. Now that you and Abbie are even you both can move on with your lives."

I begrudgingly handed her my phone only because I didn't have money for an expensive cab ride. Hopefully, Elliot wouldn't be too pissed when he came to get me….

Who was I kidding? Elliot would be beyond pissed off…

I waited as Serena found Elliot's number in my phone and began dialing. My mouth dropped when instead of saying my partner's name, she said, "Hello is this Casey?"

"This is Serena Southerlyn sorry to disturb you at this time of night," she explained formally. "Why am I calling you from Olivia's number? Funny story but your girlfriend is rather inebriated and I was wondering if you would come to pick her up."

I groaned as my little stunt backfired like always when Serena's eyebrows quickly shot up towards her hair line "…My mistake, Casey. Once again, sorry to disturb you, good night."

"What is it Rena?" Abbie asked curiously.

Serena grinned turning to me, "Well that was Casey Novak, who I thought was your girlfriend but she told me that I should call Alex to come get you instead."

"You're back with Cabot?" Carmichael demanded, "How stupid and gullible can you get?"

"You almost sound jealous Abbie," I sniggered.

"Only in your dreams," the Texan snorted.

"Excuse me; I'm going outside to call Alex. Try not to kill each other until I come back."

As soon as Serena walked outside; Abbie leaned forward with a sneer on her attractive features, "So tell me something Benson. Now that you have Cabot back why are you still binge drinking like she just dumped you?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," I shot right back.

"Oh, but I would. Anything that has something to do with your misery just fills me up to the core. So, what is it Benson are you woman enough to spill? Afraid of what little ol' Abbie will think of you?"

I leaned over closer to her grinning wide but my eyes were expressionless. What the hell, she wouldn't believe me anyways; Casey hadn't. "I went to the crossroad and got down on my knees. I sold my soul to a red eyed demon seven years ago and I have one more year left on this god forsaken earth. To be honest, even hell seems a lot more fun than these awkward meeting running into you."

Of course, I hadn't gone to an actual crossroads; the goddamn thing had been waiting for me on the subway. I borrowed that line from a blues song I heard by a man named Robert Johnson. I didn't listen to blues very often but I found it easy to listen to his songs when I found out that he was rumored to have sold his soul as well….

I leaned back in my chair smirking all the while expecting to see the look of absolute skepticism on Abbie's face.

What I saw instead was something else….

I saw realization...

Why did I see realization?

Her eyes widened in disgust and horror. I recognized the look only because I saw it on Jo Harvelle's face when I told her about the deal I made for Alex's life.

Abbie choked, "W…What did you just say?"

I froze completely and luckily Serena came back a few seconds later.

"Well, Alex will be here in a few minutes and boy did she sound angry…." Her voice trailed off as she glanced between us, "Besides the obvious, have I missed something? Abbie, your face has gone really pale."

The brunette stood up almost toppling the chair with her, "We're leaving, now," she told Serena.

"Abbie, what-"- Serena started

"NOW!" the brunette interrupted quickly grabbing the blonde's arm.

What have I done? Can this night get any fucking worse? If so just strike me down with lightning right now.

"Abbie, I don't know how you know the truth but I'm sorry…."

Her only response was to deliver a hard fist into my face. I was so drunk and exhausted that I couldn't even defend myself. I fell back from my chair and the world thankfully went black….

* * *

I considered leaving Olivia at the bar to let her deal with the consequences of her own actions. A few moments later I scolded myself for thinking so coldly. I knew if the situation were reversed that she would come for me without any hesitation.

I called a cab and gave him the address of the bar that Serena called me from. Serena and I haven't spoken since the incident that happened at her apartment. I admit that I miss having her around. Before Olivia came, Serena had been my best and only real friend. How foolish was I to have thrown everything away over one silly argument?

Will I ever learn?

I told the driver to wait while I went inside to find Olivia. I found her slumped against a table with Serena keeping a close eye on her. The other blonde sighed with relief as I approached and stood up to greet me.

"I am so sorry about this. Thank you for staying with her."

"No problem, Alex." Serena grinned blushingly, "Besides, it was the least thing I could do after Abbie…."

I frowned as her voice trailed off, "After she did what?"

"Well, after I came back inside from calling you Olivia was apologizing for something but Abbie…. punched her in the face."

I glared at the blonde shaking my head, "I swear… the company you keep."

Serena raised an eyebrow gesturing towards Olivia, "Do you really want to make that argument right now."

"Go straight to hell," I hissed before shaking the sleeping brunette awake. "Olivia, wake up honey; it's time to go home."

"Alex?" her voice slurred.

I hooked an arm under her shoulder pulling the detective to her feet. I nearly collapsed under the extra weight. It's not that Olivia is very heavy; I'm just not very strong.

"At least let me help you to the car," Serena sighed ducking under Olivia's other shoulder. We eventually made it to the cab and managed to slide Liv in the back seat.

"Well, thanks again," I replied dryly.

"When you are ready to talk again; my number hasn't changed."

I nodded silently and went into the back seat beside Olivia. As the cab pulled off Olivia leaned against the window clutching her forehead.

"You didn't have to come all the way here Alex." Olivia groaned suddenly, "Could you pull the cab over? I think I'm going to be sick."

The driver swerved right just in time to pull over for Liv to open the door and vomit violently. She eventually slammed the door shut and we drove off again.

I promised the cab driver an extra twenty if he would help me get her to my apartment. The man practically carried her inside by himself and I handed him the cash.

Olivia stumbled the rest of the way and plopped on the couch. "I'll sleep out here tonight and be gone before you wake up tomorrow," she mumbled covering her eyes with a forearm.

"Would you stop being so difficult for once?" I snapped.

I managed to pull her back up again and into the bedroom. She fell back on the bed eagle spread and I began removing her clothing.

"You're too good to me Alex," Olivia smiled rubbing my cheek affectionately.

I smiled back leaning into her touch, "Not nearly as good as you are to me."

* * *

I woke up the next morning to the worst hangover of my life. After being sick in the toilet for about twenty minutes I finally left Alex's apartment for work. I took a shower at the station and changed into some spare clothing I kept in my locker.

"Rough night?" Elliot asked as usual showing no sympathy for me.

"I've had better," I mumbled popping a few painkillers into my mouth.

"Well hurry up. We have a crime scene to be at like yesterday." the man said checking his watch.

I grumbled an incoherent response and shrugged back on my leather jacket. I'm really beginning to hate this job now that my time is almost up. I needed a vacation that didn't include hell in my immediate future.

Work was brutal and I nearly broke down the door trying to leave. To make matters worse I hadn't heard from Alex all day.

I wonder if she had indeed meant what she said about taking things slower.

I hurried home hoping for a quick bite to eat before I crashed early for the night.

Of course, when I got home my door was unlocked. I sighed angrily and pulled my gun from its holster. Whoever decided to surprise me was in for a rude awaking. I pushed the door open with my shoulder and went in gun first.

"Freeze!" I yelled only to have my 'intruder' turn around to glare at me.

Abbie tossed the silver key at my feet, "I forgot to give that to you after we broke up."

"What the hell are you doing here?" I growled seriously considering shooting the woman.

"Oh, I was just in the neighborhood. I decided to stop by and see why you sold your damn soul!" she snapped.

I raised an eyebrow, "How do you know about demons anyways?"

"Don't try to avoid the question, Benson."

"Quid Pro Quo, counselor."

"You go first!" Abbie insisted.

I finally lowered my weapon and flopped down on my worn couch. "Remember when Alex was shot? Well, she didn't make it the first time around so I sold my soul to bring her back."

Abbie cursed, "I knew it! I knew it had something to do with her. That bitch paid you back really good, didn't she?"

"Now tell me how you know about demons." I demanded.

"It's a family secret," she answered shortly.

"Don't you want to elaborate on that a little bit?" I asked my interest suddenly peaked.

Abbie began pacing the living room, "That is the least of your worries right now. You do realize that you're going to hell, right? Does all eternity mean anything to you?"

"Gee, I guess I hadn't thought of that Abbie! Thank you, very much!" I shouted, "If you're here to talk shit and tell me things I already know; don't waste your breath!"

"I'm here to help you dumb ass!"

Okay, now my interest was really peaked, "Are you a hunter, Abbie?"

She shook her head to my disappointment, "No, but I may know a few who might be able to help you."

"Do you know a Sam and Dean...?" I probed her practically bouncing from my seat.

"Who?" the Texan asked.

"Never mind." I skulked.

"Does Cabot know?"

I glared up at my former girlfriend, "No and she won't _ever_ know."

Abbie shook her head in disgust and headed for the door, "I'll call you tomorrow. Make sure that you're available."

"Abbie!" I called out just as she was about to leave.

"What Benson?"

"Why are you helping me? Shouldn't you be scratching my eyes out at the moment?"

I just had to know. I thought for sure that Abbie hated my guts.

She flashed me the first genuine smile that I have gotten from her in years; her eyes were sad, "No one deserves to go to hell. Not even you Benson."

The best thing about having an argument with Olivia is the incredible make up sex afterwards. No one has ever loved me this way, not Robert and not Jim. How could I have ever walked away? How could I have ever strayed? I try to catch my breath and slowly come down from the natural high I'm experiencing.

She hovered over me planting a soft kiss against my collar bone.

Fight? What fight...?

"It's getting late and I should probably go home."

Is she kidding? She wants to leave after that?

Olivia kissed my cheek one last time before rolling out of bed. I propped up on my elbow lazily rubbing her back, "You don't have to go."

"I have work early in the morning," she grumbled.

"We work together. I will gladly take you." I suggested.

"Alex, will you stop being difficult? Wasn't it your idea to take things slower between the two of us?" she argued.

"I didn't mean that you should fuck me and then leave like I am some kind of whore!" I gritted out.

Liv motioned to speak, no doubt sparking another argument, but her cell phone rang. I suppressed a scream of frustration while she took the time to answer a goddamn phone call. To my surprise and instant suspicion, she stood up fully nude and took the call in the next room.

"Who were you talking to?" I questioned after it took her nearly twenty minutes to return from the call.

"Elliot," Olivia answered as she crawled on the floor to find her missing articles of clothing. An obvious lie but one she knew that I couldn't check up on. Even if I were to ask Elliot I know that he would no doubt cover up for his partner.

I sat up covering myself as she found her underwear hanging from the bed post, "Are you cheating?"

"What?" As if she hadn't heard me. As if the look of her surprise hasn't said it all.

"Are. You. Cheating?" I repeated myself putting on my best cross examination face.

"So, let me get this straight," the detective replied clasping her bra. "You decide that we need to slow down and once I do as you ask; you accuse me of cheating?"

"Answer the question," I said coldly. "Was Casey on the phone?"

"The entire time Casey and I were together all she ever asked about was you. Now the tables have turned, and all you ever do is ask about her."

"I just want you to tell me the truth for once," I countered angry and a little hurt at being compared to Casey in any way. "On second thought just go."

I turned away from her and felt my eyes prickling with tears as I heard the door close a few moments later.

When did I become such a crybaby? I feel so weak and helpless around her. I feel as though I'm slowly losing her to alcohol, mysterious phone calls and secrets that she can't tell me about.

Only this time I know what I'm losing….

* * *

I knocked loudly and impatiently on the door until it finally swung open. An annoyed looking Abbie Carmichael stepped aside to let me into her apartment and bolted the door behind us.

"Wake the whole damned apartment building, would you?" Abbie barked.

"Sorry," I mumbled not in the least bit apologetic. I finally noticed what she was wearing: only a black sports bra and boy shirts.

Damn, she was hot.

I quickly averted my eyes, "Do you mind putting on some clothes? You knew that I was coming over."

The Texan smirked, "Well, you're late. I was just about to hop in the shower. Besides, grow up Benson, it's not like you haven't seen all of this before."

I rolled my eyes and muttered, "Don't remind me."

"Go straight to hell, oh that's right, you're already going."

I sighed irritably, "Are we going to fight all night, or actually solve my little problem?"

"Don't get your boxers in a twist, we'll work on it together."

She left me in the living room to get changed. Abbie came back wearing a more sensible black tank top and grey sweat pants.

"Aren't you supposed to be back in D.C?" I asked.

"I transferred back a few months back."

She grabbed a large black address book off the coffee table and sat next to me on the couch. "My father was a hunter back in Texas. When he died I found this book with all his old contacts inside. I think we may be able to find someone who can help you."

"How did he die?" I inquired.

"The only thing that you need to worry about is how you're going to die if we don't find this demon." Abbie countered rudely.

Remind me again. Why am I working with Abbie Carmichael? That's right, I have no other fucking choice. This would probably be the longest and last year of my life.

"Fine, no more family questions. What do you want me to do?"

She opened the book, "Start dialing numbers until we find someone to help."

"You make it sound so easy. Hi, my name is Olivia and I sold my soul; will you help me?" I replied sarcasm dripping from my voice.

Abbie swatted my knee playfully, "Just do it alright. You want to live, don't you?"

Indeed, I do want to live, so I began dialing the numbers alphabetically. A lot of the numbers were disconnected but Abbie assured me that was normal. Hunters used many different aliases and phone numbers to avoid run-ins with the law. There were often several numbers associated with each name listed in her contact book.

Soon the death calls started coming…

One after another I heard stories of the hunters being killed 'in the line of duty'. By the color of her pale skin I could tell that Abbie wasn't having much luck either.

I hung up after what felt like the hundredth call desperately craving a drink. I wonder if Abbie keeps any scotch or beer in her apartment?

"What now?" I groaned

So far, we have gotten nowhere. Although, I did leave a few voicemails, most of the numbers ended up being complete dead ends. Literally.

I glanced over at Abbie who stared straight ahead while clutching the address book in a white knuckled grip.

"Are you okay?" I asked cautiously.

"Will you excuse me for a moment?" she replied not waiting for my response.

Abbie hurriedly left the couch and withdrew into her bedroom. I eventually heard sobbing come from the direction.

Damn it. That's all I need.

I looked eagerly towards the door wondering if I should leave.

Come on Benson, have a heart.

"Did she show any mercy to me when I was crying my eyes out in the women's bathroom that night?" the angry and bitter voice in the back of my head argued.

Well, no, but once upon a time I did love Abbie. And she did volunteer to help me even though she hated my guts.

I took a deep breath and went after her.

I soon stood at the edge of her bed where the woman curled herself into a fetal position crying like a small child. My lips suddenly refused to move. I guess I hadn't thought about what I would say well enough.

Honestly, what could I say? Everything would certainly not be okay; all her friends were dead and I was still going to hell in a year.

"You don't have to stand there all-night Benson." she sniffled.

"I know." I let silence fill the room until she was ready to talk.

"They were good men and women," she whispered hoarsely. "Some of them were like family to me."

"They all died for a reason, Abbie." I added softly. "They died to fight and destroy evil."

"They died for nothing," she said bitterly, "No matter how hard they fought there will always be something evil out there lurking in the shadows."

"No one said it would be easy." I knew that better than anyone.

"How can you even get out of bed every morning knowing what is waiting for you in a year?" Abbie groaned.

I shrugged, not quite sure myself, "Alcohol helps."

"Do you ever plan on telling Cabot?"

My jaw set, "Never."

Fire ignited inside her eyes as she uncoiled herself from the ball and advanced on me "So, you're just going to crawl inside a hole somewhere and die!" Abbie screamed. "Alex will think it was an accident and live the rest of her life while you burn in hell!"

"That's the idea," I replied icily. "I'm going home. Thanks for the help, Carmichael. See you around. "

I stuffed my hands inside my pockets ready to go home and drown myself with alcohol before hopefully falling into a deep dreamless sleep.

"Benson, wait," Abbie said quickly grabbing my arm.

"What."

"Let's go after the demon ourselves," she replied. Her eyes were ignited with the same fire she had shown me moments before. I also saw a rage and pain that stemmed deeper than anything that had taken place today.

"Are you insane?" I snapped resisting the strong urge to slap her, "We are not hunters. We'll just end up getting ourselves killed."

"No, I'm not a hunter," Abbie agreed. "But my father taught me a lot of things even though he wouldn't let me go on an actual hunt. We can summon that demon and send it straight back to hell."

I shook my head, "It's too dangerous. I'm not having any part of getting you killed."

"I don't see another way, "she argued. " Do you realize exactly where you're going? You're going to hell for all eternity!"

"I already know that," I growled, "I don't need you to remind me every five minutes."

"Call me when you are ready to live," the attorney sneered, "Otherwise, enjoy being some demon's bitch in hell."

I could tell that she instantly regretted making the snide remark but I was used to Abbie trying to hurt me.

I shook my head at her one last time before leaving the god forsaken apartment.

This is what I left spending the night with Alex for? To have more disappointment on top of Abbie's bitchy comments thrown my way? What did I ever see in her back then? I suppressed a shudder as I stepped out into the cool streets of the city.

I know for a fact that Abbie was not always such a bitch. When we were together all those years ago I remember her being a shy but sweet, loveable woman.

What happened?

Abbie can't still be bitter about our failed relationship…. can she? Yes, the breakup had been rough but that was so long ago it almost felt like another lifetime.

Is that the way I act around Alex? Am I bitter and angry all the time?

I have been so consumed with this deal I haven't had the time to think about anything else. I don't want to end up like Abbie, and I certainly don't want Alex to.

I was going to go home to get hammered but now I'm going back to Alex. Hopefully, I can salvage the rest of this disappointing night.

* * *

Alex was asleep by the time I made it back to the apartment. I slid underneath the covers wrapping an arm around her bare waist.

I immediately felt her stiffen, "Liv?" she asked tensely.

I placed a kiss against her neck, "Yes, it's me."

While Alex released the breath she had been holding in, she didn't exactly relax in my arms.

"You came back," Alex said dryly. "Casey wasn't home?"

"Alex, I'm not cheating on you with Casey or anyone else for that matter. I love you."

"How could you just leave me like that? You made me feel cheap and used."

I couldn't see Alex's face but the tone of her voice was unmistakable. Her feelings were hurt. If I had known the trip to Abbie's was a complete waste of time I would have stayed here with her all along.

"I'm sorry Lex. You know that I would never hurt you on purpose."

"I want to believe that but your behavior lately says different."

"Can we please move past this?" I practically whined. I didn't want to spend the rest of the night fighting again.

Alex finally rolled over to face me, "Not until we discuss a few things."

"What things?" I asked warily.

"The drinking-"she started.

Groan.

"- And I want you to tell me about your experience in hell."

Double groan.

"What do you want to know?" I mumbled grumpily staring up at the ceiling.

"What happened to you in hell?"

What happened to me in hell, Alex? The demons were very kind and gracious hosts. What do you think happened to me in hell? I was tortured!

Of course, I didn't repeat any of the sarcasm. I was already in enough trouble as it was. Instead, I told her the truth. I told her about Alistair and all his intricate little tortures refusing to spare any detail. I told her about demons and the hell hounds feasting on my flesh.

I felt surprisingly calm as I retold the events. Usually, when I even thought of hell I would become overwhelmed with fear. Now I didn't even need alcohol to numb me. The bedroom became silent as I gave her time to digest the horrors I had revealed.

"I don't want to lose you over this," she spoke softly. "I think that you should consider seeing a therapist to help cope with what happened. There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help."

"I'll consider it," I replied grudgingly.

"I could even come with you a few times," she suggested.

"Alex, I should probably tell you something." I held both of her hands in mine. "The next year is not going to be easy and maybe…maybe it would be better if you walked away now."

There I said it.

I can't exactly tell her the entire truth but at least she knows that there is something serious coming my way.

"Does this have anything to do with the conversation we had over the phone?"

"What conversation?"

"You told me to remember the night of Branch's retirement party and after four years I would have to live with it."

Triple groan.

"I can't believe you remembered that…."

"How could I forget?" Alex shrugged. "I know that you are hiding something serious but I just wished you trusted me enough to tell the truth."

"I just want to keep you safe from this. If something happened to you again…."

I couldn't even finish the thought without becoming overcome with fear and anger. If Alex was killed this whole thing would be for nothing. I would face hell for that to never happen again.

"Well, I'm not leaving you to face the big unknown alone and I won't let you push me away either. What else are girlfriends for?"

My heart fluttered slightly but I refused to get myself overjoyed on a slip of the tongue. "Girlfriend? I thought you said—"

Alex silenced me with a finger against my lips, "Shh…I know what I said but I really didn't mean it," she confessed. "I was just angry and a little insecure but I'm over that now. I want to be with you and only you, forever."

Does she know how long I have waited for her to say that? How could I say no?

There was only one small problem. I don't have 'forever' to give you Alex. I barely have a year left. I know someone who can help me though. She is my best chance, hell, my only chance: Abbie Carmichael.

I waited until Alex was asleep to make the phone call. After about half a dozen rings the sleepy voice of Abbie Carmichael answered, "This better be good, Benson."

I didn't waste time with small talk, "Let's do it."

There was a brief pause over the line "What changed your mind?"

"Alex." An even longer pause… "Abbie?"

"I'm here," she answered finally, "I need until the end of the week to gather supplies. After that, I will give you a crash course and then we can make a plan."

"Abbie, I just want you to know that I appreciate you trying to help me," I replied sheepishly. "When I told you about the deal you could have just pretended like I was crazy."

"Don't start getting all sentimental on me Benson," Abbie warned me seriously. "I have to go Serena is waking up."

Before I could respond she hung up. I checked to see if Alex was still asleep before closing my eyes and drifting off.

The next morning, I was late for work, extremely late. I guess I spent a little too much time in the shower with Alex.

Elliot was pissed and acted like a total prick for the entire day. I have officially had it up to here with all his smart little comments and strutting around like he owned the damn place. I ignored him as best as I could, counting the seconds when I could see Alex again.

By the end of the week I was in love with her all over again. It was almost the same as before the shooting occurred. We went out to dinner, late night movies, dancing and watched a Knicks game courtside.

We made love every night.

Things almost seemed like they were back to normal.

Almost.

* * *

On Friday, I took the day off of work with surprisingly no objections from Captain Cragen. He only told me to enjoy myself and to drink in moderation.

Whatever the hell that means.

I guess he thought that I was finally taking a break before I burned out.

I guess he was wrong.

If hunting demons with Abbie qualified as enjoying myself, I was going to have a blast.

After only a few short knocks, Abbie pulled me inside of her apartment and shut the door quickly. My eyes nearly popped out from the sockets as she sashayed towards the kitchen but I wasn't gawking at her perfect ass in tight jeans. No, I was staring at the dozen or so guns carefully laid out on the kitchen table.

Not only was there an assortment of guns but other weapons as well: knives, machetes…is that a grenade?

"You have quite an arsenal here," I said after the initial shock was over.

Abbie nodded fondly admiring a sawed-off shotgun, "These weapons belonged to my father."

"I thought that guns couldn't hurt or kill demons."

"A normal gun with regular ammo can't but these shotguns are loaded with salt rounds."

"Salt rounds?"

"Instead of gunpowder the shells are filled with rock salt. It's the only thing that can really hurt a demon besides exorcism," the Texan explained.

I examined one of the guns,"I met a hunter named Jo Harvelle and she told me about a special gun, one that could kill demons."

Abbie shook her head, "I've never heard of such a gun. We don't really have time to chase after fairy tales. Where is this hunter by the way?"

"Dead," I said bitterly.

"Demons were all once human beings with souls just like you and me. After years of torture in hell those souls become demons; twisted and pure evil."

I gulped, "You're saying that if I go to hell I will end up just like them?"

"Eventually…yes."

She continued, "Once a demon escapes from hell it has to possess a body to accomplish anything on earth. That's why a regular weapon won't work; you can only harm the physical body it's possessing not the demonic spirit. Besides, what weapon do you know can hurt a spirit?"

"None, "I muttered depressingly.

"Don't worry we might not be able to kill one but holy water and salt can hold a demon long enough for us to exorcise it."

"Speaking of exorcism: how are we supposed to do that?"

"We'll have to do a research on the subject. My exorcism knowledge is a little rusty but I have a few books still packed away in the back of my closet."

I stayed and admired the guns while Abbie went to her room to find the books. She dumped a stack of books in the center of the table. I silently took one and flipped open the dusty pages. There were few pictures, mostly of just strange symbols. The rest of the book was filled with the history of demons, prayers and exorcisms written in mostly Latin. After about an hour of dull reading, I thought I finally found something.

"How is your Latin?" I asked sarcastically passing the text to Abbie.

Her eyes scanned over the page for a moment before reciting: **_Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis, adversarii,omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta , draco tuam securi tibi facias libertate servire,te rogamus, audi nos!"_**

_I frowned, "What the hell does that mean?"_

_She read more aloud from the text: "_ **We exorcise you, every impure spirit, every satanic power, every incursion of the infernal adversary, every legion, every congregation and diabolical sect. Therefore, cursed demon. You may make your Church safe to serve you freely, we ask** **_you, hear us!"_**

"How do we know it will work?"

Abbie sighed, "We really won't know until we test it out on a demon."

"Great all we have to do is find a demon."

"We can summon one after we find the right ritual."

A feeling of uneasiness washed over me, "That sounds really dangerous Abbie."

"Don't chicken out on me now, Benson!" Abbie countered shooting daggers, "You want to live? This is the only way."

"Fine," I muttered.

Abbie went back to reading and I grabbed another book from the pile. Another hour passed and I was ready to clear the table with one violent sweep. All this shit was just too hard! I needed a drink and I needed it now!

"Abbie…" I asked reluctantly.

She glanced up from the book she was reading, "What?"

I coughed, "Do you have any scotch?"

Her eyes narrowed, "Are you kidding me?"

"Does it look like I'm kidding?" I shot back.

We locked into a death stare before Abbie finally looked away. "In the cabinet underneath the sink," she mumbled.

I drank until I felt that familiar comforting buzz and sighed in relief.

Now I'm ready.

I can face this. I can do it.

"Benson, are you coming back?" Abbie called into the kitchen.

I can do this…

* * *

_A few weeks later…._

I don't know how I managed to keep a hold of my anger for this long. Red stains every angle of my vision and not even alcohol could soothe me now.

Alex…

This is all her fault.

Stupid Alex…

Selfish, inconsiderate, backstabbing Alex….

She's leaving me…again.

Long story short, a particularly taxing case came to us involving an African woman who witnessed a rape in her building. Although, the victim died the rapist was somewhat brought to justice for his crimes. That was only the beginning of the story; Nardalee, the witness, was a victim of rape herself.

No, not just rape….

Torture was more like it….

She was subjected to years of sexual abuse, living in constant fear, always wondering if the next day would be her last.

Despite everything she was brave enough to go back into the Congo warzone to help fight for the countless women sharing her same circumstances.

Nardalee was a brave woman.

There was only one problem; Alex was going with her.

Standing on those steps outside of the courtroom, listening to Alex tell us that she was going to Africa to help the women in Nardalee's circumstances hurt worse than hell.

Brave Alex…

I have about eleven months left to live. Abbie and I are working as fast as we can but nothing we do has worked so far. We haven't even been able to summon a demon yet…

It hurts because I know there is a strong possibility this will be the last time I see get to Alex…

What am I supposed to do?

Just like that the red fades and I can breathe again. Maybe it's better if Alex does go. That way she won't have to see my mutilated body chewed up and spit out by some hell hound.

That doesn't stop it from hurting….

I literally dragged myself inside my apartment. I'm not even drunk. My limbs just feel so heavy that I can hardly stand. I felt the world on my shoulders and my knees slowly giving out beneath me.

I just want to fall face first on the couch and sleep forever…

Unfortunately, Alex had other ideas. She was waiting inside the apartment, probably expecting me to come home drunk. I love her dearly but she is the last person I want to see right now. I just want to sleep. I need sleep.

"Where have you been? I tried to call your phone all day."

"I smashed it."

She sighed, "Liv, we need to talk."

"Alex, I'm tired," I said wearily, "We can talk tomorrow."

"This can't wait until tomorrow."

Fine, if she wants to have this out tonight we can. I am just too tired to not argue about not arguing. I plopped down in the chair across from her and waited for her to spark the conversation.

"I'm sorry you had to find out that way, in front of Elliot. I just felt so strongly about this that I went for it."

I stayed quiet.

"I love you and I'm still committed to you, to us-"

I stayed quiet.

"Liv, do you trust me?"

I stayed quiet.

"It's only for about a year. I'm coming back to you…"

I stayed quiet.

"Liv, just say something…. say anything." Alex pleaded.

I spoke…

"I trust you."

She failed to hide her surprise. "You're not angry?"

I shook my head and even managed to smile. "I only have one question to ask."

"Ask me anything."

I couldn't help myself, "Can I expect an invitation to your wedding in person or by mail this time?"

Her ice blue eyes narrowed, "That depends."

I started this little game but I really had no attention of playing. I stood up slowly shaking my head, "It doesn't matter, just come to bed."

I could almost feel my bed when Alex called out to me again. I pressed my forehead against the doorframe in pure exhaustion before turning to face her.

"Yes, Alex?"

"Will you marry me?"

TBC


	7. Eleven Months Left

**A Deal to Die For**

Chapter 7: Eleven Months Left….

"W…What?" I stuttered all traces of the crippling fatigue I felt earlier instantly disappeared. Alex held a small, opened box in her hand. Inside the box was the most beautiful diamond ring I ever laid eyes on. It was the type of ring that you would be cautious about wearing out every day even with a gun and badge.

"You heard me right." Alex smiled, "I know that this is rather sudden but it feels right."

Tears brimmed inside my eyes. I couldn't decide if they were from overwhelming joy or despair, "…I don't know what to say."

"Say yes," the blonde suggested.

I wiped my eyes on the back of my sleeve. I didn't want to come right out and say no, but a part of me felt like I should try to talk her out of it.

"Alex, have you thought this through?"

Her face fell a little. I'm sure that she was expecting a different answer from me.

"Yes, I have," she said curtly.

"What about your political ambitions?"

Her eyes narrowed, "Since when do you care, Olivia? I have already said that I am committed to you. I want to take our relationship to the next level. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. "

I almost tear up again but I somehow pull it back together. "I just don't want you changing your mind again once you decide to become District Attorney."

"Do you think that I would just abandon you?"

" _You did once before,"_ the angry voice in the back of my mind reminded.

I didn't answer the question right away and I realize how that may have looked to her. The only thing keeping me from saying yes is the fact that I only have eleven months before I am dragged to hell for all eternity.

What am I supposed to do?

I can't let this deal put my life on hold any more than it already has. It won't be easy but I have to keep on going as if I have my whole life to look forward to.

All I know is that Abbie better have a plan… because I'm getting married.

"Yes." I replied.

Alex jumped up from her chair furiously, "How can you think that I would do that?"

"Alex, I didn't mean…."

"If you don't trust me enough to stay by your side then I guess there is no need to for us to continue this relationship." Alex cut in indignantly.

"I meant yes, I'll marry you." I whispered.

"…Oh."

"But only on one condition," I added crossing my arms. "You have to get down on one knee and ask me properly like I did before."

Alex, wearing a thousand-dollar power suit and heels, lowered herself onto the ground and held up the ring, "Will you marry me?"

I pretended to think about it, "Well…."

"Liv!"

"Yes, I'll marry you," I laughed quickly sweeping her up.

Abbie, please have a plan….

* * *

Abbie, or my savior as I liked to call her now, indeed had a plan.

"This better work or we just wasted an entire month chasing our own fucking tail," Abbie Carmichael spat as she was mixing ingredients into a large clay bowl.

"I'm running out of time," I said solemnly loading a shot gun full of salt rounds. If we did manage to summon a demon, I would be ready for the evil son of a bitch.

My eyes wandered to the engagement ring glistening on my finger. I still can't believe it. If it weren't for this deal, Alex's proposal would have been one of the happiest moments of my life.

"Bout' time Cabot decided to make an honest woman out of you." I looked up to see Abbie grinning towards me. I couldn't help but grin back at her.

Abbie and I managed to find an abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn to perform the ritual. The building was condemned but perfect for not calling attention to ourselves.

Seven lit, black candles were placed on top of a rotting wooden table to begin the summoning. Using the book as a reference, Abbie used chalk to draw a circle around each of the candles and lines to connect them together.

"I have to use blood for it to work." Abbie grimaced picking up a sharp blade from the table.

"Let me do that." I replied gently placing my hand on top of hers. We locked eyes for a moment before I took the blade and slid it across my own hand. I squeezed my palm and thick, dark droplets of blood dripped into the bowl.

"Et ad congregandum; Eos coram me," Abbie recited from the spell book. She struck a wooden match and threw it inside the mixing bowl. I held my breath.

Nothing happened.

There was no demon in sight.

"I don't understand what went wrong," Abbie groaned. "I did everything according to the book; it should have worked."

"Maybe we didn't use enough blood?" I suggested feebly.

"-Or maybe-," a strange voice interrupted. "-You forgot to say please."

Abbie and I both spun at the same time to see a dark-haired man standing just inside the entrance to the warehouse. He grinned and revealed his true pure black eyes.

I grabbed the shotgun and aimed at the evil bastard. To my surprise, the demon waved his hand and the gun flew from my grasp.

I cursed and dived for the weapon as the demon closed in on us. I reached the gun just in time to receive a sharp kick to my ribs knocking the wind from me.

With amazing strength, the creature lifted me up by the collar of my leather and flung me across the warehouse. I landed painfully on my shoulder and nearly lost consciousness.

"I'm getting too old for this shit," I mumbled scrambling to my feet.

My shoulder was on fire and I knew for a fact that it was dislocated. With no time to rest I took a flask of holy water from inside my jacket and ran back to the action.

Abbie was surprisingly holding her own against the demon. Although, he was bigger and stronger than the Texan; Abbie was more agile and skilled.

I watched in awe as she swiftly dodged his brutish swings. Abbie dropped to the ground sweeping the demon off it's feet.

Unfazed the demon quickly got back up again and grinned, "You're a tough little bitch to beat. I'll make sure to rip your heart out extra slow."

"Go straight back to hell," Abbie snapped.

I rushed the demon from behind and managed to tackle him to the ground again. I poured some of the holy water on the demon's face and down his throat.

The demon let out an agonizing scream as his face smoked. He shoved me hard with both palms sending me flying directly colliding into Abbie.

Abbie moaned as she landed hard beneath me. I could barely find the strength to roll off her.

We were in over our heads and probably going to die.

Abbie struggled to her feet, a deep gash now sprayed across her forehead. I heard her desperately begin reciting the exorcism chant, "Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas-"

The demon flinched violently and Abbie's knife flew to his hand from the table, "You'll die before I go back to hell bitch!"

He lunged towards her with the knife.

"NO!" I screamed furiously. There was no fucking way I would let her die.

What was I supposed to tell Serena?

I wasn't about to find out.

I scrambled to my feet and dived between Abbie and the demon. I saw Abbie's eyes widen as he slashed my back instead of her throat with the knife. The blade ripped through my leather jacket cutting in between my shoulder blades.

"…Olivia." Abbie whispered my name in shock.

With no time to talk I splashed the last of the holy water over my shoulder and attacked before he had the chance to recover. I tackled him to the ground and struck repeatedly until he lost consciousness.

Exhausted, I rolled off the sleeping demon onto the floor beside him.

"Olivia, you have to get up!" Abbie urged me. "We have to tie this son of a bitch before he wakes up."

Abbie grabbed a piece of chalk and drew a large pentagon surrounded by a circle with strange symbols on the floor. We managed to lug the heavy bastard into a chair inside of the circle and tied him up. I used some duct tape to cover his mouth.

I can't believe we did it….

We finally managed to trap a demon and it almost killed us.

"We can't go to any hospitals," I sighed. "They'll ask too many questions."

"I have a first aid kit at my house, come on."

Abbie hooked an arm under my shoulder and helped me to her car. My back was burning with pain; I could feel the blood oozing and soaking through my clothing.

"That was reckless," Abbie's stern voice filled the comfortable silence. "You would have gone straight to hell."

"I know that," I replied staring out of her window as she weaved in and out of traffic. "But I wasn't going to be the one to tell Serena that you were dead."

"Liv-"

"Since when do you call me Liv?" I mocked her playfully. "Don't start getting all sentimental on me, Carmichael."

"I'm serious, Benson," Abbie said sternly. "You have got to stop sacrificing yourself."

"You're lecturing me now? It almost sounds like you care."

Abbie scoffed but she didn't say anything else for the rest of the trip.

* * *

"Take off your shirt," Abbie commanded once we were safely inside her apartment behind a line of salt at the door.

I carefully removed my favorite ruined jacket and the shirt underneath. Abbie examined my back carefully before she went into the kitchen and brought back the first aid kit. I noticed that she carried a bottle of scotch with her as well.

"You might want this because your back needs stitches."

"I think that I dislocated my shoulder too." I sighed.

"I'll have to pop it back in place." Abbie replied.

I closed my eyes waiting for the inevitable white-hot pain of my joint being put back in its place but it didn't come. Instead, I felt smooth slender fingers trace my jawline. Not long after, soft lips pressed against mine.

I froze. I didn't exactly respond to the kiss but I didn't move away either. An eternity passed and she pulled away from me.

I finally opened my eyes, "Abbie…what was—"

I was cut off by a burst of pain as she popped my shoulder back in place. I gritted my teeth and then took a swig from the scotch bottle.

"I'll get the needle and thread."

"Bitch," I muttered loud enough to be heard but smiled as she turned away.

I wonder what that kiss was all about? Was it a thank you for saving her life?

I didn't have too much time to contemplate the hidden meaning when Abbie began to painstakingly stitch my back together.

My eyes watered as I grabbed the chair in a white knuckled grip. A half an hour later she was done and I was sore as hell. She bandaged the wound carefully and I collapsed face forward on her couch.

"This night is not over with," Abbie explained. "We have to go back to the warehouse, interrogate that demon and find out which one has your soul. Are you feeling up to it?"

I groaned but pried myself off the couch, "Let's go."

Tools needed to properly torture a demon: salt, holy water, exorcism spells and a bottle of scotch (for me). My back was so stiffened and burning with pain that I could barely hold myself up.

The pentagon that Abbie drew binding the demon was known as a Devil's Trap. It was a pretty handy tool to use. Not only did it bind the evil son of a bitch's powers, it also restricted its movements as well.

The demon possessed a dark haired handsome young man in his late twenties. I felt bad for the poor kid and all of the people I have dragged into this mess. While the demon was still snoozing, Abbie gave it a holy water bath to wake up.

After his screams subsided, I ripped the duct tape off his mouth. The demon glared up at Abbie and me behind coal black eyes, "Dykes."

I wasn't in the mood to trade insults. I backhanded him hard across the face. "I'll just skip right to the point. I want to know the name of the demon that holds my soul and I want it now."

The smug bastard smirked, "You forgot to say please again."

Abbie splashed more holy water, "Please."

"I won't tell you anything."

My jaw clenched, "We'll see about that."

I picked up a box of salt and gestured towards Abbie, "Hold his head back and open his mouth."

The demon shook his head and yelled frantically, "Wait…what are you doing? No…No…No…argghhh!"

Abbie obeyed and held the demon's head while I poured salt into its mouth. "I can do this all night. Tell me who holds my deal."

The demon coughed blood and sniggered towards me, "I know who you are bitch."

"What do you know scum?"

"You were some kind of hero cop on the path way to _heaven_ but you decided to throw it all away for _love._ Now, you're on the way to hell and we can't wait to have you back downstairs."

Abbie looked towards me, "Back?"

"That's right she already experienced hell. She was _trained_ by the grand torturer himself, Alistair. He even bragged about her. Most people break on the first day but he tortured her for weeks with no avail. She's so _fucking_ special to him."

"Why didn't you tell me all of this?" Abbie snapped.

"The same way you told me about what happened to your father?" I countered irritably.

We glared at each other until the demon's hysterical laughter brought us back to the situation at hand. I grabbed Abbie's knife and covered it with holy water and salt.

"Abbie, leave me alone with this freak," I spoke softly in a tone that felt unfamiliar to me. My voice sounded dead. Inhuman almost.

"Don't forget that demon is still inside a person," Abbie said cautiously.

"I won't forget. Trust me."

Abbie walked away leaving the demon and I alone. The truth was that the human being possessed was already dead. While we were tying him up I noticed that his arms were covered with needle marks and that he had no heartbeat. I assumed that the young man was dead and the demon was just possessing a corpse.

I could be wrong…

I brought the knife to his throat and cut a small but deep slit. The wound began to sizzle and smoke because of the holy water.

"I wasn't in hell very long but I did learn a few things from Alistair," I told the demon calmly lowering the knife, "Now, tell me when it hurts."

The whole thing took precisely twenty minutes.

I managed to find a sink to wash the blood from my hands with the remaining holy water.

I stared in the mirror above the sink and I barely recognized myself. I tortured a demon and now I was washing blood off my hands as if it were nothing. There was no warmth in my eyes.

"Did you find out the name of the demon?" Abbie's raspy voice inquired.

I wondered how long she had been standing there. "A demon named Amy, go figure. I don't trust the evil bastard though. We can keep him here until we find out if she actually holds my contract."

"Do you want to talk about it, hell I mean?"

"Not really." I mumbled drying my hands.

"When is Cabot leaving?" she asked.

My spirits fell even lower if that was possible, "In two weeks."

Abbie nodded silently, "I'll do more research on this Amy character and then we can come up with a plan that doesn't include being thrown around the warehouse."

I smirked, "Sounds good."

"Come on, I'll take you home."

Abbie promised to call as soon as she found any information on the new demon. I leaned over to the driver's seat to give her a kiss on the cheek before we parted ways. My tired and battered body moved on its own accord to the mediocre apartment I rented upstairs.

My fucking back was killing me. The next time a demon lunges at someone else with a knife they had better think fast because I won't be jumping in the way again.

When I get inside I immediately know that Alex is here waiting for me. I swear that woman leaves every light in the apartment on when I'm not here.

Maybe I can crawl into bed without giving her an explanation as to where I have been all night. I'm already thinking of a few reasonable lies to tell and I hate myself for it.

I carefully peeled off my jacket and threw it over the couch. I considered sneaking in the kitchen for a quick drink but headed for the shower instead.

I tied a robe around myself and entered the bedroom to find a beautiful blonde waiting for me. Alex crawled to the foot of my bed to greet me wearing a very sexy piece of lingerie. Too bad she wouldn't be wearing it for long.

The first thing she did was throw her arms around me.

I fought down a cringe and forced a smile as my back exploded with pain. My hands wandered down her body while my lips planted rough kisses on her neck. After the night, I've had there is no way that I could resist this gorgeous woman in front of me.

Back pain be damned….

* * *

Afterwards, I settled into a restless sleep.

_I dreamed of Casey Novak._

_We were supposed to be meeting for coffee at our 'spot' but I was running late. When I arrived, the coffee shop was bustling with customers but to my surprise the door was locked. I pounded hard on the glass but everyone completely ignored me. No one even looked my way._

_I saw Casey sitting by herself at a table in the middle of the shop. Her face was pale and her hair was the color of fire. Casey looked up at me smiling sadly but she didn't move to open the door. I tried punching, kicking and even shooting the glass but all my efforts failed._

_When the patrons of the shop turned to finally acknowledge me, their eyes were pure black. They were all demons. I screamed as the customers surrounded Casey whose pale skin was now almost translucent. As the demons closed in on her she gazed at me one last time before the room suddenly filled with bright, hot light. The glass door as well as the building exploded from the intensity and I was thrown across the street._

_I scrambled to my feet only to be blinded by the bright light that seemed to encompass everything. Not only had the building leveled but also the entire block from as far as I could see. Not that I could see much. The light was so bright and hot that I had to protect my eyes._

" _Olivia, help me!" I heard her scream._

_Fuck this. I uncovered my eyes._

_Big mistake._

_The last thing I saw before waking up was the light about to consume me._

I sprang up too fast causing my back to spasm with pain. That dream was nothing like the other nightmares of hell but why did I feel so much fear. What did Casey have to do with the whole thing? Did this have anything to do with the last time I saw her?

I slowly lowered myself back down careful not to wake Alex up. I didn't even try to close my eyes because I knew sleep wouldn't come.

An hour or so passed and all I can do is watch her sleep. I can't believe that she still wants me let alone to get married. Even after hell, my drinking and arguments she still loves me. We decided to get married when she gets back from Africa in about a year; if I can manage to break this deal.

With only eleven months left I can't take that chance. If I die then I want Alex to be my wife before that happens.

If I do end up dying at least I can be happy.

I can practically feel her unwavering eyes on me. I am making breakfast for us in the kitchen and Liv is leaning against the counter watching me. I must admit that I am rather turned on but I know she is thinking about something besides my ass.

"Do you know how sexy you are in the kitchen?" Liv smirked.

I tossed her a flirty smile over my shoulder, "I've been told that a few times."

She stood behind me wrapping her arms tightly around my waist. I sighed as her lips touch the part of neck that made my whole-body shiver. "You have to stop holding me like this or you are going to be late for work again."

"You know that I love you more than anything right?" she whispered next to my ear.

While Liv was talking her hands were slowly inching inside of my robe. I swallowed hard and nodded not trusting my own voice at the moment. At one end, I don't want her to be late for work again; on the other end I don't give a damn. We have less than two weeks together before I fly halfway across the world. I want to enjoy it dammit!

"I was thinking that maybe you could take a few days off before I leave." I suggested.

"And I was thinking that you should marry me before you go and we could spend the rest of the time on our honeymoon."

I laughed. It wasn't until Olivia let go of my waist and walked out of the kitchen that I knew she was serious.

I didn't go after her right away. I stood in the kitchen for a few moments watching the food scorch trying to gather my thoughts. I turned off the stove and followed her back into the bedroom.

"I didn't say no, Liv."

Olivia snorted, "No, you laughed. That's even worse."

I almost threw up my hands in frustration, "I laughed because I thought you were joking. I leave in two weeks. Do you honestly think we can plan a wedding by then?"

"Who said anything about a wedding?" Olivia said evenly. "I don't give a damn about putting on a big show for your uncle's friends. You are the only one I care about."

"What about Elliot? He would want to see you get married."

"What part of 'I don't care' didn't you understand? Sure, we're still partners at work but that's about it. We barely even talk now. He is mean and sometimes outright hateful. He doesn't give a damn about me anymore and I haven't had the time to care."

I shook my head in disbelief. Who is this woman standing in front of me to say such a thing?

"Elliot loves you."

Olivia took both of my hands, "I love _you_ , Alex. Listen to me baby; I've been waiting for this moment my entire life. I don't need a year from now to decide when to marry you. I'm ready right now."

"We can't get married right now-," I replied. Olivia's face fell until I added "—But how does tomorrow night sound?"

A brilliant smile covered her face and I felt as though I was looking at different person. How long has it been since I've seen her smile like that?

"That sounds perfect."

I couldn't contain myself any longer; I squealed like a teenage girl and jumped into her waiting arms. We're getting married tomorrow!

* * *

Ask Alex to marry me before she leaves for Africa, check. Tell Elliot and the rest of the squad, in progress.

I wasn't lying to Alex about being on the rocks with Elliot. Don't get me wrong, I still loved him like a brother but things weren't the same. We both obviously have our own problems. The only difference is that I handle my problems by drinking and hunting monsters and Elliot handles his by being a complete asshole.

Maybe we can find a balance.

When Alex dropped me off at work I found Elliot sitting moodily at his desk munching on a greasy breakfast sandwich. Both of his sleeves were rolled up uncovering the tattoos on his forearms.

"We need to talk." I mumbled.

He looked up at me raising an eyebrow, "So talk."

"Not here." I motioned towards the interrogation room. "In there."

He finished the last bite of his breakfast before following me. He crossed his arms once were inside, "What is this?"

Instead of trying to break the ice easily, I just winged it and hoped for the best. "Alex and I are getting married tomorrow. I was hoping that you would stand with me as the best man. What do you say?"

The conversation went downhill from there. Instead of congratulating me and promising to be there on my big day he frowned at me.

"Really? Is _Alexandra_ the best you can do?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Do you remember those nights I had to pick you up off the bar floor because of her? Are you sure she's the one you want to marry?"

"I made those choices, not her. Why are you bringing up the past?"

"She was the one who drove you to make those choices. You're making a big mistake if you go through with this." Elliot argued clenching his fist. "Now you want me to stand next to you while you hammer the last nail in your own coffin? I don't think so."

"I'm just asking you to be there for me, Elliot."

He scoffed, "Sorry, I'll have to pass. Enjoy being someone's dirty little secret for the rest of your life."

To my credit I didn't shed any tears in front of him. Sure, he has said some hateful things in the past but never to this extent.

"Fine, you don't have to." I said hiding the pain from my voice.

Why did I waste my time? When did it come to this?

Elliot didn't seem to notice. He was already walking out, "Thanks for the little chat. Now, if you're done we have work to do."

I glared at his back kicking a chair out of my way. "Right behind you, _partner._ "

At least the rest of the guys were a lot more congratulatory. Fin clapped me hard on the back; Munch smirked making a sly joke about the honey moon; Captain Cragen smiled and told me to take a few days off.

I tried not to think **_too_** hard about Elliot.

There was only one person left to tell, Abbie.

I called her after work to check on the status of our case and to tell her about Alex.

"The demon is fine. I went to the warehouse early this morning to check on him. All of the bindings were still in place," Abbie told me.

I frowned, "I don't want you going there alone, Abbie. It's way too dangerous."

"It almost sounds like you care."

I thought for a moment, "Drop the tough act, alright? From now on let's agree that we care for one another. Things will be a lot less awkward between us."

I could tell by the sound of her voice that she was smiling. "Fine."

"Listen, what are you doing tomorrow night?" I asked.

"I was going to look through a few of my father's books to see if I can find anything on this demon. There must be hundreds of thousands of them, though. I doubt that I will find anything specific, unless she is extremely powerful."

"Well she had to be in order to bring back the dead, right?"

"Yes, but not as powerful as you might think. A demon can't resurrect a human being unless a deal is made. In other words, she used your soul as a bargain chip for Alex's." Abbie explained carefully.

"Well forget about that for now. Alex and I decided to get married tomorrow night and I want you to be there."

The line grew quiet, "Are you sure that's wise? We're supposed to hate each other, remember? Wouldn't that look strange if I showed up?"

"I'll take care of that. Will you come?"

I really didn't have a plan but for some reason I wanted her there. Abbie has been more of a partner to me now then Elliot has in the last few months.

"Name the time and the place. I'll be there." Abbie said quickly.

She hung up.

I stared at the phone for a moment before I stuffed it in my pocket and entered my apartment. I heard the shower running in the bathroom. I decided not to tell Alex about my conversation with Elliot. There was no need for us both to be upset.

I grabbed a beer from the fridge ready for a nice relaxing evening with the woman I loved. Unfortunately for me Alex had other plans that included me wearing a dress.

I froze as I entered the bedroom and noticed two dresses still covered with plastic carefully lying across the bed. If I am quiet I can sneak away without Alex ever knowing that I came home.

Just as the idea finished forming in my head the shower stopped running and I was too late. Alex came into the bedroom wearing a towel wrapped around her nude body.

"There you are. I was just about to call you." Alex gave me a quick peck on the lips and took the beer from my hand. "Not tonight, Liv. We have plans."

"We do?" I whined flopping down on the bed. "Can't we just stay in tonight?"

"No, I made reservations with Serena Southerlyn to have dinner at this new French restaurant that just opened a few months ago."

"Do I have to go?" I asked hopefully. "You and Serena obviously need some catching up time alone."

"It won't just be Serena and I. Once I told her that you would be coming she insisted on bringing that hateful bitch, Abbie Carmichael."

I tried hard to suppress a grin. Now that Abbie is coming I won't be completely bored out of my mind. Maybe I won't need an excuse to let her come to our wedding.

Alex raised an eyebrow, "You don't seem too upset."

I shrugged and picked up one of the dresses scrunching my nose. "I hope you don't expect me to wear one of these."

"That dress is beautiful and it cost me nearly two thousand dollars. You're wearing it even if I have to put it on you myself."

My mouth dropped open, "You paid two thousand dollars for a damn dress? My car isn't even worth two thousand anymore. I thought we already discussed that I don't like you spending money on me like this."

Alex rolled her eyes, "Just take a shower and get dressed. You have precisely one hour to be ready."

"I'll be ready in twenty," I grumbled heading for the shower.

Forty-five minutes later I was wrapped inside a form fitting black dress and a pair of uncomfortable heels. I don't how Alex can wear these damned things daily. We haven't even left the apartment yet and my feet are killing me. Although, I must admit that I do look pretty hot. I guess all those hours in the gym paid off. When Alex wasn't looking, I loaded my 9mm and stuck it in my purse of the night. You can just never be too careful in New York.

Speaking of Alex, she was beyond gorgeous. Tight red dress, black designer heels, long legs that could go on for days, an ass to die for, the perfect amount of cleavage showing. I could probably go on all night.

We took Alex's car, a fucking Lamborghini, to the restaurant. I always knew that she was wealthy but tonight I'm really beginning to wonder.

Alex handed her keys to the valet, a man in his early twenties who looked like he was one more felony away from prison time. I quickly grabbed his hand holding the keys and gave him a look reserved for hardened criminals.

"Whatever you do to that car I'm going to do to you. Got it?" I growled.

"Yes ma'am," he gulped.

I dropped his hand and watched until he drove off at a respectable speed.

When I turned around Alex was practically beaming at me. "Did I ever mention how much I love you?"

I smirked and clasped hands with her as we entered the restaurant together.

"Bonne soirée mes dames," replied the host giving our entwined hands a curious glance. "Do you have a reservation?"

"Cabot," Alex responded coldly. I felt her grasp my hand even tighter.

His eyes scanned the guest book and widened slightly. He gave Alex a tight, nervous smile before leading us to our table.

I pulled Alex's chair out for her and took a seat. What I wouldn't do for a glass of scotch at this moment. We didn't have to wait long for Serena and Abbie to come. The other blonde woman was strikingly beautiful but nowhere close to Alex in my eyes. She was wearing a light blue strapless dress with diamond earrings.

Alex stood up and greeted her old friend with a light kiss on both cheeks. Meanwhile, I couldn't help but stare at Abbie for a few moments; while she couldn't seem to take her eyes off me. After months of seeing her in only casual clothing it felt strange but slightly pleasant to see her dressed up. Abbie also wore a black dress that seemed to be like a second skin but also completely tasteful. Her dark silky hair was pulled back giving her face a softer appearance than what I was used to seeing.

She smirked mischievously at me, "Benson."

I grinned back and offered her a chair, "Carmichael."

Alex gave me a heated look from across the table. I ignored her and opened the menu, most specifically the wine section. While I'm not a big wine enthusiast, I do enjoy a glass of red on special occasions.

"You should try the Chateau Léoville Poyferré. I think you'll like it."

I scanned the wine section to find the brand Abbie suggested. I frowned at the price tag of 200 dollars. I refuse to spend that kind of money on expensive urine.

"Don't worry about it." Abbie grinned as if reading my thoughts, "Just consider it as a wedding gift from Serena and I."

I noticed that Alex's gaze wandered over to Abbie almost suspiciously while the Texan flipped through her menu.

Without even having to look up from her menu, Abbie asked calmly, "Is there a problem, Cabot?"

Man, was she good.

Sometimes, I felt as though I dated a stranger all those years ago. Abbie has always been smart and resourceful but hunting the demon who owns my soul has revealed a completely different set of attributes. She is fierce, intuitive, loyal, and fearless to the point of being reckless at times. She possessed all the traits of a hunter; at least from what I could tell by my short time with Jo Harvelle.

"Abbie, behave yourself." Serena warned her girlfriend.

Thankfully, the waitress came to take our drink orders before Alex could respond. After she left, Abbie quickly changed the subject to avoid any more confrontation between the two women.

"So, from now on will be Benson-Cabot?" she teased.

I sent Abbie a warning glare that said, 'don't start.' I care about her well-being and all, but she can be a total bitch when she wants to.

"We haven't really discussed that. Either way is fine with me. My mother's name pretty much dies with me no matter what route I take."

"Serena was actually a sweet woman. When she wasn't under the table, that is."

I would have been outraged by Abbie's comment if she wasn't telling the truth. Instead of lashing out, I poured a glass of wine and thought of the woman my mother could have become if fate was just a little kinder.

When the waitress returned Alex kindly ordered me a rack of lamb with baked potato, braised lettuce and tomato confit in damn good French. I was already on my second glass of wine by the time dinner was finally served.

"Have you decided where to have the ceremony yet?" asked Serena. "My family owns a beach house in the Hamptons that you could use."

"That would be wonderful, Serena."

Well, it's a hell of a lot better than some sleazy chapel wedding for sure. Too bad I'm not rich. I could afford to give Alex all the nice things she's used to having.

Although, giving her life again wasn't such a bad gesture either.

"Say Benson. What are you doing on your last night as a free woman?"

I looked suggestively towards Alex and back to Abbie. Did that answer your question Carmichael?

Abbie rolled her eyes, "Come on, save that for the honey moon. How about you and I celebrate; while Rena and Cabot can do the same? It would sort of be like a bachelorette party."

"Where would we go?"

Abbie smacked her hand down on the table gaining us a few wary glances from the other guests. "Do you remember _Throb_?"

I racked my brain before the answer finally hit me, "That lesbian club we ended up meeting at on Park Slope? Is it still open after all these years?"

"Hell yeah, it's still open. Do you want to check it out?"

I was all over the idea. It's not like Abbie and I ever do anything besides hunt monsters together. This could actually be fun.

"Given the track record between the two of you, I don't think that will be such a good idea." Alex's less than pleased sounding voice interrupted.

"Oh, don't worry about it Cabot, I'll bring your fiancée back in one piece." Abbie reassured her.

"Let me rephrase that: I don't want her anywhere near you alone." It was obviously too late to do damage control. Alex and Abbie were nearly circling each other like vultures.

"Don't you trust you her?" Abbie growled.

"You are the one I don't trust." Alex said calmly, "I believe that you still harbor feelings for Olivia."

I nearly choked as I watched the quiet argument unfold in front of me. It almost sounded like Alex was jealous over Abbie.

"Serena, what do you have to say? Tell Cabot that she's being irrational." Abbie replied impatiently.

"I can't do that Abbie, because I agree with her." Serena said quietly.

I groaned and filled my glass up again. This night was turning out to be a total disaster. I scanned the restaurant to see if our waitress was anywhere nearby.

"Since when, Serena? Why are you just bringing this up now?"

"You can act like a totally different person whenever Olivia comes around." Serena explained.

Abbie leaned forward in the chair folding her hands. She smiled but the gesture immediately turned into cold fury, "Sometimes, I think that your memory lapses, Serena. As a matter of fact, the two of you seem to regularly forget that we've known each other since college. Given your history with Alex, don't you think that you are being just a tad bit hypocritical?"

The table immediately grew silent and I sighed inwardly. Now, maybe there won't be any more of these ridiculous unrequited love accusations.

Wait a minute. Did she just say Serena has history with Alex?

"What the hell does that mean?" I snapped. "What history?"

Abbie looked like a deer caught in headlights. Her eyes searched mine, "You mean…you didn't know?"

"Didn't know what?" I demanded.

The Texan shook her head, "I shouldn't…."

"Olivia, just let me explain…."

I cut Alex off with a hand and offered my other one to Abbie, "If you tell me right now I'll forget about all that stuff from Branch's party. You will forever have my friendship and loyalty."

Without much hesitation, Abbie placed her hand inside of mine. If I was thinking more clearly, I would have accepted that Alex's suspicions may have merit.

I picked up the wine glass and braced myself, "Tell me."

"Alex and Serena dated while we were at Harvard. "

My heart pounded again my chest. I took a sip a wine to calm myself down, "Was it serious?"

Abbie cleared her throat, "I can't give you every detail because I didn't witness them all. All I know is that…they were engaged at one point in time. It ended mutually when they decided that it would be better for their careers to break things off but remain good friends."

When Abbie stopped talking I felt something cold in my palm. The glass had shattered in my hand. Red wine trickled down my wrist like blood.

"Will you excuse me?" I let the broken glass drop on the table and walked out.

I managed to hail a cab on the busy street before someone grabbed my arm. I know without looking that it's Alex.

"I should have told you. I'm sorry."

"I still love you, Alex. I just can't stand to look at you right now."

And I didn't….

* * *

I called Olivia's phone several times but she refused to answer. Eventually, every call went directly to voicemail. I am so screwed.

There are many people who I dislike but I rarely reach the point of hatred. Abbie Carmichael was now on the short list of people I hated. That woman has done nothing but cause me problems in my relationship from the very beginning. Why can't she just leave us the hell alone? I know that she still loves Olivia; why else would she act the way that she does?

I just hope I can fix the mess that she has caused. I hope that Olivia will still want to marry me tomorrow; or more accurately, today.

I almost drifted off to sleep when I heard her coming through the front door. A few minutes later she came into the bedroom with her heels tucked under her arm.

"Where in the hell have you been?" I demanded forgetting that she was one who should be angry with me.

"Abbie and I went to _Throb_ , just like we planned," Olivia said rebelliously.

"I forbid you to ever associate with that evil woman again!"

"After tonight you can't forbid me to do a damn thing. That includes Abbie, Casey or any of my other exes for that matter."

"Serena and I had a relationship years ago. You would use any excuse to contact Casey again, won't you?"

"Don't put this back on me! The point is that when I went to meet Casey for coffee you flipped out! Meanwhile, you've been doing the same thing with Serena for years without me knowing!" Olivia screamed. "For God's sake Alex, she has been in my fucking house!'

"Why can't you see that Carmichael has done nothing but try to come between us from the very beginning?" I asked dumbfounded that Olivia was once again letting her anger blind her. "How can you even stand to sit next to her after what she did to you at Branch's party?"

Olivia stepped literally within inches of my face. Her eyes were icy and bloodshot. For the first time in ten years, throughout the triumphs and fails of our turbulent relationship, this is the only time that I have ever truly been afraid.

Whenever Olivia became angry in the past I just _knew_ that I didn't have a reason to fear her _._ I knew that underneath all that fire and brimstone she was still the woman I loved. Not only did I know but I could see as well. I could always look into her eyes and see warmth as well as hesitation.

Now, I couldn't see anything.

It felt as though a black hole formed and swallowed the woman I loved leaving fear in her place.

Something deep inside told me not to back down and I listened to it. If possible I stood up straighter, met her gaze and refused to look away.

"Didn't you mean to say after what Abbie did to you?" Liv jeered. "Now that I think about it, she did me a favor that night."

"Is that so?"

"If it weren't for Abbie I would have been waiting around for you like some pathetic fool. She was the only one who would tell me the truth."

"Do you honestly think she gives a damn about you?"

"Do you honestly think I gave a fuck if she cares about me?" Olivia growled barring her teeth. I kept calm even as she grabbed both of my arms shaking me violently. "I died and went to hell! Do you think I give a damn about **anything**?"

I slapped her.

I hit her so hard that my hand stung from the impact.

Olivia raised a shaking palm to cover her reddening cheek. I could see tears starting to pour freely down. When she faced me again, her eyes were filled with emotion.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I don't know what came over me."

I don't know where she went inside of her mind just now but I was relieved to have her back.

"Alex, I wouldn't hurt you…."

I raised my chin in response, "You **will** see a therapist."

I wasn't asking and she knew it. I will not allow this to go any further.

Olivia's bottom lip quivered and she bowed her head, "Yes."

I lifted her jaw to meet my eyes again, "I was planning on telling you about Serena and me, eventually. Abbie had no right to tell you but she was correct in a way; it was kind of hypocritical of me to stop you from spending time with her."

I took both of her hands, "If we want this marriage to work, we have to trust one another. We can't let anyone or anything come in between us ever again. Promise me."

"Alex, I-"

"Promise me," I said with more urgency.

"I promise you Alex, I won't let anyone or **_anything_** come in between us."

I just hope that she can keep her promise.

* * *

I've been practically floating all day.

I'm in a constant state of ecstasy.

I haven't had one drink but I feel great.

Why? It's because I'm about to marry the woman I've been waiting for forever.

This morning's fiasco was far from forgotten. I will eventually have to look inside myself to figure out why I acted the way I did. Once I do I may not like the answer I find. Until then, I'll put it away so that I can marry Alex. I'll put it away until we go on our honeymoon and she inevitably leaves for Africa. Only then will I decide if I'm becoming just like the monster I am hunting.

"Are you alright, Benson?"

"Did you say something, Abbie?"

"I asked you if you were alright," Abbie whispered curiously, "You're not getting cold feet, are you?"

"No, I'm just… thinking." I mumbled.

Never in million years did I think I would be getting married in the Hamptons, the ocean at my back and Abbie Carmichael of all people standing at my side.

Here I am.

Calling Serena's home in the East Hamptons nice didn't quite do it justice. With five bedrooms, four bathrooms and a scenic view of the Atlantic Ocean; breathtaking is the word I would use to describe it.

We stood in the sitting room on the first floor waiting for Serena to come downstairs and announce that Alex was ready to begin. I heard the doorbell ring and I glanced quizzically towards Abbie.

"Is Serena expecting any visitors today?"

"I'll see who it is," the Texan offered.

I heard familiar voices coming from the front door and I went to investigate.

"Surprise!" Abbie exclaimed.

Munch, Fin and Captain Cragen stood behind her grinning and wearing dark tuxedos.

"Come on now Liv. Didn't think we'd miss you getting married, did you?" asked Fin.

"Guys, I don't know what to say," I stammered. "I'm so glad that you could come."

"Imagine our surprise when your old flame Carmichael here called the station. I originally thought that she was an alien luring us in the middle of nowhere to be probed but everything checked out," Munch said dryly.

"We brought someone else too. Although, it took more convincing on my part," Cragen explained. "I had to enlighten Elliot that this day was not about him."

I swallowed, "You didn't have to do that."

"Yes, I did. I just stopped your partner from missing something he would regret for the rest of his life."

Without further words Cragen opened the door, "You can come in now, Elliot."

Elliot stepped through the threshold looking slightly apologetic, "Hey, Liv."

I smiled a little, "Hey."

"Listen, um…I'm happy for you alright? You deserve this," he said quickly.

"Thank you," I said softly.

I'm not sure if I forgive him yet but this is one hell of a start.

Munch cleared his throat loudly, "Well now that that awkward moment is over, I have to ask who you and Alex found to do the ceremony."

I rolled my eyes, "Do you even have to ask?"

"Judge Herman?"

I shook my head, "Wrong Judge, try Donnelly."

"I wonder if she takes requests," he added jokingly.

I didn't have time to answer as Serena finally came in search of us, "Olivia, she's ready."

So am I.

The sun was just settling over the horizon when Serena led us to the private beach in the back of her home. I felt the white sand sifting underneath while my heart fluttered nervously inside my chest.

I thought that I couldn't imagine Alex any more beautiful until I saw her standing on the beach wearing a white dress, pearls on her neck and the bright sun making her shine like an angel.

I heard a few low whistles coming from the guys behind me.

"Are we ready to begin?" Donnelly asked dressed appropriately in an all-white suit. She raised an eyebrow looking at my clothes as I approached, "Leather, Detective?"

I grinned in response never taking my eyes away from Alex, "Per the bride's request, Your Honor."

I clasped hands with my soon to be wife as the judge began to speak, "Should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."

The only response was the waves crashing against the shore.

"We have joined together here to unite Alexandra Cabot and Olivia Benson in the institution of marriage. This is a sacred rite, an ancient rite. The church may bless it, and the state may recognize it as a legal construct, but these are but symbols of what is happening within Alexandra and Olivia, as their hearts reach across the void to each other, and pledge their devotion. To be real, there must be a consecration of each to the other, and of both to the noblest ends of life…."

* * *

"By the power invested in me by the state of New York: I now pronounce you life partners. You may-"

I was already kissing Alex before the judge could finish her sentence. When I opened my eyes, we were surrounded by people smiling and congratulating our union.

It was pitch dark outside before everyone stopped mingling. Alex and I were ready to leave for our honey moon but I wanted to say goodbye to Abbie one last time.

I spotted her and Serena standing off to themselves away from the group. I was all smiles until I came within ear's reach of their conversation.

"You could at least pretend that you love me," Serena hissed.

Abbie bowed her head, "I do love you Serena. This is not how it looks."

"It is exactly how it looks! You were crying, Abbie! Crying!" Serena shouted.

"Lower your voice," Abbie snapped, "Benson is standing right behind you."

Serena turned around with a tight smile on her face. "Once again congratulations, Olivia."

"Is everything alright?"

"Ask her," Serena sighed. "I'm going to talk to Alex before the two of you leave."

After she left I walked to Abbie and placed my hands on her shoulders, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Abbie said even raspier than normal, "Everything is just fine."

Even as she spoke I could see the remnants of tears on her face.

Then I knew…

My expression must have shown surprise because the Texan shrugged my hands off her shoulders, "Let's not make a big deal out of this, alright?"

"Abbie—"

Her eyes hardened, "If you want me to continue helping you, you will forget this conversation ever happened."

"What conversation?" I asked feigning ignorance.

Abbie smiled throwing her arms around my neck squeezing me, "I'm so happy for you."

I hugged her back just as tight, "I'll be back in two weeks."

We released one another and she placed something inside my hand. I held up the object: a small pentagram charm on a gold chain.

"What's this?" I asked.

"A wedding gift from me that once belonged to my father," Abbie explained. "It is supposed to protect the user from evil. I want you to have it."

I closed my palm around the necklace, "Thank you "

Her eyes hardened again, "Make sure you have a good time on your honey moon, Benson. 'Cause when Cabot gets on that plane for Africa; we are hunting down that evil son a bitch who owns your soul. Or die trying."

TBC...


	8. Ten Months Left

**A Deal to Die For**

Chapter 8: Ten Months Left….

Sam and I drove twenty-three hours straight to arrive in California after sunrise. We wrapped up a job down in Missouri involving a nasty poltergeist. Before he turned ghost, the poltergeist was a serial killer and rapist. Too scared to face his inevitable fate in hell probably, the bastard opted to stay behind terrorizing more victims.

There are only two real methods to put a spirit to rest: One, help the ghost complete its unresolved issues on Earth; Two, burn and salt the body or object the ghost left behind.

Sam and I chose the latter. We snuck into the cemetery at night, dug up the bastard and finished him off for good.

We rarely ever get to take a vacation. Once Sam and I finish a job we search the country for a new one. It's grueling work and the pay sucks. We get by mostly on credit card scams and hustling pool.

I pop in a Metallica cassette and turn up the volume. My brother Sam sleeping on the passenger's side jerked violently, "What the hell, Dean?"

"Rise and shine Sammy! We're finally in Cali-for-nia!" I exclaimed.

Sam gawked out of the window. True, we're in the state of California but there was no civilization in sight. The red, sun baked desert closed in on us from both sides.

"Check the map while you're awake, Sunshine. See how far it is before we reach Indio."

Sam rolled his eyes and opened the glove compartment. While he searched the map, I noticed a red light blinking inside, "Is that one of dad's old phones?"

Even though our father died about four years ago, I kept his phones serviced just in case one of his old contacts called. Sam picked up the cheap cell and examined it, "There was a missed call from about a month ago."

"Dude, are you serious? How did we miss it?"

Sam pushed his long hair from his eyes, "No one has called dad's phone in a while. Plus, we haven't exactly had an easy year."

No arguments there.

"What alias was dad using for that phone anyway?"

I thought hard and finally slapped the steering wheel when the answer came to me, "John Bonham."

"Um…wasn't he the drummer for Led Zeppelin?" Sam asked.

I grinned, "Damned right he was."

"Did dad know anyone from New York?"

Our father, John Winchester, was a mystery even to his own sons. He traveled to the darkest corners of the country looking for the creature that killed our mother, Mary.

About twenty years ago in Lawrence, Kansas, dad woke up to the sound of mom screaming from baby Sam's nursery. What he saw would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Over Sam's crib he saw our mom pinned to the ceiling bleeding from her abdomen. The ceiling burst into flames engulfing the house. From that day forward dad raised us from a young age to be hunters.

It is the only life Sam and I truly know.

"It's possible. Dad knew hunters pretty much everywhere. Call Bobby and ask him to trace the number."

Bobby Singer was our go to guy when it came to researching monsters and helping us maintain our aliases as law enforcement agents.

Twenty minutes later Sam hung up his phone, "Well?' I asked impatiently.

"The number traces back to a woman named Olivia Benson. She's some kind of detective for Manhattan sex crimes, I think."

My suspicions immediately heightened to red alert. We spent a lot of time just trying to avoid the authorities. Now a cop reaches out for dad? Something was off. "Do you think the Feds know we're alive?"

Sam shook his head, "I checked the FBI's most wanted list a couple of days ago. We're still listed as deceased."

Hunting wasn't exactly a documented profession. Sam and I were blamed for many of the murders committed by monsters we've hunted.

"Alright, we'll grab a bite to eat and find a motel once we roll into town. Then we can do more research on this Benson woman." I suggested.

I pressed down harder on the gas pushing the Impala even faster to the next town.

About two hours west we found civilization in the form of a small desert town known as Indio. We ordered breakfast to take back to our motel room on the outskirts of town.

We checked in under the name Andy and Mike Gracias using a stolen credit card and identification. I threw my bag on the bed and eagerly unwrapped breakfast, a bacon cheeseburger. While I devoured my sandwich, Sam took out his laptop and started to research this Olivia Benson woman.

"Everything checks out, Dean. She worked for sex crimes in Manhattan for over ten years. This is nothing out of the ordinary."

I took a strong bite and spoke while my mouth was still crammed, "Well, she didn't call dad's cell for nothing. Keep digging."

"Dude, chew your food all the way," Sam said shaking his head with disgust. He went back to staring at the screen while I finished the rest of my meal.

"Hmm…this is kind of interesting," he replied absently.

I wiped my hands on the bed comforter, "What is it?"

"She was married recently, very recently. The marriage license is only a few days old."

Sometimes I wondered about Sam, "People get married every day; what's the big deal?"

My brother smirked, "She married another woman, Dean."

Finally, Sam and I have a potential case involving lesbians. Thank you, God.

"The wife's name is Alexandra Cabot, an A.D.A for the same department. As far as I can tell she's clean too." Sam eventually sighed, "Maybe it was just a wrong number?"

I snorted, "A wrong number to one of dad's old phone? I don't think so, man."

He silently agreed with me. In our line of work there is rarely such a thing as coincidences. Evil held no real boundaries.

"Whatever it is we're not going to find it on the surface. We have to look deeper for results."

I grabbed a beer from my bag as Sam continued typing. He stopped only to use the bathroom and finish eating the rest of his breakfast. I polished off the first drink and started another one before Sam sought my attention again.

"Dean, check this out."

He slowly turned the laptop screen towards me. A newspaper headline from about seven years ago jumped out at me. It read: **No Lead on Slain A.D.A**.

Underneath the headline was a picture of a beautiful woman with shoulder length blonde hair, pale skin and clear blue eyes. Sam and I shared a grim expression.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Damn right I am. The dead just don't get up and tie the knot. This whole thing now has a crossroads demon's cover up stench all over it. One-minute Alexandra is dead and two years later she resurfaces again with all of her killers dead or incarcerated.

"It's what I would have done."

I was already snatching my bag by the time Sam closed his computer. "Come on. We can get to New York in about two days flat if we really push it."

"Dean, we can't go all the way to New York right now." Sam argued.

"I'm not about to let some hero cop spend the rest of eternity in hell, Sam! Now grab your shit and let's go!"

"We're working a job here remember? Five people were killed just in the last month or so. We have to make a choice: Save one person or let dozens die."

I hated it when Sam made sense but that doesn't mean I had to like it.

I dropped my bag and plopped back down on the bad, "We can stay but the second this case is over we gun it to New York."

We both knew personally know what hell was like. If I have the power to spare someone else from that fate, I'll use it.

* * *

Before I sold my soul, I was on the pathway to heaven; or so that demon told me.

He couldn't be more wrong.

I would never be closer to heaven than I am right now.

My day has finally come. I am married to the woman of my dreams. She is the person I have been waiting for my entire life, my soul mate.

This is heaven.

Hell is suddenly like a distant memory instead of a constant nightmare. It feels so strange like I am living another woman's life.

I switched my phone off once we reached the hotel from Serena's house. As far as the outside world is concerned, I don't exist for two weeks.

Speaking of hotel, Alex really outdid herself this time. The view from our room overlooking central park was stunning but I decided not to ask about the price. Places like this were designed to turn average people like me away. It wasn't completely lost on me that this could be our last time together. We are not going to spend it arguing about money.

"So, what do you think, Liv?" Alex asked after the bellman delivered the last of our luggage and left.

I made a sweeping glance of the beautiful suite that almost put Alex's apartment to shame and made mine look like the slums. I shrugged, "I guess it will have to do."

"Just admit that you love it," she grinned in response.

"Not as much as I love you."

Alex beamed, "Dance with me?"

I nodded and watched as she kicked off her heels and hurried to find the iPod and portable stereo from our luggage. I raised an eyebrow as I recognized the piano music of the song Alex chose.

" _Faithfully_? You hate Journey." I said as Alex wrapped her arms around my waist

"You love this song, Liv."

I'll never admit it. That is one of the secrets I will take to my grave.

I closed my eyes and held her tightly against me as we both swayed to the music.

So, this is what true contentment feels like.

* * *

The next morning, we woke up just before noon and ordered breakfast delivered to our room. Today is our first official day as a married couple. The only regret I have is that we couldn't do this a lot sooner. I know that it is mostly my fault but now I have the rest of my life to make it up to her.

The more time we spend together I am dreading to leave for Africa soon. I am still dedicated to my mission it's just that I don't want to spend so much time away from Olivia. If only she could come with me then everything would be perfect.

We showered together after eating breakfast to save time. That turned out to be a big mistake. Afterwards, Liv carried me back to the bedroom and made love to me for the rest of the afternoon.

I didn't know life could be this good. I never want it to end.

At some point in time we should probably get up. I can feel my stomach begging to be nourished having burned all the energy breakfast provided earlier. I tried to roll out of bed only to have a pair of strong arms hold me back.

"Where do you think you're going?" a sleepy voice asked.

"I need something to eat."

Olivia chuckled, "Didn't you eat enough already?"

I pinched her arm, "You know what I mean. We can have dinner downstairs, come on."

Olivia tightened her stronghold, "I don't want to share you with anyone else."

"Liv," I whined. "Please?"

She paused before reluctantly releasing her grip, "Fine but I'm not wearing a dress."

* * *

For the first time, I felt comfortable holding hands in public. A few years ago, I couldn't see myself doing such a thing. Now I could never be ashamed of my wife and the woman who loves me. Things were going so well until we arrived at dinner; until **_she_** showed up. Okay, technically neither Olivia nor I know this woman but that didn't stop her from nearly ruining our evening.

The hotel hosted its own fining dining restaurant downstairs exclusive only to patrons only. Our waitress was a pretty young woman with bright red hair and green eyes. When the woman greeted us, Olivia smiled brightly and shook her hand. It was so obvious who she reminded her of, Casey Novak. I felt the green-eyed monster welling up inside of me filling my appetite with jealousy. At the same time, I felt guilt for behaving so petty.

"How can I help you?" the waitress said.

"I'll have a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon to start. What about you, Alex?"

"Nothing for me thanks," I replied frostily.

Olivia bristled. Her smile quickly transformed into a grimace. She knew that I was upset; she just didn't know why, "Give us a minute please?"

Once the red head left hearing distance, Olivia leaned forward placing her hand on top of mine, "What's wrong, Alex? Are you feeling alright?"

I not so subtly moved my hand away, "Do you want to tell me what that was all about?"

"Did I do something wrong?"

She looked so sincere that my anger quickly faded away. I guess I shouldn't feel threatened by some waitress who shares a few similar features to Novak. I shouldn't even feel threatened by Casey.

I'm the one who is wearing the ring.

I reached for hand and squeezed it, "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry."

"I love you, Alex."

I smiled, "I love you too."

* * *

We've had an amazing time that has finally come to an end. The honeymoon is over and we have to return to our normal lives. At least we will always have each other, except I will be leaving soon. I immediately noticed the change in Liv as we packed our things just before checking out time.

The cheerful, warmhearted, sensitive woman I lived with for the past two weeks was replaced by this moody, sullen distant woman. Things would be different if I didn't have to leave her.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Yes," Liv said quietly slinging the leather jacket over her shoulders.

I stopped her at the door to wrap my arms around her and laid my head against her chest, "Everything will be just fine, Liv. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

Her only response was to hold me tighter that she ever has before.

* * *

I'm packing all my belongings and finally moving away from this run-down apartment. Some perks of being married to Alex include: waking up to a beautiful, successful blonde every morning; sharing her apartment in the 'privileged' neighborhood of Manhattan; and having the rest of your life to spend with her….

All ten months left of it. I am holding it all together until she leaves in a couple more days. After that, I don't know what I'll do.

Luckily, I hadn't collected very many possessions over the years. It only took a few hours for me to pack the things I would be taking with me to the new place. My furniture would either be trashed or donated to charity. I found a box of Casey's old things and debated with myself for an hour before I called my estranged ex-girlfriend. I don't want to betray Alex but I can't stop thinking about that dream I had about Casey. I have to talk to her face to face and see if she is alright. That's all there is to it, honest.

After a few awkward moments of greetings Casey agreed to stop by my apartment in the next hour or so. Two hours later I was nearly finished cleaning up the apartment to get my security deposit back when I heard a quiet knock on the door. I grabbed a hand towel to wipe the sweat from my forehead and slowly opened the door to let Casey inside.

The features were all there: pale skin, flaming red hair and bright green eyes. Those same eyes were tired as though she has lived three life times since we last met.

I pulled her into a gentle yet lasting hug. When we separated I followed her eyes around the packed-up apartment waiting for the questions and inevitable answers to begin.

"So, you're moving in with Alex? I guess things are getting pretty serious?"

I held up my left hand to show her the gold wedding band on my ring finger. I could almost feel the anguish pouring from Casey but I didn't have any words to comfort her. I know how she feels standing on the other side helpless while the person you love choses someone else. I can't do a damn thing about it except bury it deep down to where I keep everything else I don't want to think of.

"I guess I'm not surprised. The two of you were engaged once upon a time. I just thought…I thought…," Casey was getting so choked up that she could barely continue but when I tried to comfort her she wouldn't let me.

I found better use of my hands inside my jean pockets, "You thought what?"

She shrugged, "I don't know. Some small part me of me always thought that we could be together again…one day."

I knew it wouldn't do any good to apologize or try and comfort her again. Instead I said, "Maybe in the next life, Case."

"I know." Casey replied with a hint of smile forming on her lips. "I'm acting like a teenager, aren't I? Life just has a way of throwing too many curveballs towards me at one time."

I took a step towards her, "How are you? I'm still your friend. You can come to me if you need someone."

She shook her head, "No, you aren't and no I can't. We both know that trying to be friends would complicate things. And we both know that Alex would never allow it."

"I'll think of something to tell her. I'll make her understand," I said through gritted teeth. "I just get the feeling that there is something you don't want to tell me."

"Honestly, I'm fine."

"Whatever it is I can help you. I'll protect you."

"You can't protect anyone, Liv. In fact, that's one of your biggest flaws; you can't stop worrying about others. It's time to start looking after yourself now."

I expect that kind of talk from Abbie but not from Casey. They think it's easy for me to let go of the people I love. They think it would be easy to watch them suffer and do nothing about it?

"A part of me will always love you. I couldn't just stand by and let something happen to you and I had the power to stop it." I countered.

Casey placed a hand against my face, "No one is asking you to do that."

"Then what are you asking?"

"Let me go now so I can do the same. No more calls to pick up worthless trinkets. Enjoy the rest of your life and be thankful for it."

I wasn't agreeing to that. The battle might be lost but the war has just begun. "Just take care of yourself, okay?"

If Alex walked in at that very moment she would have witnessed Casey pull me into one last kiss. She would have also seen me not try to pull away but encircle my arm around her shoulder. My marriage would be over before it had even begun. Luckily, for once fate was on my side.

I couldn't have pulled away from Casey for more than a minute to hand her the box with her belongings inside before the door swung open….

* * *

I hope Liv has all the boxes packed and ready for the movers to load them. I've spent much of the day packing for my own trip, having her name put on the lease at my apartment, and putting all my affairs in order for the next six months to a year. I just want to have more time to spend with her before I leave the day after tomorrow.

Or I could beat her to within an inch of her life….

I tossed my purse to the floor and Liv quickly intercepted me as I went to confront Casey, "What the hell are you doing here?"

Casey had the nerve to grin, "Put your claws back in Cabot."

"It's Benson now." I saw Olivia's eyes widen from my peripheral vision and her grip loosened.

If Casey was upset she didn't show it. Olivia must have already broken the news to her, "I get it. I'm not here to try and steal Liv from you. I couldn't even if I wanted to."

"What are you doing here then?"

Casey gestured towards the box, "Olivia called me here to pick up a few of my things."

"You called her here?" My eyes narrowed but Olivia refused to release her grip on me. Casey was more athletic and would probably take me on easily but right now I could care less. Ring on my finger or not the jealous little monster inside of me was in full effect.

"I probably should go."

"I think that would be a good idea." I growled.

"You won, Alex. Enjoy the fruits of battle while they're still sweet. That taste is going to turn bitter a lot sooner than you think."

I have no clue what she was talking about. However, I couldn't help but notice that Casey shared an intense stare with Olivia before leaving the apartment and hopefully our lives for good.

"Are the movers downstairs yet?" Olivia asked releasing me after Casey was long gone.

Does she really think we're going to talk about moving right now?

"Alex, don't look at me like that," she warned. "You were out of line. Casey didn't do anything wrong; she was just here because I called her."

I crossed my arms," I'm out of line? We're barely away from our honeymoon and you decide to call your ex? You could have easily mailed her those things!"

Olivia threw up her arms, "Okay, I get it. You can see Serena whenever but if I call Casey one time it's a big fucking deal?"

"There is a big difference and you know it! Serena and I dated in college, we're almost in our forties now! You dated Casey **last year**!"

Olivia rolled her eyes, "I'm not arguing about this anymore. I just called Casey to pick up the stuff she left behind. If I wanted to cheat I could have just waited until you left."

She can be so insensitive sometimes. I try to pretend like my feelings aren't hurt but they are. I guess the honeymoon really is over. Despite Casey being a total nuisance her almost cryptic words still played inside my head.

"I'll just go downstairs and tell the movers to come up."

"Alex, I'm sorry that didn't come out right," Olivia sighed. "Could we not fight on our last day together?"

She was right. I need to stop thinking about Casey being a constant threat and focus more on keeping my marriage together while I'm across seas. Olivia has been wearing the same pained look on her face since we left the hotel failing miserably to hide it.

I'll wait until tomorrow to give her the number and address to my therapist.

* * *

I decided that is would be best to keep my old apartment. I trust Alex but the next ten months are going to be hectic. Abbie and I will need a place to set up shop without having to walk past brown-nosing doormen. It just might seem a little odd for another woman to be coming in and out of the apartment at odd times of night. I moved my clothing and the boxes I packed to the new apartment to keep up appearances with Alex. My bed and living room furniture can stay behind. If I'm still alive by the time Alex comes back I'll let the old apartment go without her ever finding out that I kept it.

I wasn't really in the mood to have sex later that night but I couldn't deny Alex. She didn't really know how conflicted and torn up I was. On the outside, I was just a woman who was sad that her wife would be leaving for a few months. On the inside, I was a woman in constant fear and agony that she may never see her wife again.

* * *

We took a cab to the airport in silence. I stared out of the window as Alex rested her head against my shoulder. After Alex's flight left JFK she would make one stop in a country called Dubai along the Persian Gulf before finally arriving at an airport in Nairobi. From Nairobi, Alex would meet with a representative from the international task force she joined and fly with her to the capital of Congo: a city called Kinshasa

The cab driver and I carried most of her luggage for check in procedures. Now all we had to do was wait a half hour more before her flight was scheduled to leave.

"I want you to be careful, Alex. Watch yourself at all times and no heroics either. You can't help anyone if you're dead." I'm really putting on an act now. I'm using every ounce of my will power not to break down in front of Alex. It is amazing how I could find the strength to stand up to Alistair even after months of inhumane torture but I can't stand the thought of losing her for even a second.

"Before I leave, here is the number to my therapist, Dr. Kohn," Alex said slipping a piece of paper into my hand. "She's a good doctor; she can help."

"I'll call her before I leave for work tomorrow," I lied easily.

Satisfied with my answer, Alex pulled me into one last hug and gave me a brief kiss on the lips, "I love you, Liv. I'm going to miss you."

"I love you too…. see you later?" I couldn't just couldn't bring myself to say goodbye.

Alex winked, "Count on it."

I watched until she disappeared among the sea of passengers hurrying to board the plane that would take them out of the country. My fist curled and crumpled the piece of paper with the therapist's number. It slipped from my hand as I left the terminal and the airport.

I don't need a doctor.

I need a fucking miracle.

* * *

I went to my old apartment after leaving the airport. I shed a few tears in the cab but held most of emotions in for the most part. Once the door closed tightly behind me all bets were off. I broke down into sobs reminiscent of that night I found out that Alex was engaged to marry Robert. Only this was far worse.

I can't do this anymore. I can't carry this burden alone and hold myself up at the same time. If being with Alex for those two weeks was heaven, this is hell.

A living hell….

I climbed into bed and wept until the world around me turned dark. I drifted in and out waking only to use the rest room. Time held no bounds as it did while I was in hell. I couldn't tell if one day or week passed. My stomach clenched and growled for sustenance. My throat transformed into a vast, dry desert. At one point in time I thought I heard Alistair's soft sinister whispering inside my head. Whether I heard his voice was irrelevant; he had finally won one way or another.

I slept for God knows how long but my body felt exhausted. When I finally couldn't go another second without water I forced myself out of bed to the refrigerator. I drank my fill and traded water for scotch. I was preparing to go back to bed when I heard loud banging on my front door. I already have a good idea who it is. I stalked to the door slinging it open to meet an irate Abbie Carmichael.

"Where in the hell have you been?" Abbie snapped flipping on the light switch in my living room. I nearly hissed like a cat and shielded my eyes until they adjusted to the bright light, "I have been trying to reach you for three days!"

"I was busy." I slinked down to the couch holding the bottle of scotch between my legs.

"Busy doing what? I called the precinct and you haven't even gone back to work yet." Abbie demanded placing both hands on her hips.

"What's your point?" I muttered.

"Has alcohol destroyed every brain cell in your head suddenly?! Did you forget that we have a demon to hunt down?"

I took a swig from the bottle as she spoke. My empty stomach cramped in protest once the alcohol reached the empty pit, "I haven't forgotten."

"Get dressed and let's head over to the warehouse. We can think of something to tell Captain Cragen on the way."

"I'm not going anywhere Abbie." The first drink tasted so good that I decided to have another, "I am not leaving this apartment."

Abbie paced anxiously in front of the coffee table, "We can't keep wasting time like this. Get off your ass Benson!"

I slammed the scotch bottle down glaring up at the persistent Texan, "That demon is going to be stronger, faster and probably a lot smarter than the one we trapped. I'm already dead and you will be too if you don't let this go!"

"So, you're just going to give up?" Abbie spat.

"Looks like it, yeah." I said sarcastically. "You can let yourself out anytime."

Abbie reached the bottle of scotch before I could and flung it into the nearest wall. I watched as the glass exploded on impact and the copper substance slowly slid down to pool on the floor. She slammed her palms down on the table holding my gaze until I looked away, "When did you become so pathetic?"

"Around the same time I ever met you," I said harshly.

"You needed my help and I offered it! I released skeletons that I promised myself I never would do because of you! Do you think I like getting back into this life!"

"…. You owe me a bottle of scotch."

Abbie chuckled, "It's no wonder Cabot got on a plane so soon after you two were married. If I made the worst mistake of my life I wouldn't stick around either."

Abbie is always the one person who knows how to get underneath my skin whenever she wants to. Right now, she has reached too far and I am pissed.

I jumped up from the couch my legs moving the coffee table as I confronted Abbie, "Shut the hell up. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"I've known Cabot for a lot longer than you have. You set your standards pretty high," the Texan grinned. "But do honestly think she would want you if she saw you like this?"

"Shut up-,"I growled kicking the table out of my way. "Don't say another word."

"I'm just telling you the truth! You're a shadow of your former self! Do you think she would want a has-been?"

I punched her. Not hard but enough to get her to stumble back a few steps. I was immediately mortified at my actions because I have never hit one of girlfriends even if she was an ex.

I didn't even have time to apologize because Abbie hit back. Hard.

"I have been waiting to kick your ass for almost ten years!"

There wasn't much of a fight. Abbie was strong and agile; I was weak from dehydration and not eating. At least the beating wasn't so bad compared to the one I took from the demon.

Abbie stood over me breathing heavily from the beating. I propped myself up on my elbow glancing up at her and holding my sore jaw, "Happy now?" I choked. I couldn't control the tears that started to pour down my face. "I'm pathetic I know. You won't ever have to worry about me again."

"Stop talking, Olivia." Abbie growled. Without saying another word, she stormed out leaving me alone once again to wallow in my self-pity.

* * *

Benson is out. I guess I'm on my own now. I can't believe she just gave up like that; or then again maybe I can. I was afraid that this might happen. Olivia was already stretched so thin; she was running off fumes mostly. I'm not trying to make excuses for her but the last seven years haven't exactly been a piece of cake. I have certainly done my part to make her life miserable. In my defense, I didn't know that Benson sold her soul until recently. Otherwise, I might not have done the things I did the night of Branch's party. Or maybe I was so bitter then that I would have anyways.

I think if she would have ended up falling for anyone else I could have made peace with it. But no, it had to be Alexandra stick up the ass Cabot.

I didn't have very many friends growing up. My father hunted around Texas whenever he could but we traveled out of state a lot during the year. He always hired tutors to keep me caught up with my class but that didn't leave very much time for anything else. I still managed to graduate at the top of my class before I got accepted into Harvard.

Everything was fine until that pompous arrogant, bitch Alex started coming around. Since then it seems like I haven't been able to get rid of her. When she dated Serena, I felt like I constantly had the urge to throw up. They were all over each other like a bunch of horny teenagers. Meanwhile, I dated both sexes in college but nothing very serious.

Then Olivia came along years later seemingly out of nowhere. We were alike in so many ways that it was scary. Things immediately hit off; she was the first woman that I ever loved.

Fate can be such a fickle whore. When I took the job offering in D.C I didn't exactly talk things over with Olivia. I was my still too much of my father's daughter: strong and independent. I didn't realize what I had until I lost it. Benson broke things off. No matter how much I begged, pleaded and cried she wouldn't take me back. I poured myself into the job that had cost me everything but I never could forget what I'd lost.

I still can't forget, which is probably the reason why I'm headed to Brooklyn instead of going home.

I **will not** just let her die. No matter how much I can't stand Alex, I would rather for her to have Benson than to see her go to hell.

Not only that but I have a little score to settle with a demon.

Before I went inside the warehouse I reached into the glove compartment and grabbed a 9mm handgun. It was pitch black outside and this wasn't the safest of neighborhoods. I won't lie and say that I am not afraid. I am scared shitless. I'm not exactly an expert at this. I have the book knowledge down fine for the most part; it's the field work that I am worried about.

I popped the trunk and grabbed a duffel bag filled with a sawed off shot gun, salt, holy water and a few other things I need to deal with a demon.

I ripped off the duct tape from the demon's mouth so that he could answer my questions. I noticed that he was almost trembling with fear before he saw that it was me and not Benson. It's no wonder he gave up the name so quickly. Looking at all the cuts on his body ranging from shallow to gushing Olivia really did a number on him.

"Oh, it's the femme again. How can I help you?" He asked cockily.

I stared directly into his black eyes refusing to look away, "How do you summon a cross roads demon?"

He smirked, "You want to make a deal, bitch?"

"Something like that."

"Why should I help you?"

"The moment you stop making yourself useful is when I send you straight back to hell."

"There is no place like home."

I sighed theatrically, "Have it your way." Before I could even get the first words out in Latin the demon relented.

"Okay, okay. Put the bone of a black cat in a box along with your picture, some grave yard dirt and other ingredients. At midnight dig a hole in the center of the crossroads and bury the box inside. A demon will come and fulfill your deepest desires…. for a price of course."

I splashed some holy water on the demon as motivation, "What other ingredients?"

* * *

It took about two more days for me to scrounge up the bone of a black cat. Thanks to the wonderful internet I tracked down a small voodoo shop in Jamaica Queens that wasn't just filled with useless props. The rest of the supplies were a lot easier come up with.

At midnight, I placed my driver's license in a small jewelry box and buried it in dead center of the crossroad near the warehouse. The wind picked up as I waited for the demon to make an appearance. I suppressed a shiver and kept my hand away from the holy water I had stashed in my jacket.

I glanced at my watch wondering if that bone was the real deal. When I looked up again there was a brunette with short hair and dark eyes standing about ten feet away from me. As she smiled her eyes flashed crimson before instantly turning normal again.

"What can I do for you, Abbie?"

"I want to make a deal," I said pulling my coat tighter around me.

The demon smiled, "That's what I'm here for."

"There is a woman named Olivia Benson. I'm in love with her and-."

"And you want her to love you back? Just say the word and I can make your deepest desires come true." The demon interrupted. "I'm sure you know already that I have a contract with Olivia, I own her."

It took everything I had not to throw the holy water in the smug bitch's face.

"I want her to be mine and I want 20 years."

The demon chuckled, "Nice try Abbie. You know the drill, ten years and no more."

"Fifteen."

"I can throw in an extra year but no more," she said firmly.

"What are you going to do about Olivia's wife?"

She shrugged, "Accidents happen."

"No!" I shouted. "Don't hurt her."

The demon scowled at me, "Fine, but just for that you're back at ten years. It's a fair deal the same one I gave to your mother all those years ago."

My heart skipped a beat, "Shut up."

She smirked placing a hand in her leather trench coat, "Do we have a deal?"


	9. Eight Months Left

A Deal to Die For

Chapter 9: Eight Months Left….

"How do I know that you won't still drag her soul to hell after we make this deal? I could end up being screwed out of my ten years."

"I'm sure that I could arrange something with the Boss. Two souls are always better than one."

I swallowed nervously, "The Boss?"

Amy placed both hands on her hips as if the answer had been obvious all along, "I have a boss to answer to just like everyone else. Demons aren't really that different from humans."

"We are **nothing** like you," I spat feeling anger and bile rise from my stomach.

"Here you are trading your soul for a married woman's affections. I'm just the saleswoman displaying the merchandise. No one is forcing you to buy here."

"Are you done?"

"As a matter of fact, I am. This is a once in a lifetime chance; I suggest that you take it," the demon coaxed, "Do we have a deal or not. Time is souls and I have other debts to collect."

I closed my eyes overcome by love for her. It was an overwhelming, crushing feeling of having loved someone for so long knowing that they moved on and left you trapped in the past.

"Yes, I'll do it," I breathed.

"A wise choice," the demon said.

I kept my eyes shut waiting and listening. I heard her footsteps approaching and hands touch my shoulders gently rubbing them. I could feel her warm breath against my lips. A few more seconds Olivia would be mine and it would be too late.

The holy water left my pocket and slashed across the demon's chest like a blade. As Amy stumbled back smoking I planted a hard uppercut underneath her chin.

"Sorry, I don't kiss on the first date," I sneered.

Amy recovered quickly after the effects of the holy water wore off, "You are going to pay for that, bitch."

An invisible force slammed hard into my chest sending me skidding into the dirt twenty feet away. Before I could recover Amy descended on me kicking me violently in the ribs. I felt the some of the fragile bones crack. I would have screamed but her boot pressed down on my throat.

"You made a big mistake tonight, Abbie. Olivia could have been yours but instead you chose to die."

"Go…. ahead," I gasped struggling for air. I would never give demon scum the satisfaction of begging for my life.

When I was close to passing out Amy finally released the pressure on my neck, "I'll give you one last chance only to make the deal."

My injured ribs made it hard to breathe as I laughed hysterically, "I love Olivia but she had to be one stupid son of a bitch to make that deal. No one is worth going to hell for! No one!"

"We'll see about that. How about before I finish up here I go pay a little visit to Serena Southerlyn? By the time I finish with her I guarantee you'll be begging to stand at the crossroads and bargain."

At the mention of Serena's name my vision clouded with red rage, "Go near her scum and I will do everything in my power to kill you!"

A swift kick to the ribs turned my anger to pain," You are literally in no position to make threats."

I ground my teeth together using anger to block the pressure Amy applied to my ribcage, "Not a threat bitch…. a promise."

Amy lifted me effortlessly with one hand my feet kicking at the dirt, "After they find your mangled corpse, I will be waiting on Serena. I'll give her five years in exchange for your life. A million dollars says that she'll take-"

I spit in her face before she could finish the foul words.

She snapped my right arm like a twig in retaliation. This time I threw my head back and screamed. Good thing I'm left handed.

"Do you have any last wishes?" Amy's iron grip tightened around my throat. I fumbled for a knife soaked with salt and holy water hidden inside my boot. I yelled and embedded the knife in the demon's neck forcing her to drop me. Blood and smoke gushed from the wound. Once Amy dropped me to the dirt I scrambled back as quickly as possible scrambling for the lighter in my pocket.

I tossed the lighter and watched as the bright red and orange flames sprang seemingly from the ground itself. Of course, it hadn't. Earlier today, I came here and soaked the ground with gasoline in the form of a massive Devil's Trap encircling the crossroads. I was worried about the demon noticing the gas fumes but who in the hell was I kidding; this is Brooklyn.

Amy hissed as it was trapped inside the pentagram. I stood triumphed to my feet holding a hand inside my injured ribcage. My right arm dangled uselessly at my side.

"What do you want, Abbie?" the demon said knowing that she was defeated.

"Let Olivia out of her deal, **now** ," I replied immediately.

"What's in it for me?"

Apparently, I haven't given this demon enough reasons to fear me, "Listen to me and listen well. If this conversation doesn't end well I'll send you back to the hole you came crawling out of."

Amy shrugged," I can give her an extra year but that's about it."

Her neck snapped violently from side to side as I started chanting. Black smoke began to steadily seep from her mouth.

"What about your mother?!" Amy screamed. "She's burning in hell right now and all you can think about that run-down cop?"

"You can't bring her back to life without another soul to bargain with."

The mention of my mother only made me angrier and determined to send her back to hell. I continued the chant drawing it out to make every second agonizing for her.

"Think of Olivia then! I'll give you the twenty years! Just let me go!"

Even if I was stupid enough to take the deal I wouldn't be able to hide the truth from myself. Her love for me would always be an evil little lie. Only a desperate fool would choose to live that way.

"Let her go. Decide **now**!"

They say that the crossroads demon comes to you in the form of the person that you desire most. The short hair, the leather coat… I think it's clear who I desire most.

"I'm just a representative of the company. I don't hold that kind of power, love."

"If you made the contract, you can break it."

"Sorry, but the answer is no."

I held back my surprise, "You would rather face hell again than let go of an insignificant soul?

"Insignificant? Hardly."

That creepy grin covered her face. I fucking hate demons.

"Let's just say that we have plans for your former lover."

My mind raced with ideas. What could these evil sons of bitches have in store for Benson?

"I want the name of the demon that holds her contract."

"That will be a cold day downstairs before I give you **his** name. He could give me a thousand deaths worse than you ever could."

"Want to bet? What do you have planned for Olivia?"

The red slits covered her eyes, "Just wait and see."

There was no use. I have all the information I can get from this demon. Apparently, I will have to climb higher on the demon hierarchy to find answers. I took great satisfaction as the demon convulsed from the exorcism. Amy threw her head back screaming black smoke into the atmosphere. The human woman dropped to her knees clutching at her bleeding neck. I cursed and jumped through the flames feeling the heat singe my ankles.

"Just keep pressure on it," I whispered as blood pumped freely through her fingers.

She didn't have long.

I shrugged off my jacket, balled it up and placed it underneath her head, "That…. creature…kept me trapped for weeks…. saw…. horrible…. things."

"Shh…. save your strength," I soothed her.

She slowly let her hand fall away from her neck, "I know who…holds…. your friend's contract…. I could hear the demon's thoughts along with my own."

"Who?" I asked urgently, "Tell me please."

The choking and gurgling intensified. I waited anxiously for her to whisper one word before she went still. I ran my palm down closing her eyes for good.

She had given a name, Crowley.

I covered the unnamed woman's corpse with the jacket and dragged her into the raging pentagram's flames. I waited until she was completely engulfed before limping back to my car.

I had a name: Crowley.

I slowly opened the door groaning when my broken arm tapped the arm rest. Breathing heavily, I used my left hand to turn the ignition. I sat still listening to the engine hum trying to process the information I learned.

Amy said that they have plans for Olivia? What plans? Who in the hell is this Crowley and why does he want Benson's soul so badly?

I thought about the woman I just killed. I didn't even know her name. I sobbed until it became difficult to keep breathing. Her sacrifice would not go in vain.

I pulled over at the warehouse and rested against the steering wheel fighting to keep conscious. I tenderly reached for my cell phone only to have it come back in pieces. It must have smashed while the demon was kicking my ass.

I cursed having no idea of how to get to the nearest hospital. Brooklyn was huge and I didn't exactly know my way around. I stumbled from the car gasping for air and fighting to stay awake. I took less than a dozen steps inside the warehouse before I finally collapsed.

* * *

My phone will just not stop ringing.

It has been going off nonstop for the past hour or so and I just can't take it anymore. I slapped the nightstand blindly before grabbing the phone and prepared to lash out at the person on the other end.

"Olivia, thank God. I have been trying to reach you all day!"

I checked the caller I.D. to make sure I was right, "Serena?"

"Yes," confirmed the blonde, "Have you heard from Abbie? The last time I spoke to her was about two days ago and now her phone is going straight to voicemail."

I thought hard trying to unscramble the last few days, "She stopped by a few days ago but I haven't spoken to her today."

"I'm worried about her Olivia. It's not like her to just disappear."

I breathed heavily into the phone, "I'll call you if I hear anything."

"O... Okay."

I tossed the phone and closed my eyes trying to block out all thoughts. Whatever problems Abbie got into was not my problem.

I stuffed a pillow over my head.

This is not my problem.

My conscious is clear

If Abbie was stupid enough to go after the demon alone and get killed, how is that my fault? She shouldn't stick her neck out for me. I didn't ask her to. She doesn't owe me a damn thing.

But if something happened to her….

I care enough about her to leave bed after **days** and slowly put on clothes. This isn't exactly one of my finest hours but it is the best I can do. I dropped to the floor patting underneath the bed until my hand found something solid.

I stuffed the sawed off shot gun inside of my wool coat and left the apartment. I assumed that Serena already checked Abbie's apartment so I went straight to the warehouse.

Abbie's car, a black BMW, parked outside the building gave me both hope and dread. I paid the cab driver and waited until his tail lights disappeared into the distance. I pumped the shotgun and ran inside.

"Abbie…."

I felt my heart practically drop into my stomach. Abbie was sprawled out on the floor unmoving.

No, no, no, no she can't be dead.

"Well look here now. The butch finally came back."

"What did you do to her?!" I yelled firing two salt rounds into the demon.

"I didn't do anything. I swear!"

I loaded more salt rounds, "Do I look stupid to you?"

I fired four more rounds. The salt wouldn't penetrate his skin but they hurt like hell and burned the demon.

"I swear she came in that way! Stop shooting you crazy bitch!"

I spotted a sharp blade on the moldy table Abbie and I performed the first summoning ritual on, "Crazy? I'll show you crazy."

I snatched up the knife and stalked towards the demon. Logically, I saw that the demon couldn't have hurt Abbie because it was still bound to an unbroken Devil's trap. Illogically, I didn't care and just wanted to take all my frustrations out on that evil son of a bitch.

Only when I heard the faint whisper of my name did I stop going after the demon.

What is wrong with me? I was so consumed with anger that I didn't check to see if was alright. I immediately assumed the worst.

I fell to the ground and turned the brunette over checking for a pulse. Relief washed over me as I felt a steady pulse on my fingers.

I placed her head inside of my lap smoothing back sweat slicked hair from her forehead.

"You came for me?" her voice barely reached above a whisper.

"I guess I have a few brain cells left after all. Who did this to you?"

Abbie shut her eyes for a moment and a lump appeared in her throat, "…. I went to the crossroads."

I grabbed a fist full of her blouse and pulled her up towards me, "What did you do Abbie?" I didn't release her even as she writhed with pain, "Tell me now!"

I held on until her eyes rolled back before letting her fall back into my lap. Abbie groaned and rolled away from me, "You always knew how to treat a girl."

"Your arm looks broken."

"Ribs too," she added.

"Can you walk," I asked. "You need a doctor."

I helped Abbie ease into a sitting position and to her feet. She wrapped an arm around my waist for support and we slowly stumbled towards her car.

"Wait, Wait!" Abbie slouched against the passenger's side door, "We need to talk."

'Can it wait until after you get to the hospital?"

"No! We have to talk right now," she snapped. She placed a hand against her rib cage, "While you were home wallowing in self-pity I was out doing the job we both started!"

She jammed a finger into my chest scolding me like child. I know I deserve it. I held her gaze defiantly on the outside even though I felt like a true coward on the inside.

"I summoned that demon and sent her straight back to hell."

My heart leaped from inside my chest, "You, did it?! I can't believe you did it!"

"…. Benson-"

"I don't know how I can ever repay you for this. Abbie, you gave me the will to live again." Now all I have to do is wait for Alex to return and my life will be on the right track again.

My happy thoughts were interrupted by Abbie weeping softly against the hood. I placed my hand in the center of her back making small circles with my fingertips, "What's wrong?"

"I'm so sorry, Liv. I couldn't break your contract."

My spirits fell instantly and I felt the mantle fall on my shoulder's again. My knees threatened to buckle underneath the weight.

"I thought you sent the demon back to hell?" I heard myself pleading with her.

"The demon inside misled us. Amy never owned your soul she just handled the deal."

"Who owns my soul then?" Not that I really cared to know the answer. How do we even know if it's the truth?

"A demon named Crowley."

I have spent my entire life fighting for the sake of good but where was God when I needed him now?

"I'll take you to the hospital and then I'm going back home."

I'm tired.

"Pull yourself together! Start getting angry! Get revenge!"

For once I couldn't get angry. I just can't. "Give me one good reason why I should?"

"I'll give you five: demons have plans for you."

"What?"

"The demons have plans for you, Benson," Abbie said solemnly. "Amy told me before I sent her to hell."

"What do they have planned for me?!"

"Evil."

Okay, now I'm pissed.

* * *

We waited until my arm healed fully to pursue the demon. Six agonizing weeks passed by. Precious time we could have used to hunt. The day that my arm came out of the cast is the day Olivia gave her resignation at SVU. I tried to talk her out of it. I begged and pleaded for her to wait a few more months but her mind was made up. Olivia explained that it wouldn't be fair to the victims to continue working a job she couldn't give her full attention to. The Captain told her that she was welcomed to come back at any time. I get the feeling that Elliot didn't take the news so well.

At least we have the name of a demon. Crowley, wherever you are don't drop the soap once you get back to hell.

I found the address to a place in Virginia that just might be a hunter's bar from one of my father's old journals. Nothing like a good road trip to bring two people closer together.

I brought my father's truck out of storage for the first time in over a decade. Benson took one look at the 1973 Ford Pickup and scrunched her nose up.

"Do you expect us to make it all the way to Virginia in this hunk of junk?"

Fucking Yankees.

They spend so much time underground and wouldn't know a good truck if it ran them over, "This 'hunk of junk' has traveled through damn near every state and still runs like a charm. I even checked under the hood myself to see if everything was in working order."

"You know how to fix cars?"

I patted the hood, "I know a few things to get by."

I threw a duffel bag along with our suitcases on the back as Olivia shook her head in amazement, "Besides, we can't take my BMW; it's too flashy to belong to a hunter. They would spot us from a mile away."

"Would that necessarily be a bad thing? We aren't exactly real hunters," Benson argued.

I rolled my eyes, "Think about it. Would you share information about a case to someone who wasn't a cop or lawyer?"

"Not anymore," she said dejectedly.

Damn, I almost forgot that she wasn't a cop anymore, "I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I'm not sensitive, Abbie." As reassurance, she flashed me a smile that made my heart melt.

Oh God. Did I just think that? This is going to be a long ride if I can't pull myself together.

You're a hunter now, Abbie. Start acting like it.

After a few hours on the road I pulled over and let Benson drive some. On the interstate, we went over strategy and how to act around other hunters.

"It would probably be better if you let me do most of the talking."

I noticed her hand tighten on the steering wheel, "What, you don't trust me? Think I can't handle it?"

"Hunters might have a noble cause but they aren't exactly saints. They break the law Olivia. They will do pretty much everything from credit card fraud to grave digging. I just don't want you to do anything that may stop us from getting the information we need."

"I'm not a cop anymore."

"You will always be a cop. Would you just follow my lead?"

"Fine."

The bar was on a back road so far out in the middle of nowhere not even a GPS could pinpoint its location. We asked for directions three times before finally finding the rickety building on a pitch-dark dirt road.

The building was old. So old that the wood was rotting and the roof missed a few shingles. One strong wind could probably kiss this place goodbye. Despite the appearance we heard music playing from inside and a few vehicles parked in front. I just hope we found the right place.

I tucked a 9mm in my waist and waited for Benson to follow me towards the establishment. She already had her 'cop' face on without realizing it but I hoped the bar patrons would take it as just being cautious instead.

I knew that we came to the right place as soon as we stepped inside. I elbowed Benson subtly flicking my eyes towards the ceiling directly above the door. I saw a white Devil's Trap drawn with white paint to stop any demon who thought to sneak inside unnoticed. I also suspected that the weather strip installed was made partly with pure iron to keep any other evil spirit or monster from entering.

After confirming that we weren't pure evil the bar patrons went back to their quiet drinking. We slipped towards the bar and sat down.

The bartender slid two coasters our way and grumbled, "What'll you have?"

"I'll have a double shot of bourbon."

Not cracking a smile, the bartender grunted towards Benson. "What will you have, Lady?"

"Double scotch," I interceded. Benson nodded silently with approval.

Minutes later he slid our drinks to us. I watched as Benson took her first sip hoping that she would be able to stop," Is that Texas drawl I hear?"

The man obviously has a good ear, "Born and raised."

"What brings you up this way?"

"We're looking for information...on a demon."

After a long pause he said, "Rufus Turner is the man you want to see. He may know a thing or two about demons."

"Where can we find this Rufus."

"Over there sitting in the corner."

I smiled," Thank you."

He didn't return the gesture but instead poured another glass of scotch," Don't thank me yet take this over to him."

"He likes drinking huh?"

"More than he likes breathing."

I gave Benson a signal that I wanted to go over alone. She didn't exactly look pleased but stayed seated as I left the bar. Rufus was a dark-skinned man who wore a disarming grin across his face but something told me that this man was not the type to be toyed with.

"Are you Rufus Turner?"

He looked up at me or most likely the extra drink in my hand," Depends on who's asking, sweetheart."

I plopped down and slid the drink to him, "Scott Kennedy is asking."

"Now you're speaking my language. What can I do for you?"

"I need information on the demon I'm hunting."

"What's the name of this demon honey?"

"Crowley."

Rufus's head tilted just in time to spit his drink all over the floor. "Sweetheart, do you have some kind of death wish?!"

I turned around quickly shaking my head as Olivia motioned to leave her seat at the bar. She stopped but stayed glued to the edge of the stool

"Maybe I am…do you know of him or not?"

Rufus kept his eyes locked on Olivia, "Crowley is a powerful demon. His power was second only to another demon called Lilith. Now he is second to no one. Last time I heard he became the King of Hell."

I cursed," Will an exorcism stop him?"

"Sure, you can send him back to hell but it won't do a damn bit of good. " Being the king of hell means he can move back and forth anytime he wants."

"What can I do stop him?"

"How long have you have been in the game one…two years? Take my advice and hang up the towel. This is one fight you ain't gonna win."

"If I do my friend will burn in hell in a few months. I can't let that happen."

Rufus shrugged, "There ain't nothing I can do for you. Sorry kiddo."

"No," I slammed my fist on the table fighting to keep tears at bay, "We came so far."

He must have taken pity on me, "Now that I think of it there might be one thing."

I instantly perked up," Anything will help."

"There's a gun out there, a Colt Paterson revolver that can kill any demon. If you find that gun your chances of beating Crowley go from none to slim. Without that gun, you're both dead."

"Any idea where to find this gun?"

"Last time it was seen was in a place called Carthage Missouri. Two good friends of mine lost their lives behind it: a pretty young woman like yourself and her mama."

So, the gun Benson mentioned wasn't a fairytale but what use was something we probably couldn't find. I thanked him and left the table trying not to let my shoulder's sag.

"What did he say?"

I took a moment to look at Olivia, to really look at her. She'd lost some weight. To say she looked tired though would be an understatement. Shadows were making a permanent residence under her eyes. I can't imagine that she is getting very much sleep at night. I couldn't bear to give her more bad news so I let my body language do most of the talking.

"That good, huh?"

I wouldn't consider myself to be the sentimental type but I wrapped my arms gently around her. I could tell that she was surprised by the contact but her arms eventually encircled around me too.

I wish that I could have held on forever.

* * *

We rented a hotel room instead of making the long drive back to New York. I was just too tired, physically and mentally, to face my life or what was left of it. Abbie was quiet. I think she is taking this even harder than I am. I wish that she would open up and tell me about her past. Maybe I could even tell her about my time in hell before it's too late.

The room was small but neat and cozy with one oversized California King Bed and a refrigerator.

Once we were safely inside the room Abbie placed a line of salt in front of the door.

I didn't even have a chance to start unpacking a few clothes before Abbie wanted to talk more strategy, "I guess our only option is to find this gun. We could start in Missouri where it was last seen and go from there."

"You have got to be joking. We can't go across the country searching for some gun that may not even exist."

"We have to at least try," Abbie said softly.

"You have a life too," I argued, "What about your job? What about Serena."

"I don't have all the answers right now!"

I weighed down a spot on the bed next to her, "I'm dead and we both know it. I think I have known from the moment I kissed that demon."

"Don't say that," Abbie protested furiously," You can't...I won't let..."

I quickly shushed her," You have done everything possible and so much more. I have to accept the consequences of what I did. My heart was absolutely in the right place but what I did was evil; I know that now."

"What am I supposed to do? Just let you to die?"

"I don't really see very many other options."

She chuckled bitterly, "That sounds really heroic but you won't stand a chance against that hell hound."

"Abbie-"

Her lips crushed into me but this time there was no doubt in my mind what her intentions were. Before my senses came to me I responded with equal ferocity. Maybe it's because I knew that I was dead and I didn't care anymore. Maybe it's because my feelings for her have changed. I felt my hands traveling up her spine reaching to unclasp her bra strap….

I froze.

What the fuck am I doing?

"I can't do this." I roughly pushed Abbie away and put some distance between us. The bed suddenly seemed too small. I just might be sleeping on the floor tonight.

"What's wrong? You're not attracted to me?" Abbie purred crawling towards me.

"I'm not dead yet," I said dryly avoiding eye contact.

She rubbed my shoulders, "What's the problem then?"

I not so subtly moved away again, "The problem is that I'm married to Alex. I took vows that I don't necessarily want to break at the first sign of temptation."

Abbie chuckled darkly, "How can you stay loyal to her? She left you."

"It was for work."

"She volunteered to go!" Abbie hissed. "You're here dying while she's on some Safari."

"She doesn't know that I'm dying. That's kind of the point of all this," I said looking away.

I looked up again to see that Abbie had the same look on her face the night of Branch's party, "You haven't completely forgiven her for everything have you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Like a true shark attorney Abbie smelled blood and went for the kill, "Of course you haven't completely forgiven her. You and Cabot couldn't have been back together for more than three months before getting married."

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"Let me refresh your memory. While she was lying cold in the hospital you offered up your own soul to bring her back to life. How did she repay you? She fucking abandoned you!"

"She didn't know, Abbie."

My voice broke on the last sentence. I hated her for making me do that.

"Hell hounds are coming to rip you apart and drag your soul back to hell for eternity! Cabot should be here at your side! You deserve better than to die alone on some dirt road."

"Alex can never know."

"Not if I have anything to say about it. So help me if you die I will tell her myself."

"Alex will never believe you. She'll think you're crazy!"

"Then I'll show her."

"That's not your call to make. This is my life, it's my choice."

"You won't have the choice to make anymore. You'll be dead."

"All this because I won't sleep with you?!" I demanded. Is she black mailing me? "I thought you were my friend?"

"This is more than about sex, Benson."

"You have always hated Alex! Why do you want to make her suffer? She has done nothing wrong to you."

"Alex isn't exactly sprinkling rose pedals at my feet, now is she? She's the one still angry because I exposed her dirty little secret.

"Please, just promise me that you won't tell her."

I didn't want Alex to have to go through any of this. I can't understand how Abbie would willingly inflict this on another person even one she hated. I wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemy.

"Don't expect me to stick around while sacrifice yourself. You'll die alone."

I should be used to Abbie throwing hateful words my way by now but it still hurts. Her words have cut me deep.

"I'm already dead," I said darkly.

Abbie swept her hand and furiously knocked a lamp off the night stand shattering it into hundreds of tiny pieces. I prepared myself for a fight but she stormed towards the door instead. I didn't flinch when the door slammed and rebounded open again.

Hours passed and she still hadn't returned to the hotel room. Despite everything I still worried about her. I just hope she didn't do anything stupid like summon another demon.

* * *

I can't believe I acted like that.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I was just going to cheat on Serena. I didn't even think about her. Why can't I ever see what is right in front of me? Why do I always want the most what I can't have?

I don't have any of the answers right now. All I know is I can't share a hotel room with Benson right now. I'm too fucking angry and embarrassed. My pride is more hurt than anything else. Nothing like throwing yourself at a person only to be rejected.

I ended up falling asleep in the truck; right after crying my eyes out first. Some hunter I'm turning out to be. My dad would be so proud.

When morning finally came around I went back inside the room to get Olivia. She was thankfully dressed and ready to go. I showered and changed clothes and left some money for the broken lamp.

We didn't speak at all on the ride back. Six miserable hours of silence. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was. How much I loved her. I'm a coward. I let her leave without saying any of those things. I know that I will probably live to regret that decision.

My faith has been shaken like never before. If hell had a place for Olivia then the rest of us were surely doomed. I tried my best to forget about her. I put most of the weapons and books back in storage. I even went back to work. I keep telling myself that there was nothing I could do for her. Without that gun, we didn't stand a chance.

Pride had nothing to do with it.

Am I really going to let her die alone?

I rained all week long adding more gloom to my sullen mood. Serena canceled our plans for the night to my deep disappointment. I tried not to sulk on the way home but I was looking forward to spending time with her. I grabbed takeout and opted to spend my night in front of the television.

The rain picked up momentum outside. I dozed off watching one of those inaccurate procedural cop shows. A powerful bolt of lightning jerked me awake on the couch.

I wasn't alone.

Without thinking my hand flew under the couch cushion and felt the cold steel of a pistol. I flicked the safety off and aimed it at the intruder standing in the center of my living room. My eyes flicked over to see the salt line that I set near the front door still intact.

"How did you get in here? Who are you?!"

The intruder was a woman blocking the TV. She was slightly taller than me strutting a full length dark trench coat and boots. I was pretty sure that she wasn't a demon. Ever since my encounter with the crossroads demon I always cover every entrance with a line of salt or iron. There is no way one could have sneaked passed.

"I love this show," she replied absently.

Her voice was familiar. Where have I heard it from?

I nudged the pistol against the intruder's back, "Last chance before I start shooting. Who are you?!"

I impatiently spun the woman around and gasped, "…N…Novak?"

There was no doubt in my mind that Casey Novak was standing in my living room. I stepped back wiping sweat from my forehead with a shaky hand. From what I could see there weren't any signs of forced entry. How in the hell did she get in here?

"I don't have long to talk." She hurried to the window and peaked through the blinds. "Time is a factor."

"How did you get in this apartment?" I raised the gun, "I will shoot Novak…you did ruin my favorite dress." I pulled back the hammer to show her I was serious.

"Olivia was counting on your help. You abandoned her," she accused me.

I didn't let my surprise show, "There is nothing else that I can do for her. She made her choice."

"You have always been selfish, Abbie," Casey said shaking her head disapprovingly, "Time to grow up."

My hand tightened on the grip. Maybe she doesn't realize that I have a loaded gun pointed at her face, "Selfish? I have done everything in my power to help Benson. I put my life on the line!"

"Yes, but you do it with such contempt," Casey pointed out.

"Benson never gave a damn about me! Why should I keep caring?"

"She loves you Abbie; just not in the way you want her to," Casey said wisely.

I miss it when she was trying to be a dumb blonde.

How does she know these things? Has she been watching us somehow?

The gun fell to my side as I let her words sink in. My conscious weighed down heavily on me. Why did I just leave her to die like that?

"Tell me what do Casey. How can I make things right?"

"Have faith."

That's it? Is that why she snuck into my apartment? To have faith? We are years passed faith, Novak. We need a freaking miracle.

I lashed out, "I have done everything possible to stop those demons! They are always one step ahead of us!

"Not everything."

Casey slowly reached inside of her trench coat to produce a revolver. She placed the weapon inside my violently shaking hands. There was no question in my mind as to what I was holding. The barrel was an onyx color with an ornate glossy finish, a silver cylinder and an engraved oak grip.

"Is this…."

She tossed me a clip, "You have a full chamber and an extra clip. Conserve your ammo. Use this to kill the demon that holds Olivia's contract."

A bolt of lightning exploded outside. The power shut down completely and sprang to life again as the backup generators set in.

A man seemingly appeared out of nowhere crouched near the exit to my apartment and slowly rose to his feet. The Colt was pointed at him before he could even look in my direction.

"What the fu-"

"Wait!" Casey exclaimed stepping in lethal range of the gun. "He's my brother!"

I was amazed at how many similar features Casey shared with her brother. He was pretty good looking with the same bright hair and eyes. What the hell he was doing in my living room now?

Completely ignoring me Casey rushed to his side, "Carl?"

He shook his head slowly eyes emotionless. A shiver ran down my spine. Casey froze in mid stride her face turning pale. She clutched a hand to her chest, "My father?! Where is my father?!"

His head moved back and forth.

A small cry escaped her lips and I saw Casey squeeze her eyes shut, "Did he suffer?" she whispered.

"No," Carl replied stoically, "He went peacefully but we have to leave…. now."

The bastard didn't even show an ounce of remorse. Making a brass decision I quickly grabbed the redhead and slung her behind me, "She's not going anywhere with you."

"We don't have time for this," said Carl walking towards me. "She is in serious danger."

I pointed the gun at him to stop his pursuit, "I'll protect her with this."

Casey put a hand on top of mine lowering the revolver, "Abbie, I have to go with him."

"Are you sure?"

"This is my fate," she said bowing her head sadly. "There is nothing I can do to change it."

I started to protest but another bolt of lightning rock my apartment. The lights dimmed and recovered again.

Casey was gone.

* * *

I stumbled from bed as the knocking became more frantic and persistent. I snatched my 9mm off the nightstand and hurried to the door. Quietly glancing through the peep hole, I saw Abbie soaking wet to the bone standing in the hallway.

I silently debated on whether I should open the door or not.

"I know you're there Benson," the Texan called looking blindly through the peep hole.

I sighed and unlocked the door, "Do you know what time it is?"

She stepped inside shivering and looked me straight in the eyes, "I'm sorry Liv, for everything."

"You came all this way to tell me that?"

Abbie crossed her arms barely able to contain her trembling, "Y... yes."

"You could catch pneumonia out here."

I went to grab her a few towels to dry off with and a fresh pair of clothes. Before she changed Abbie took a gun from her jacket and held it out to me, "You don't want to know."

I tossed her a few towels and took the strange gun away, "Is this...?"

"Is this your ticket to salvation? Yes, it is," she grinned.

I felt my blood run cold, "Where did you get this?"

"A friend."

"Abbie-"

"Liv, I can't tell you. I didn't do anything stupid or dangerous to get and I didn't sell my soul. You'll just have to trust that it came from a friend," Abbie explained, "Do you trust me?"

Abbie was one of the few people I have been able to rely on. Did I trust her with my life? Absolutely. Would I trust her to share a bed with while we were drunk? Hell no.

"What do you say we test it out?"

* * *

Those two dykes snatched off the blindfold and I growled at them. I don't know how long I have been locked in this warehouse but I'm getting bored. The first mistake either one of them makes will be their last.

"You lied to us. Amy never owned my soul, did she?" the butchy one asked.

I shrugged as best as I could and smirked, "My mistake. What are you going to do bitch? Send me back to hell? Go ahead; I'll just crawl my way out again."

The more feminine one spoke, "We have a surprise for you, darling; a little going away present of sorts."

"Give me your best shot." I said arrogantly. Humans are so stupid.

And then I saw it.

"W..Where did you get that?" That can't be the gun. It can't be.

She pulled the hammer back, "Wait!" I pleaded. "Give me another chance! I can help you."

"You are helping us by being the first guinea pig."

Her finger covered the trigger preparing to squeeze, "WAIT! Please, the man I'm possessing is still alive inside me. He could survive if you get him medical attention!" I lied. She slowly lowered the gun and I sighed with relief, "You made the right choice."

"I'm sorry."

NO!

She raised the gun to my forehead. I saw the butch put a hand over hers to hold the trigger at the same time. They squeezed it together.

How fucking lovely.

The world turned black.


	10. Six Months Left

A Deal to Die For

Chapter 10: Six Months Left…

When a demon dies its entire body seems to explode with electric orange light. The light flickers brightly and dims until there is nothing left but the empty shell of a human being who died with it.

I notice a bloody skull fragment stuck to my boot and casually flicked it away. I tucked the demon killing gun back safely inside my jacket.

"We have to get rid of this body, Abbie."

Together we untied the corpse and lowered him to the ground. I searched his pockets and found a wrinkled twenty-dollar bill but no identification.

"Do you think that demon was telling the truth?" the attorney asked smoothing down the victim's hair.

"About what?" I grunted stuffing the money into my pocket.

"About the kid still being alive before we pulled the trigger."

I _should f_ eel guilty.

I _know_ that.

Something is wrong with me.

I shrug off her question, "Demons lie all the time, and you know that. Even so, there was nothing we could have done for him."

"You can at least pretend to give a damn! We didn't even know this kid. He didn't ask to be dragged into this!"

"We kept him captured for weeks and I tortured him," I replied dryly, "How in the hell were we supposed to explain that to the cops or to a doctor?"

" _We could have exorcised the demon and dropped him off at an emergency room."_

Abbie was probably thinking the same thing. I could already see the shadow of doubt forming behind her eyes.

"Let's just get this over with, alright?"

As Abbie began trying to mop up all the blood one thought crossed my mind. Our fingerprints and DNA are all over this warehouse. There is no way we could remove every trace of it. There could only one option.

Burn it.

"We're going to have to burn this place to the ground, it's the only way."

"We can't _burn_ down a building, Benson!" Abbie argued.

"Do you have a better idea? We both know what happens if they find our DNA here. Do you want to take that chance?"

She grumbled, "Well, I guess that would save us the trouble of finding a place to hide his body."

I was right and she knew it. She just hated to admit it.

"Let's get the gasoline."

* * *

The flames from the warehouse burned hot and fast. Not as hot as hell but enough to drive us away for good. I heard sirens in the distance and pressed harder on the pedal. My mind keeps going back to that kid that we left to burn and the woman from the crossroads. I'm raking up quite the body count now.

All in the name of love.

At that moment, I hated Alex more than I ever have. Even when in the back of my mind I reasoned that she couldn't have possibly asked for any of this to happen, I still hated her. I hated her because she didn't have the blood of innocents on her hands. Most of all, I hated her because she has _everything_ except for this burden to carry.

On the way home, we stopped by the storage and took the boxes filled with my father's weapons and books out again. We eventually arrived back at my apartment where I fell back limply on the couch.

"Here drink this."

I took the amber liquor offered to me without much hesitation and took a strong drink. I closed my eyes letting images of the two dead strangers melt away. When the glass was empty, I placed it aside and the hunter in me took back control.

"We need to find as much information as we can about this demon before we hunt."

"That hunter in the bar told me that Crowley was the King of Hell. We only get one shot at this, Benson. If we go in halfcocked we're both dead."

'What do u want me to do?'

"I want you to train, memorize the exorcism spell and the Devil's trap drawing."

She nodded, "When do we do this?"

I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding in, "I need until the end of the month to get my affairs in order...in case...in case..."

She put a hand against my shoulder, "Stop. Start thinking about getting killed and that's what will happen."

"I'm not married like you, I need a will in case something happens to me. I can't let my father's stuff go to some stranger."

"Fine, but no funeral arrangements. Think positive, alright?"

"Alright."

She filled my glass again and I took a quick swallow, "There's something else."

Benson gave me her full attention while I struggled with the blow I was about to deliver, "After this is over, if we survive... I'm quitting my job to go on the road full time. I'm going to be a hunter.'

She stared at me as if I had sprouted another head, "Are you joking?"

I held up my chin, "No, I'm not."

Benson shot up pacing quickly in front of me, "You are going to get yourself killed, Abbie!"

"My mind is made up," I said firmly.

"What about Serena? You're just going to leave her?"

I already thought about explaining everything and asking her to come on the road with me. She would think I was crazy at first but I could show her. I could make her understand. After that, if I asked Serena to go on the road with me I know she would come in a second.

Only, I wouldn't let her.

The road was no place for her. If anything happened to her…If she got hurt…There is no way I could ever forgive myself.

"I'll tell Serena that I'm moving back home to Texas to start my life back over again."

"A life without her…a life without me," she said accusingly.

So, she knew.

I sighed, "I can't be around you anymore. That's why I never came back to New York before and that's why I'm leaving again now."

"I thought we were friends."

"It's better this way. You'll never have to see me again after this is over."

Both of her hands were tightly balled into fists, "You have always been fucking selfish!"

I refused to be baited with another guilt trip tonight about my selfishness. It's funny how I'm the one being selfish but out here putting my neck on the line.

"I could use another drink," I said holding up my empty glass and trying to break the tension in the room.

Instead of a refill, she gave me an angry glare instead.

I accepted defeat, "I guess I'll just go to bed."

As I walked past Benson roughly grabbed my arm, "I wasn't done talking to you."

"But I was done talking to you," I said gritting my teeth as her fingernails dug into my flesh. "I suggest that you let go of my arm unless you're itching for another beating."

I felt her fingers loosen letting the blood rush back into my arm, "You can't just walk away. Not after everything, Abbie."

Why was she so suddenly against me leaving? It's not like she was going to be lonely anymore, Alex was bound to come back eventually.

"My mind is made up."

"I just don't understand you! You were always willing to throw everything away on a limb. Serena is not just going to keep waiting on you to come around!"

"Like you did? You never waited for me!" I blurted out.

It has become very hard to read her these days but I thought I saw an instant of surprise and guilt before she covered it with anger, "You left me for DC, remember?"

"That didn't stop you from taking Alex back! She left you for Robert, Jim and God knows how many others! What was so damn special about her?!"

"Why are you trying to hurt me?" she demanded.

"I'm not trying to hurt you damn-it. Are you just too stupid to see that I'm in love with you?!"

I held my breath. What had just possessed me to say that? Suspicion was one thing but I just _threw_ everything out there.

Benson simply scoffed as if she had known the truth all along, "You don't love anyone but yourself."

Traitorous tears escaped my eyes, "If I didn't love you I wouldn't be here right now!"

Hunters don't cry. My father never did. He spent his golden years chasing shadows on back roads. Now, I would spend my life the same way.

I quickly dried my eyes with the back of hand, "It doesn't matter."

Olivia features visibly softened, "Abbie, you know I love you too but it just wasn't meant to be. I can't leave Alex, she means everything to me."

"You could have us both."

I hated myself as soon as the words came out. I know that I've stooped low when I'm willing to come in second place to Cabot.

"Is that what you really want?" I swallowed and nodded suddenly unable to find my voice.

Is she really saying what I think she is?

She smirked and came within inches of our lips touching. I closed my eyes and then she whispered, "It wouldn't even cost you anything Abbie, not for 8 whole years."

My eyes snapped opened to find Benson staring at me with an amused expression on her face. I shoved her hard away from me, "That is nothing joke about!"

"Everything comes at a price."

Embarrassed, hurt and pissed off, I lunged for Olivia to rip that stupid grin off her face. A few seconds later, I found myself slammed on the carpet with the wind knock from my lungs.

Benson pinned my shoulders to the ground, "You didn't think I would let you kick my ass, again did you?!"

I struggled uselessly pinned underneath her. I might have been more skilled but Olivia was physically stronger and heavier, "Let go of me!" I screamed.

"Not until you calm down."

After I saw that she wasn't going to let me go, I stopped struggling. She didn't unpin me right away and I waited to see what her next move would be.

"Abbie, I want you to understand something," she said after a moment of silence. "There would be no spending the night together, no holidays and we couldn't be seen out in public together."

"It doesn't matter," I said again.

"One day it will."

My heart felt like it was skipping a beat. Was she saying what I think she was?

"Why are you doing this?"

Olivia took a strand of my hair and gently ran her fingers down the length of it, "I'm doing this for you." Her eyes were sad, "I owe you…everything."

I shoved her hard and tried to sit up, "I don't need some pity fuck from you!"

"It's not pity," was all she replied stroking my cheek.

"Then what is it…do you love me?"

"Abbie, I…."

Olivia stopped when her cellphone suddenly chimed. I sighed with both frustration and relief. I'm not sure if I'm ready to hear the answer to that question yet.

"This discussion isn't over yet. "

My mind was still made up about becoming a hunter and there was nothing she could do or say to change it. For the last few years as I was practicing law I felt something missing. Throwing some pedophile in prison for a few years only to release him to do the same thing is not my idea of justice. As a hunter, I could make a real difference. There wouldn't be any red tape holding me back. Hunters destroyed evil. Period.

"Alex?"

I saw a bright smile cover her face, the first I've literally seen in weeks. The kind of smile that reached her eyes and made them shine. I immediately felt my chest tightened with anger and resentment. This is the reason I have to leave. I can't live the rest of my life this way.

Things suddenly take a turn for the worst. The smile melted from her face and her eyes darted back and forth with panic, "Alex? What's wrong?"

She kept repeating her name and apparently getting no response. After a moment, she took the phone away from her ear with a look of absolute devastation.

"What happened?" I asked trying to sound concerned. On the inside, I could care less. She should be _here,_ not _there_.

Benson struggled to talk, her entire body seemed to tremble, "It was Alex, I heard her scream my name and then…then she was gone. The call dropped."

"What about the caller ID? Why don't you try calling back?"

"The number was unavailable; I can't call back. What if she…." Olivia placed a palm against her mouth as if she wanted to throw up. "What if she's hurt?"

"I'll get you a drink," was the only bit of sympathy I could muster.

I hurried into the kitchen to pour a glass of the scotch I keep handy. When I came back, I found Olivia down on the floor twitching violently.

"Liv!" I screamed feeling the glass slip from my hand to shatter. I ran the rest of the way and dropped to the ground at her side. I quickly took her convulsing body in my arms holding on tightly. Her eyes were wide open but she was unresponsive.

I grabbed her phone to call for help but I paused before dialing the last '1'. My apartment was covered in salt and Devil's Traps on the ceiling. There were boxes of illegal weapons scattered in my living room. This could potentially mean a lot of trouble for the both of us.

After the convulsions stopped, her eyes closed and her breathing returned to normal. I was powerless to do anything but hold her and hope she would come to.

"Please Liv, come back to me," I whispered.

I managed to drag Olivia on to couch after my back couldn't take the floor anymore. I must have drifted off because I woke up suddenly to the annoying sound of a phone ringing.

"Hello?" I asked sleepily in to the receiver.

"Who in the hell is this?" a vaguely familiar irate voice on the other end demanded.

"Abbie Carmichael, who is this?"

"This is Alex speaking! What are you doing in my house so late Carmichael? Where is my wife?!" I took the phone away from my ear while she was yelling.

The bitch was fine.

I smirked, "I'm not in your house, Cabot. I'm in the comfort of my own home."

"Put Olivia on the phone!"

Olivia's head rested on my lap where she hadn't moved for the last few hours. What was I supposed to tell her?

"Olivia is passed out drunk on my couch. I'm afraid she can't come to the phone right now."

There was a long moment of silence on the other end. I almost fell asleep again when I heard Cabot speak again, "I'll call back in the afternoon."

She hung up in my ear.

I just hope Benson is awake by then….

* * *

_So much pain._

_So much suffering._

_No hope._

_No future._

_Remember, you're mine._

"Alex!"

I finally wake up gasping for air with sweat trickling down my neck. A glass of water is practically shoved in my hand and I drank from it greedily spilling some of the liquid down my shirt.

"Alex…"

I felt a hand smoothing down my hair and Abbie's voice, "She called back not long after you passed out. She was fine."

_Remember, you're mine._

"When I woke up, I was back in Hell again. I…I was down there for weeks."

"How?!" Abbie exclaimed.

I shook my head, "I don't know. When I thought Alex was hurt it was like something inside me was slipping. The next thing I knew I was back in Hell…. You can fill that glass with scotch now."

Abbie didn't argue with me and I was grateful. I finished the scotch off as quickly as I had the water and fell slightly better. She told me that Alex would call back in the afternoon so there was nothing left to do but wait for her.

Even though I was exhausted, I didn't dare close my eyes again for fear of nightmares. After I waited and waited for what seemed like forever my phone finally rang. Abbie got up and left the room

"Alex?!"

I heard her sweet voice on the other end, "Liv, I'm so happy to hear your voice. You just don't know what I've been through."

"What happened? Are you hurt? Why did you yell my name last night? You scared the shit out of me." I asked

"I'm sorry, I was just so happy to hear that you were okay."

What in the hell? Why would Alex think something happened to me? "What do you mean sweetheart? I've been here this entire time."

"A call came in from Elliot…he told me you were _dead_ ," her voice broke on the other end. I spent the next few minutes trying to calm her down.

"Tell me what happened, Alex. Elliot told you I was dead?" I asked trying to wrap my mind around the entire thing. Could I still be in hell?

"Yes," Alex sniffled. "I spoke to Elliot on the phone. He said that he had been trying to reach me for weeks. He said that you were shot by a suspect and died on the way to the hospital." "I called just to hear the sound of your voice on the voicemail. I didn't expect you to actually pick up."

That son of a bitch. I'll kill him.

"Liv, I'll have Elliot's badge for this."

I hesitated only for a second, "Take it."

"I'm coming home soon-"

As much as my heart was overjoyed it was too soon for Alex to be home. Abbie and I still had Crowley to get through. I didn't want her anywhere near when we did.

"Alex, I'm fine. I don't want you coming all the way back just for Elliot. I can handle things," I countered.

"I'm coming back for you! We haven't been together since our honeymoon. I can't help but feel guilty that I'm missing the first year of our marriage. I miss you."

"I miss you too." I guess it's on to Plan B now. Whatever that is.

"Liv, can I ask you a question and promise me you won't get angry."

"You can ask me anything."

"What are you doing spending the night in Abbie Carmichael's apartment?"

Oh shit.

"I had a little too much to drink and I couldn't make it home," I said thinking quickly.

Silence.

"Have you been going to therapy like you promised?"

I already have too many lies to keep up with. For once, I'll just have to tell the truth, "No, I haven't gone."

Silence.

"I'll be home next week. I love you, "Alex's voice replied suddenly tense.

"I love you too."

She hung up.

* * *

"You're going to get us both of killed!"

We've been arguing over this for the last few days. Since Cabot is coming back any day now, Benson wants to go after the demon before she arrives. I keep telling her that we can't rush this. Demon killing gun or not, Crowley is too powerful to go after on a limb.

"What are we waiting for Abbie?" Benson demanded. "I memorized that damn spell and the Devil's Trap! It's now or never! I'm not doing this with Alex back in town. What if the demon goes after her?!"

"You think a demon couldn't get to her in Africa!" I hissed. "She's safer here with us behind a line of salt then halfway across the world!"

"I already told you a thousand goddamn times! We are not involving Alex in this!" Olivia screamed.

She is even worse now since the second trip back from hell. The drinking and the nightmares just don't seem to stop. Even now, she can barely contain her anger without exploding. I must stay calm and try to reason with her.

"You're fooling yourself, Cabot is already involved in this! A crossroad demon doesn't forget about a debt, ever. "

While we're arguing I'm painstakingly making salt rounds for the shot guns. I want to make enough for an entire army to have ammo. Benson just paced in front of the table like a caged animal.

"I'm going after this demon with or without you, Abbie."

I slammed my fist down on the table knocking some of the shells to the floor, "You're letting panic and love blind you."

"What the hell do you know about it, Abbie? " Benson sneered. "It's not your soul on the line; it's not Serena."

The mention of Serena's name almost made my vision go red again like it had when the crossroads demon said it. Damn right this wasn't happening to Serena. She wouldn't be stupid enough to go and get herself killed. Even if she were stupid enough, I would never let that happen.

"Leave Serena out of this."

Benson must have noticed how tense I became because she paused in mid pace. She gazed down at me with a peculiar expression on her face, "You're in love with her and just too stubborn to accept it."

I froze trying to think of some clever retort but soon gave up when nothing fitting came to me, "Don't change the subject."

She didn't press the issue and for that I was grateful. I would have plenty of time to contemplate after this thing is over. If I managed to survive, that is.

"I say we stick to the original plan and go after Crowley at the end of the month."

"No, there needs to be a new plan," Olivia argued, "I go after Crowley by the end of the week with or without you."

I'm tempted to call her bluff but stupid love and feelings get in the way.

I didn't like it. Every instinct in my body told me not to rush into this. After my fight with Amy, I knew that demons were not to be underestimated. Even with a plan she nearly tore me in half. I shudder to think what could have happened if I hadn't set that trap. I take a deep sigh inner sigh and swallow my fear. Hunters don't feel fear.

"I'll be ready by Friday."

* * *

Friday.

I didn't get very much sleep last night but I still feel energized. Today is the day I finally get my soul back. Abbie and I found another abandoned warehouse in the Bronx. As soon as the sun goes down that demon is as good as dead.

Around noon we meet at my old apartment to load the guns with rock salt and fill a few bottles with holy water. Things look like they might be going smoothly when my cell phone rings.

"Benson." I haven't been able to stop myself from answering the phone that way.

"Baby, where are you? My plane just arrived at JFK. I want to see you."

My heart felt like it fell into my chest. If I met with Alex now, I knew there was no way I could get away from her for the rest of the day. I had to think of something and fast

"Alex, I'm working," I lied smoothly.

"I know but I could come and visit you for a while."

"I have at least a dozen leads to check on and a stack of paper work. I'll see you tonight, Alex. I promise."

"Okay," she replied sounding disappointed," I love you."

I hated myself.

"Me too."

I hung up.

"Wow, I almost believed that lie myself," said Abbie slyly.

"Shut-up," I muttered.

We spent the next few hours covering the warehouse with as many Devil's Traps that would fit. When that demon arrived, he would have nowhere to go. He can either let me out of my deal or die. His choice.

The sun goes down.

Abbie mixed the ingredients into the bowl to get ready for the summoning. I'm ready. My adrenaline is pumped. The demon killing gun is in my hand ready to fire at will. Abbie pricks her finger and flings blood into the bowl. She quickly strikes a wooden match and throws it in.

My phone went off.

The Texan turned around giving me the dirtiest look possible, "What the hell is going on?"

"Sorry." I mouthed checking the caller-id. Shit, it's Alex.

"What is it, Alex?" I asked impatiently.

"Is that how you answer the phone when your wife calls?"

I rolled my eyes, "I'm sorry, now what is it?"

"Where are you?!" she demanded.

"I told you I'm worki—"

"Don't lie to me again! I stopped by the precinct today just to 'surprise' you. Little did I know what a surprise I was in for! You haven't been to work in _weeks!_ Where have you been?!"

"I…I…"

"Benson, hang up that god-damned phone now, right now!" Abbie yelled. "You're going to get us both killed you stupid bitch!"

"Who in the hell was that? Was that _Abbie? Abbie Carmichael_."

"Alex, I have to go!" I said frantically.

"Don't hang up this phone! I'm your wife damn it! Are you sleeping with her?"

"Hang up the phone, Olivia," Abbie's voice said suddenly calm. Something about the way she said it made me take the phone away from my ear. I glanced around the warehouse and nearly pissed myself. The dozens of devil's traps we drew all over the floor and ceilings were completely gone.

"What is going on, Abbie?"

She smiled brightly and her eyes flickered blood red. The phone fell from my hand and bounced on the floor. "No!" I screamed. "Get the hell out of her!" The demon flicked her hand and an invisible fist slammed into my chest knocking the breath from my lungs. I rolled backwards and sprang to my feet holding the Colt tightly in front of me.

"Let Abbie go and I won't kill you," I growled.

The demon smirked with Abbie's lips calling my bluff, "If you kill me, you kill her too."

My hands trembled violently, "Let her go and I'll go quietly."

"Abbie sent me back to hell not long ago. You're crazy if you think I'm going to just let her walk away from this unscathed."

"You're not going to touch her!"

"Ladies, please, let's not argue back in forth all night."

I turned from the demon possessing Abbie only to be surrounded by three more people who I am sure were demons. I know I'm dead. Now, it's just a matter of how many of them I can take with me.

I immediately identified the demon, Crowley. There was just something about him that seemed familiar. He was possessing a middle-aged man with thinning hair. Probably, a stock broker or some poor bastard who could afford a tailor-made suit. I didn't feel any fear for myself, only Abbie. Damn you Alex, you picked the worst time possible to call.

I grinned despite being vastly outnumbered, even with the Colt, "So, you're the bastard that owns my soul?"

"You'll have to be more specific, Love. I own a great many of souls," Crowley replied calmly with an English accent.

"Olivia Benson," I growled.

"I don't recall."

Demons lie all the time but something told me he was telling the truth. Abbie said that the demons have plans for me but he had no idea what's going on. Maybe he isn't as all powerful as he thinks.

Smug bastard.

"Master, I handled the deal myself. Everything was fair," red eyes said, "She knew the consequences from the start. I brought back her girlfriend from the dead and now she has to pay."

"I wouldn't call dragging my soul to hell fair!" I snapped pointing the gun at her again.

"You knew!" red eyes seethed.

I pulled back the hammer of the gun. If she weren't inside Abbie's body right now she would have been long dead.

"I really don't have the time for any of this. As you know I have a business to run. Time is souls, "Crowley interrupted. "Kill the girlfriend in front of her, make her suffer. Afterwards, drag soul her down to hell for the real fun to begin."

As soon as the words left his mouth I fired. The only problem is that he had disappeared completely leaving the two goons behind. I fired another quick shot and dropped one of them. The other demon threw back its head and screamed black smoke into the ceiling evacuating the human it possessed.

That just left me and the red eyed demon.

I pointed the gun directly at her head. She didn't try to move but I knew there was no way she would just stand there and let me exorcise her, "I'm so sorry, Abbie."

She kept smiling.

My finger trembled on the trigger, "I should have listened to you."

"She loves you," replied the demon delivering a low blow.

"I know," I said feeling tears escaping from my eyes. I finally let the gun drop to my side. After everything, I just couldn't hurt her.

I quickly brought the gun up to own head and squeezed my eyes shut. Before I could pull the trigger, I felt my hand seize up. I opened my eyes just in time to see a cloud of black smoke forcing its way down my throat. I tried to fight as it took control of my body but the demon was just too powerful.

I was just too weak.

"We always win, Olivia," red eyes taunted.

Just to prove her point she grabbed Abbie's knife from the table plunging it into her neck. I tried to scream feeling horror and anguish overwhelm me but I was no longer in control. I couldn't make a sound. I couldn't even shed a tear. I was trapped inside my own body.

Now, Abbie was dead.

"You heard what Crowley said," red eyes ordered to the demon inside of me, "Find Alex Cabot and make her suffer before she dies."

God no.

"Where are you going?" my voice asked.

She grinned, "I'm going to visit Serena Southerlyn."

_Abbie…._

_You can't be dead. You can't be…_

_I can't even mourn your death. I'm filled with overwhelming sorrow but I can't release it. It's almost like drowning from inside my own mind._

_This is all just a nightmare._

_When I wake up Abbie will still be alive. Alex and Serena will be safe…_

"Would you shut-up already!" the demon controlling my body snapped. "You're starting to depress the hell out of me!"

I felt my rage boil hot like magma. If I could I would have torn him apart from the inside out. Instead, I've been subjected to his constant mental torture.

"Tsk...Tsk. if you aren't careful I just might not let you watch the fun I have with Alex later," he mocked.

" _Stay the hell away from her!"_

"Crowley didn't say I couldn't have a little fun while I'm here before I handle business."

At least, that brought Alex more time. I loathed to think what his idea of 'fun' could be. I only knew that more innocent people would become hurt.

_This is all my fault._

The demon could hear my every thought and feel my every emotion. It could access all my memories: happy, sad, and even intimate ones.

Every single one.

"You should consider yourself lucky. I'm not as skilled with torture as Amy. She is one trained by the great Alistair himself," the demon practically beamed with pride.

I would have shuddered if he weren't controlling my every instinct. I hate to think of the sick things red eyes has planned for Serena. Abbie would be forced to watch the entire thing knowing that once the demon left her body she would die.

_God…_

_I have never prayed before now but if anyone is listening please help me._

_Please._

I felt my lips forming into a grin, "God can't help you now, sweetheart."

* * *

I opened my eyes after a restless sleep only to be greeted by another disgusting cockroach. I let out a breath of frustration. A few months ago, I would have totally freaked out. Now, I just brush the damn things away. This is just number one on a list of the dozens of sleazy motels I have been reduced to keep a roof over my head. At least the bed was comfortable. I cringe to think of the last time the sheets and comforters were washed, which is why I fell asleep fully clothed. I never allow myself to get comfortable. I just have to be ready to leave on a moment's notice.

As usual when I wake up, _he is_ standing over the bed holding a bag of something he expects me to eat. It's probably McDonald's burgers and fries, again.

"No, thank you."

He nods and stiffly walks over to the nightstand setting the bag down, "This is the third day you have refused sustenance. You must keep your strength up."

" _What's the point?"_ I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and sit up, "I don't even have any money left."

I have been out of work for a while now. Moving from place to place on a constant basis has pretty much bankrupted me. I don't know what I'm going to do.

"Have faith. I will provide," Carl replied. I mentally shake myself.

No, he's not my brother. He is not Carl.

Not anymore.

It's just so hard. He looks like him. Smells like him. He is even wearing his clothes but I have to accept that my brother is gone. Carl's skin is already starting to peel away, even faster than my father's had. His once handsome face is covered with red splotches and burns. I'm all cried out now. Just numb.

When it's my time, I wonder how fast my skin will peel away.

He walked slowly to the queen-sized bed and sat down his back completely straight. Once he turns to look at me his eyes are almost sympathetic.

He rarely ever shows emotion.

"Your friends have confronted Crowley."

My heart leaps and I practically bounced from my seat, "What happened? Did they kill him?"

If and when that demon dies is the day I can go back to a normal life.

He shook his head slowly, "They have failed."

Just when I thought I was numb, the pain hits me hard in my chest, "Are they still alive?!" I exclaimed.

He paused, "The one called Abbie Carmichael is dead. Or she will be once the demon leaves her body."

My hand flew up to my mouth as I gasped, "Oh my God. What about Olivia? Is she still alive?"'

"Yes, but her body is being possessed by a demon," he said stoically.

I grabbed his bicep in a death grip, "We have to help them."

He glanced down to my arm then back up to my panicked face, "I cannot interfere. My strength falters day by day inside this vessel."

"Take me, please. Let me help her, "I replied feeling desperate.

"It is wise for you to stay away from Olivia Benson. I sensed a great disturbance within that woman. She is very unstable."

"Of course she is unstable! She's been to hell!" I said immediately in her defense.

"Nevertheless, my priority is to protect you, as I promised your father."

"Please," I choked back a sob, "We can't just let her die."

I waited in anxious silence for him to respond, "...I may know someone who can help."

I took a second to wipe tears from my eyes. When I looked up, he was gone.

I hate it when he does that.

* * *

The call with Olivia had abruptly ended. That was almost two days ago and I have not heard from her ever since. I tried calling back but only reached her voicemail. I'm angry with her but still worried. When the Captain told me that she hadn't gone to work in weeks, I knew something was deeply wrong. It seems like I came back just in time.

Not to mention, two FBI agents came by yesterday looking for her. They wouldn't give me any information. They only told me to call once she arrived.

What kind of trouble could she be in?

I wonder how far she has fallen off the wagon.

Drugs?

I should have anticipated the moment I left town that spiteful bitch Abbie Carmichael would sink her claws in. I have tried to reach Serena but even her phone is going straight to voicemail! I leave town for a few months and everything is in shambles.

What the hell is going?

If I don't hear from her by tomorrow I will have to file a missing person's report. The doorman told me that he hasn't seen her here in weeks. It's just not like her to come home.

Doesn't she miss me at all?

I pour myself a glass of wine to have alone with dinner. Once I finish eating, I decide to run myself a hot bath and soak in my misery. As I was getting started, I heard movement from the living room. I turned off the water and made my way back into the living room. The lock turned and the door knob slowly turns and opens. After worrying my head off for the last few days, Olivia just walks through the door like nothing happened. Her hair is shorter now just enough to frame her face. She's wearing a dark leather jacket, jeans and boots. She is even smiling.

I'm not smiling, not one bit, "Where have you been?"

She doesn't answer my question right away. Instead, she closes the distance between us. Her arm wraps around my shoulders and pull me into a kiss. I try to resist at first but I eventually melted into it.

I stop enjoying the kiss when Olivia grabbed a fist full of my hair and practically shoves her tongue down my throat. She gropes my backside pulling me even tighter against her.

After I can't stand it anymore I push her away in disgust, "What in the hell was that, Liv?"

She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand grinning, "I'm just happy to see you, that's all."

"Have you been drinking?" I asked impatiently.

"Not today," was her response.

"What has gotten into you?"

"I'm just excited to see you that's all, Alex."

I didn't smell any alcohol on her but something was not right. She has _never_ treated me that way before, "I was worried sick about you."

She shrugged throwing herself down on a chair at the kitchen table, "I'm fine, Alex."

"Where have you been? Why haven't you been going to work," I snapped.

"I just took a little vacation, babe. What's with the third degree?"

"The third degree? You come home two days late without calling me. On top of that, I find out that you have been basically spending all your time with Abbie Carmichael. What do you expect?"

Olivia grabbed my glass of wine and took a small sip, "This is good stuff."

I crossed my arms, "Don't try to change the subject."

She gestured towards a seat next to her, "Fine, have a seat babe, let's talk."

I reluctantly sit down and wait while she pours me another glass, "Before you say anything else, Alex, I have something to say too."

I cross my arms, "What, Liv?"

"How can I put this the right way?" Olivia replied gesturing between us, "This whole being 'married' to you…. isn't really working out for me anymore."

I blinked hard and my heart began to race, "Excuse me?"

The smile disappeared from her face completely, "I don't want you anymore Alex. I want a divorce."

"Wh... Why?" I stammered. Traitorous tears were already coming to my eyes. I can hardly believe what I'm hearing. She wants a divorce?

"It's a number of things really. The most important reason is I just don't love you. When you left for Africa, I realized how happy I was while you were away. Now, I just want to be rid of you for good," she said harshly.

"You can't possibly mean that."

"It's true Alex. I'm sorry but it's true." She stood up and poured my glass full again. "You look like you could use this more than I do."

The tears would not stop running down my face, "Why did you marry me then?"

She tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear, "I think even you can figure out the answer to that."

"Just tell me!" I practically screamed.

"It was the money, Alex. It has been for a long time now," Olivia said gently but there is a mischievous sort of glint in her eyes.

I shake my head in disbelief. This can't be true. I must be dreaming. How could I not have seen this? I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

"You aren't getting anything in the divorce. I'll make sure of it."

Olivia chuckled, "I don't remember signing any prenup, babe. I fucking own you and you know it! Maybe you should have listened to your mother after all. She _told_ you not to marry outside of money."

I stood up and slapped her as hard as I could. All this time wasted thinking that I had made a mistake. Thinking that she loved me. Suddenly, in a move I wasn't expecting her fist blurred and struck me across the face. She didn't hold back. I crumbled like a leaf to the floor. I saw stars on the ceiling and tasted blood in my mouth.

I laid on the ground dazed from the pain and the fact that she had actually hit me. She had _never_ hit me before. I thought she never could.

Apparently, I didn't know this woman at all.

* * *

_Stop it!_

_Please, stop hurting her!_

_Leave her alone!_

The awful things that demon said had really struck a blow to Alex. I could tell.

When she had slapped me, the demon didn't hesitate to floor her. It took her awhile to slowly lift herself up to a sitting position. She nursed on to her jaw staring up at me with hurt and disbelief.

"You hit me."

I could already see an angry bruise starting to form against her jaw. The demon was having the best time of its life and I just wanted mine to end. The demon easily lifted Alex from the floor and crushed our mouths together. I heard her whimper in pain but he held on. I tasted her blood in my mouth.

_Stop!_

"You are not yourself. I can see that now. You need help, baby," Alex said when the demon released her. It shoved her hard back to the ground.

"I still love you." My boot kicked her in the ribs like an animal. Alex groaned in pain clutching her abused side.

" _Stop it. You're hurting her! "_

Just to add to her humiliation the demon picked up the wine bottle and poured the rest over her, "You're pathetic! Get up and fight!"

When my boot came down to kick her again, I was surprised and grateful that she dodged. She kicked my shin hard sending me stumbling on to my back.

_Run, Alex!_

Even though I knew she couldn't hear me, I wanted her to get away. The demon was beyond pissed by that and it scrambled up ready to take blood. It grabbed her by the hair before she could escape, "You're going to pay for that, you blonde bitch!"

It gripped her kicking and screaming into the kitchen to grab a butcher knife off the counter.

" _NO!"_

"NO!" I heard myself scream.

Wait a minute…. I screamed?

I felt myself gasping for air and blood trickling from my nose. I released Alex and backed away from her. Far away from her. All the while I could still feel the demon inside me scratching and fighting to take control again. It was all I could do to keep him underneath the surface.

In a daze, I slowly stumbled over to the cabinet and found a box of salt. My hand shook violently but I managed to tip the box of salt into my mouth. I could see smoke radiating from my body. The demon weakened but he was still inside me and steadily gaining strength again.

"Liv, what are you doing!" Alex screamed from behind me. God, she must think I'm crazy.

No time to think about her now. I have to get this demon out of me. I don't know if I could regain control if it took over again.

I felt Alex grab my arm, "Liv, you aren't well."

I pushed her away from me, "Get away, Alex. It's not safe."

"You need help, Olivia."

I looked into her eyes for the first time since I regained control. My hand trembled and reached for her jaw, "Baby, look at your face." I knew at that moment that I couldn't protect her from this world any longer. I would have to tell her the truth, about everything.

I took what was left of the salt box and placed it in her hands, "Alex, just trust me please. I…I know the things I said but that wasn't me. There is a demon in my body, it wants to kill you. Go lock yourself in the bedroom and put a line of salt in front of the door. No matter what I say don't break the line and don't open the door."

Alex set the box of salt on the counter, "Liv, you're having a psychotic break down. I'm not going to lock myself in the bedroom this is ridiculous."

"Abbie is dead. Serena probably is too. Just do what I tell you to do!" I shouted.

Alex visibly jumped, "Serena is not dead! Do you hear yourself talking? Demons?"

"Alex please, I don't have time-," Before I could finish my sentence I felt my knees buckle. My limbs seized up and I fell face forward on the hard kitchen floor.

"Liv?"

"You should have listened to her," the demon said lifting my body off the floor again. Just like that he was back in control again and I was powerless. Quick as lightning he reached out and grabbed Alex by the throat lifting her from the ground. I could feel my hand tighten around her throat squeezing the air from her lungs.

"Liv, stop-can't breathe."

Her feet kicked uselessly as the demon proceeded to strangle the life from her. Just when I thought all hope was lost there was a loud pounding on the door. The demon's grip on Alex loosened slightly and my head snapped towards the door.

"Are you expecting company, bitch?"

The door burst open and two men in dark suits piled in with guns already drawn. The first one was huge around 6'4 or 6'5, with medium length dark hair and blue eyes. The second one was slightly shorter with spiky dark hair and menacing green eyes. I didn't recognize them but I was grateful for their presence.

"Let her go, now!" the shorter one shouted.

"You want her? You got her!" the demon snarled hurling Alex halfway across the room into the unsuspecting man.

The demon charged towards them in my body only to be met with a hard uppercut by the taller of the two. My head snapped back and I crashed to the ground. The taller man dived on me and delivered another devastating punch to my jaw. This was nothing like the time that Robert had punched me into a table. If the demon weren't inside of me, I probably would have been unconscious after the first hit.

The demon shoved him hard with a telekinetic push and sent the man flying off. When I finally got to my feet I saw the shorter of the two pulling Alex back to her feet. At least she was safe, for now.

The demon charged at the taller of the two and he knocked me flat on my ass again with another uppercut. He whipped out a plastic bottle and splashed me with what I discovered was holy water. The demon screamed bloody murder and blindly backed away. He was on me again punching me until I was delirious and seconds away from blacking out. With one last effort, the demon head butted him and sent him flying into the nearby wall with a sickening thump.

"Sam!" the shorter one yelled. Face contorted in anger and grim determination he pulled a jagged knife from his jacket pocket and charged towards me. He was going to kill me. The funny thing was that the demon believed the knife would kill it too. The blade was marked with a pentagram similar to the one etched on the Colt.

The demon tried to fight but it was just no match for this man. He punched me and I crumbled to the ground. I could taste the blood pooling in my mouth. He straddled me pinning me underneath him and brought the jagged knife plunging towards my heart. The demon squeezed my eyes shut knowing that it was going to die.

"Please, don't kill her! She's not herself!" I heard Alex's voice scream.

Alex saved my life.

The lights completely shut off.

The demon used the opportunity to recover and shoved the man off trying to make a quick run for the exit. When the lights flickered back on there was another woman in the room. A woman with fiery red hair and pale skin.

_Casey?!_

She was blocking the front door exit from the apartment.

_Shit! Casey, run!_

To my surprise the demon backed away slowly. I could feel myself trembling, in fear. Before the demon could make a move to run, Casey moved faster than ever possible and appeared face to face with me. She placed a hand to my forehead and my body erupted with bright hot light.

The last thing I remembered was feeling the demon's terror as it died.

* * *

"Liv!" I yelled as I watched her hit the ground, "Y..You killed her!"

Casey Novak kneeled next to her unmoving body, "She is alive but only just so."

Right on cue, Olivia moaned softly. Her face was almost a bloody pulp. I can imagine what mine looks like.

What is going on here? Do demons really exist?

"Alex…" she moaned. "Is…she…alright?"

I hurried and fell to her side noticing that Casey's eyes followed me almost curiously. How in the hell did she get here? What was that light that came from her?

"We have to get her to a hospital."

Without speaking Casey reached out and placed her hand against Olivia's forehead. If I hadn't seen it for myself there was no way I would have believed it. Every single one of her wounds were healed. Olivia opened her eyes just in time to see Casey place her healing hand against my face. Seconds later, all my pain disappeared and I knew the injuries I sustained were gone.

Casey cast an angry glare towards the two men in black suits. I recognized them as the FBI agents that came to find Olivia a couple days ago, "I told you to help her, not beat her into a bloody pulp and then try to kill her."

The shorter one shrugged, "Sorry, I just got a little carried away, Cas."

"Go ahead Cas, we'll take it from here," the taller one said sheepishly rubbing the back of his head.

"My work here is done then," Casey said standing up straight.

"T... Thank you…Casey," Olivia stammered glancing up at her in awe. "H... How did you do that?"

The red-head frowned for a moment and she answered in a measured, almost robotic voice, "I am not your friend. I am not Casey."

"…. Who….what are you?" she asked.

"My name is Castiel…. I am an angel of the Lord."

* * *

_An angel of the Lord? Did I hear that correctly? How can that be? There is no such thing, right?_

_No._

I slowly regained my footing after nearly having my head bashed in by those two men. Let me get all this together in my mind: Casey shows up seemingly out of nowhere and manages to kill the demon in my body with one touch against my forehead. Only she isn't Casey, she is Castiel, a supposed angel of God?

Give me a break.

"There is no such thing as an angel."

She didn't seem upset. In fact, I could barely make out the trace of disappointment on Casey's features, "This is your problem Olivia, you have no faith."

I could hear lightening explode outside and the lights flashed intensely. Casey's eyes glowed an electric blue and a shadow of huge, magnificent wings reflected on the ceiling. Behind me, I heard Alex gasp and I suppressed one of my own. I trembled in both fear and awe, "W... What have you done to Casey?"

Her eyes transformed back to their normal green appearance, "Casey is my vessel."

"Vessel? You're possessing her?"

"Yes," she said simply.

My fear and awe quickly transformed into anger and panic. Casey was trapped inside her own body while some spirit was possessing her. I knew the feeling and I didn't like it. Not one bit, "You stole her body?" I asked accusingly.

"I cannot enter a vessel without consent. She gave permission for me to enter her body to save you."

I felt my eyes narrow and my hand curled up into a fist, "Good you saved me, now let her go." She seemed ignorantly unaware of my rising temper. I can't let Casey do this. This world is no place for a woman like her.

"Casey is with me now. She is the last of the remaining humans who carry the bloodline to become my vessel. I need her as much as she needs me."

"She doesn't need you," I countered.

"Casey often spoke to me with much despair. She said that you had chosen another to bond with and there was nothing left for her in this life. _I will_ protect her. _I will_ never leave her." For the first time, she showed emotion bordering on indignation. That really pissed me off. That's all I need is some angel coming down from heaven and telling me off. Where were these winged bastards during all the carnage and evil going on in the world?

"Protect her from what?" asked the taller of the two men.

"A secret can be powerful magic in the right …or wrong hands. Not long ago, Olivia told Casey a secret about the supernatural world, one she had not revealed to anyone else. She trusted Casey with this secret. If Olivia had told this secret to another, perhaps there might not have been such drastic consequences. But Casey is a vessel; one of _my_ vessels. She was exposed to the supernatural world, to demons, particularly Crowley. He would love to get his hands on a vessel, to take it apart, to see what makes them so special. She would be tortured mercilessly. Her life would be forfeit."

What in the hell is he talking about? I have never told Casey any secret about the supernatural world. Why would I?

Oh shit, I did!

A long time ago I told Casey in jest that I had sold my soul and only had a few years to live. I didn't think she would believe me. I sure as hell didn't know that it would eventually ruin her life. So, has known the truth all this time? Why didn't she say anything to me? I could have helped her. She didn't have to let herself become a vessel.

"Casey's body will not disintegrate under my power as her brother and father did. This vessel is true and strong."

I stared horrified at her last words. Casey's father and brother disintegrated? No wonder she always looked so pale and tired every time I saw her. She basically watched her family die right in front of her, "Just get away from me," I told the angel. If I could, I would have ripped it out of Casey's body and sent the bastard back to heaven.

"Very well. I will use this time to track down the demon that possesses Abbie Carmichael. I will inform you after the mission is complete."

Abbie! How could I almost forget about her? I just hope Serena is still alive. God knows she doesn't deserve to be involved in any of this either.

When I focused my attention back on Casey, she was gone. The angel had disappeared into thin air as quickly as she had appeared.

Just be safe Casey. I will find a way to set you free one day.

I promise.

That just left me, Alex and the two strange men. I don't know if I should hug them or shoot them. On the one hand, they saved Alex's life. On the other hand, they reduced me to a bloody pulp and tried to stab me. Both men reached inside their jackets and held up two very realistic FBI badges.

"I'm Dean this is Sam. We just have to ask you a few questions regarding tonight and some other events from the past," said the shorter of the two.

"Cut the shit. You are not FBI agents, you're hunters," I said immediately daring either one of them to contradict me.

The two men froze stumbling on their words for a moment, "Fine. I'm Dean Winchester and this is my brother Sam."

"Sam and Dean Winchester? The hunters that know Jo Harvelle?" I exclaimed. I was happy to see them after all this time. Jo told me that these two were the best of the best hunters and they proved it tonight.

"…. Knew her, she's dead," replied Dean after a look of shock, "She died a long time ago. Sam and I were both with Jo on a mission when she was mortally injured."

The memory seemed like it was too painful for both men so I dropped the subject. That poor kid. At least, she can finally be at peace.

"We got your call a while back but me and Sam were working a job out in California. We headed this way as soon as we could," Dean explained.

"Can you tell us what happened here?" Sam asked, "Cas told us to come help you a couple of days ago. He…or she… kind of teleported us from across the state but you hadn't made an appearance yet."

"Does someone want to tell me what the heck is going on here?" Alex interrupted. She seemed to be the only one in the dark right now. I at least owed her an explanation of what happened tonight but maybe she doesn't have to find out about the deal after all.

"I'll explain everything later. Guys, could you maybe come back tomorrow? We can hash out a plan then." I subtly flicked my eyes toward Alex and the men both seemed to understand the meaning.

"Here is my cell. Give us a call in the morning," Sam said handing me a card with his phone number on it.

I ushered the two out and waited until I heard their footsteps disappear down the hallway. When I turned around a solid fist hit me across my face. I staggered back and my shoulder slammed into the door. I felt my fists immediately tighten on instinct and my teeth ground together. I pushed myself off the wall to face my attacker and the anger instantly died in my chest.

"Come here, baby," I told Alex holding my arms out.

I could see relief cross her features and she rushed into my waiting embrace. Alex felt only slightly heavier than before as her legs wrapped themselves around my waist.

"I missed you. I missed you so much," I told her and buried my forehead against his chest.

"Liv, what is going on here? When you said all those things to me, I wanted to die. D…did you mean any of it?" she sounded so unsure, so vulnerable.

I almost found myself becoming angry again but I managed to keep it contained. How could she say that? How could she think that? Damn that demon for almost ruining everything.

I made sure that I was looking into her eyes when I talked, "Please trust me Alex, that wasn't me talking. I was trapped inside of my own body and couldn't move. There is no one else that I love more than you, no one else I would rather be with."

"I trust you," she said to my relief.

I soon carried her to our bed, one we hadn't shared in months, and made love to her. As usual, my sleep was restless afterwards. I just couldn't stop thinking about Abbie. She was out there somewhere probably terrified and alone and here I was laying in the sack cuddled up with Alex. I found myself in tears and my body quaking with sobs. I detangled myself away from Alex as best as I could to keep from waking her up. I must have cried myself to sleep because when I opened my eyes, the early morning sunlight was streaming in through the window.

Someone was standing over us.

I blinked hard and reached for the gun I kept under my pillow. Only it wasn't there because it was back inside my old apartment. The angel wearing Casey's face stared down at me expressionlessly, "I have found Abbie Carmicheal. Cover yourself and I will take you to her."

"Haven't you ever heard of knocking?" I hissed as quietly as possible. "For the love of God, we're both naked here!"

"I did not mean to interrupt but time is a factor. I have recovered the one called Serena Southerlyn as well."

While she was still talking, I was already getting out of bed and heading for the shower. Modesty be damned, "I'll be ready in 10 minutes, just go wait in the living room."

"Very well."

I was halfway into the bathroom when I happened to see Castiel in my peripheral vision walk over to Alex's side of the bed and nudge her on the shoulder, "What the fuck are you doing?! Don't wake her up!"

It was too late. Alex began to stir and I was beyond pissed. When she saw Casey standing over her she yelped and sat up covering herself. I stalked over and grabbed the angel by the collar of Casey's shirt. I shoved her towards the living room and slammed the door shut.

"Stupid prick," I growled.

"Liv? What's going on?" Alex asked.

"Nothing, baby. Go back to sleep. I have to leave for a while," I told her.

"Go where?"

I sighed, "They found Abbie and Serena. I have to go and see what's going on."

Alex threw the covers and her legs off the side of the bed, "I'm coming with you."

"Alex, this is too dangerous."

"Serena is my best friend. You expect me to sit home while she's in trouble?" she protested.

"You're not coming," I replied coldly. "This isn't some game, Alex. I can't always protect you out there."

I forgot that we used to call her the Ice Princess back in the day, "I never said it was a game, Olivia. I wouldn't call you kicking my ass a game. I don't recall you being the boss of me either. This is supposed to be a marriage, not a dictatorship."

"I'm just trying to look out for you," I said defensively.

"I don't need you to look out for me. I just need you to tell me the truth about something, for once."

After showering and dressing, we both met Castiel waiting in the living room. Casey's demeanor was calm and her posture was impossibly straight. She was wearing a tan trench coat tied loosely around her waist and dark clothing underneath. Seeing her standing there suddenly brought an overwhelming sadness to my heart. She was always so full of life before, now because of me she was just an object to be used by some supernatural being.

I still loved her and I always would.

"We're ready," I said distantly, bitterly. Not to mention, Alex was total pissed with me. I would ask how this day could get any worse but I'm afraid to eat my words later.

Alex and I stood in front of Castiel and she placed a hand against our foreheads. Before I could even blink or register what happened, our surroundings had changed. We were back inside the dimly lighted, abandoned warehouse that Abbie and I summoned Crowley from.

"Alex!" a familiar voice called.

A blonde blur in the form of Serena Southerlyn crashed into Alex. I took a step back to give the two women more room to embrace while fighting a twinge of jealousy with every fiber of my being.

"I'm so glad to see you," Serena said and I saw tears in her eyes.

"What's wrong?" Alex replied holding the woman at arm's length.

While they talked, I coldly surveyed our surroundings. Sam and Dean were both present now dressed in plain clothing instead of suits. Sam stood on a tall ladder spray painting a Devil's Trap on the ceiling. Underneath him, was a woman sitting bound to a chair with a black bag over her head. After Sam climbed down from the ladder, Dean snatched the bag off the woman's head to reveal an unconscious Abbie. Her eyes were closed and head slumped limply against her chest. There was still a gaping wound in her neck. Dean walked over to a table where there was a host of water jugs, salt canisters, and weapons. A shiver ran down my spine as I realized what was going to happen.

They were planning to torture Abbie.

I completely lost it, "What the fuck do you think you're doing to her?!" I screamed. "You're not going to fucking touch her! Do you hear me?!"

Castiel stepped between me and the two surprised men, "Abbie's soul has already departed this body. This is merely just a shell. The demon is the only soul trapped inside. "

"You let her die?!" I grabbed the collar of Casey's trench coat for the second time today. "You healed me and Alex."

"Your wounds were not mortal," Castiel replied infuriatingly calm. "As soon as the demon lost consciousness, her soul retreated the body. Even I could not stop it."

I shoved her away ignoring Serena's sobbing, "What could you possibly gain from torturing her? I already have all the information out of that demon I need. Send that evil bitch back to hell and so I can bury my friend."

"I have reason to believe that the information she gave you was inaccurate. We could use your help, Olivia. The skills provided to you by the demon Alistair will be significant enough to break her."

I scoffed, "What kind of angel wants me to use torture to get information out of someone?"

"We're here to help you Olivia. We know about everything and how much time you have left," Sam said. I could already tell that he was the more level headed of the two men. Demon or not, I just don't know if I could torture her. She still _looked_ like Abbie.

"I can't do it," I said feeling the tears beginning to run down my face.

"Very well. We will do our best to get the information we need without you," Castiel answered. If she was disappointed, Casey's features did not show it.

I followed them to the Devil's Trap where Abbie's body sat unmoving. I kept a tight lid on my emotions as Dean took a jug of holy water from the table and used it to splash the demon awake.

The demon gasped awake and smoke emitted from Abbie's body. She struggled against her bonds for only a moment before looking up at the ceiling to discover the Devil's Trap binding her in place.

Dean frowned, "Yeah, you're trapped bitch."

She ignored him and immediately set her attention towards me, "Liv! It's really me, I swear! You can't trust the Winchesters, help me get free."

"You're not Abbie." My jaw clenched so tightly I thought it would shatter. Still, the tears prickled my eyes.

"I swear it's me! Look at me. You know how much I love you and I know you love me. Trust me, please."

I hesitated and took a step forward only to have Casey's pale hand shoot in front of my chest, "She is just toying with you. Abbie is gone."

Seeing that her tricks wouldn't work, she finally revealed her blood red eyes. She smirked, "Well, it was worth a shot. Hello Olivia, it's good to see you again."

"Sorry, I can't say the same, Amy," I snapped back.

"I know how much it hurts you to see me inside this body. I just want you to know how much Abbie writhed in pain. Fortunately for her, Serena avoided my grasp but so many others suffered…so many."

"Tell us what we want to know and this will go quick for you. Which demon holds the deal?" Dean asked in a no-nonsense voice.

She completely ignored Dean as her eyes scanned the room. To my horror they came to rest on Alex and Serena, "Why don't you come a little closer ladies? Join the fun."

I took a menacing step towards the demon, "Don't talk to them."

"It's okay, Liv. I'm not afraid of her."

Despite all my protests, Alex and Serena moved to stand beside the rest of us. "Carmichael," Alex acknowledged her coldly.

"Cabot," the demon smirked. "Abbie here harbors a pretty serious grudge against you. I suspect the feeling is mutual?"

"It's unwarranted and yes, the feeling is mutual."

The demon erupted in a fit of laughter, "How does it feel to know that Olivia has spent all her time with the woman you hold such a grudge for? The two have become quite close. Even better, what if I told you that Abbie fucked your wife in a sleazy motel? Would you forgive and forget?"

I felt my mouth drop open, "That's a lie!" I exclaimed.

"Liv?" Alex's hurt expression met my shocked one, "How could you?"

"She's lying! I didn't have sex with Abbie!"

"Why should I believe you? You have done nothing but lie to me for the past few days," Alex replied crossing her arms and refusing to look at me.

"Alex…"

Just when I thought that my marriage was ruined, Castiel stepped in front of me. Casey's green eyes held mine unblinking, searching into my very soul. After a while the angel gratefully said, "Olivia speaks the truth."

"See!"

The demon pouted with Abbie's lips, "Party pooper."

"If you lie like that again, I'll make hell seem like a paradise," I warned. Alex still refused to look at me but I saw some of the tension leave her body.

"You want the truth? Serena dear, did you know that Abbie planned on leaving you? Sorry sweetheart, she doesn't really love you like _that_. I mean you're a nice piece of ass but… that's pretty much it."

Sam picked up the jug of holy water and splashed it against the demon's chest. Amy screaming in pure agony brought a bright smile to my face.

"…Y…you think that's funny? Remember when your wife was shot…?"

I held my breath. No, was she going to tell Alex about the deal?

"Remember how you spent all those days on the floor drunk after she didn't come back to you from witness protection?"

I smirked despite myself, "Sure, I remember." At least, she didn't say anything about the deal. Fuck anything else. Ancient history.

"Well guess who she _did_ go back to? Just guess who she hooked up with a few times? I'll give you a hint: she's blonde and standing right there."

The smirk from my face completely fell. I didn't need Castiel to tell me it was true; I only had to look at the awkward shuffling of Serena. I only had to see the expression of stone on my wife's face. The world around me melted into a haze of red rage. I snatched a jagged knife from the table and reached the demon in two strides.

I blacked out.

When I came back to, Sam and Dean had grabbed me under both arms to pull me away. The knife and my hands were covered with Abbie's bright and sticky blood. I struggled but the two men had me in a death grip.

"Was it something… I said?" The demon coughed and a thick stream of blood and saliva trickled from Abbie's mouth. "You don't belong here, Olivia. Alex doesn't love you, not the way we do. You couldn't possibly become the person you were destined to be here on earth. Hell is where you truly belong."

I finally stopped struggling, "W…. who am I destined to be?"

I managed to see a smile form on her bloody face, "You are the one who is destined to help bring an end to the world."

"Do not lie demon." Castiel said calmly moving in between me and Abbie's body.

The demon laughed riotously, "Look into my eyes angel, you know I'm telling the truth."

"Whatever hell has planned will not succeed. We will stop you."

"Our plans are already in motion. You can't stop shit."

Sam and Dean finally let me go and I felt my entire body shaking. Did that demon just say that I would help bring an end to the world? That can't be true! No, that's impossible!

"We _will_ get you back to hell for the last time, Olivia. We _will_ strip every drop of humanity from you. We _will_ eventually _break_ you. Once we have succeeded you _will_ rise again bringing darkness into the world. "

I shook my head refusing to believe anything that spewed from that filthy lying mouth.

"Enough of this. We must go directly to the source to find out what these evil creatures have planned. We will summon Crowley."

Before I could even think to argue, Casey's pale hand shot out against Abbie's forehead emitting a blinding white light. The demon screamed as the final spark of life extinguished from her. I quickly pushed the angel aside and untied Abbie's lifeless body cradling her gently in my arms. Her blood was on my hands both literally and figuratively. I looked up to Castiel, my eyes pleading, "Don't leave her like this. I will do anything you ask of me. Please, just help her."

"Abbie is at peace. She will walk in the fields of the Lord, forever," was her almost sympathetic response.

My voice became hoarse with grief, my heart heavy, "Please."

"Very well."

She kneeled beside us and put a palm on Abbie's chest. I instinctively shut my eyes as the entire warehouse lit up with blinding blue light. I blinked hard only to focus on familiar dark brown eyes staring up at me. Abbie looked just as surprised as I felt.

Abbie rubbed her neck slowly and her eyes darted around the warehouse, "What happened? Where am I?"

I hooked an arm around her shoulder and helped her up to the chair again. A grin spread across my face despite all that had taken place, "We're back in the warehouse, long story."

"Hey! Cas…are you alright? You don't look so good," asked Dean.

I was so occupied with Abbie's resurrection that I didn't notice Casey…or Castiel still kneeling on the ground. Her head was bowed and she clutched her abdomen. A trail of blood soon seeped down from her mouth to form a thick puddle on the ground, "…It seems I have overexerted myself. I thought that this vessel could handle my true power without sustaining significant damage. I was wrong."

"What about my friend?! Is she alright?"

I personally didn't give a damn about what happened to the angel but I knew that Casey would be the only one to suffer.

"I must not do that again or my power could destroy this vessel."

"Don't call her that! Her name is Casey not some fucking vessel!" I snapped.

She ignored me completely, "I must find a place to recover. I will contact you all shortly."

No surprise that she disappeared into thin air seconds later. That just left me and Abbie to explain this entire mess to everyone else. I could see the wheels in her mind slowly starting to piece together the events of the last couple days. The foggy glaze behind her eyes disappeared slowly being replaced with the hardened expression of the woman I have become acquainted to.

"I remember being possessed and that demon stabbing me in the neck-."

"Would someone please tell Serena and I what is going on here? A demon with red eyes just prophesized that Liv would help bring an end to the world and an angel just brought Carmichael back from the dead. One of you had better start explaining, now," Alex snapped.

"We don't have to explain a damn thing to you, Cabot!" Abbie retorted shooting from her chair, "You're the reason all of this went to hell in the first place! Months of preparations were destroyed because of one phone call!"

"How is any of this my fault?" Alex countered defensively. "And months of preparation for what?!"

"Hunting a demon, you bimbo! _The_ demon! We had everything planned out and you ruined it with your fucking jealous insecurities!" With every syllable that Abbie spoke, saliva came shooting out of her mouth. She was beyond pissed. Before the situation could get out of hand I stepped in between the two women.

"Come on, Abbie. She couldn't have possibly known that we were hunting a demon," I sighed placing a hand on her shoulder. "I can't do this without you."

"I could write a book on the things she doesn't know." Abbie snorted but thankfully she didn't say anything else to Alex. I introduced her to Sam and Dean, then briefly explained the situation at hand. When Abbie finally spotted Serena, her eyes visibly softened but the gesture was not returned. There was something in Serena's gaze that made my heart ache for Abbie.

Finality.

To be such a brilliant lawyer and a pretty good hunter Abbie seemed completely oblivious.

"Can I speak to you for a moment outside, Olivia?"

I nodded silently and followed the one I called wife outside of the warehouse. There was a beautiful black classic Impala outside one that I assumed belonged to Sam and Dean. I followed Alex until we were well out of ear's range and waited for her to speak.

"Serena and I only slept together _once_ after I came back from the program. We both instantly regretted and it never happened again."

I didn't trust myself to speak so I only nodded. My hands found the inside of the leather jacket and balled into fists. My fingernails dug painfully into the inside of my palms. It just hurts to think that she would come back to Serena and not to me. Did she even love me at all back then? Why am I made to suffer this way? Hell, I could deal with. I've been there twice already and I'm still standing. But this…

This could destroy me if I let it.

I'm just tired.

"Please don't shut me out again. We're together now and that's all that should matter."

I shrugged holding her gaze with a blank face, "What do you want from me, Alex?"

Her ice blue eyes flashed angrily, "For starters I want you to cut all this 'demon' hunting out and go back to work. I don't like the way this is affecting your personality, not one bit."

"So, you want me to stop hunting demons and go back to hunting human demons," I replied sarcastically. The irony of the situation was not lost on me. I would rather deal with a hell demon than a pedophile any day.

"You know what I mean. It's that damn Carmichael, she influenced you into this. The next thing I want you to do is stop spending time with her."

"Alex, it's not that simple," I sighed.

"Well, give me an explanation! You're putting your life in danger and apparently mine too!"

"I don't have a choice, Alex. I don't have to time to explain everything to you. You just have to trust me."

"Trust you? You have been basically living a double life and you expect me to trust you?!" she snapped.

"I don't have time for this shit! I only have six months left…."

I couldn't stop the words pouring from my mouth. Alex was just pissing me off so much. Why does she have poke at this? Why can't she just leave it alone?

"Six months left until what?! What are you hiding from me?!"

"…I'm not hiding anything." The lie sounded unconvincing, even to me.

"Are you having an affair with Abbie?"

Of course, that had to be the most obvious answer. Sometimes, I wish that I really did have an affair so her accusations could at least have merit. "Alex, we already went through this shit back in there. I haven't fucked anyone else besides you in a very long time! Can you please drop it now?"

I didn't even wait for her to respond. I just walked away.

* * *

I hate Abbie fucking Carmichael.

I'm glad Serena finally got the common sense to drop that backwoods trailer trash but now she just hangs around my apartment all the time.

It sickens me.

I feel as though she is Olivia's wife and I'm just the mistress who occasionally gets sex. Who does Olivia turn to when she needs advice? Carmichael Who is apparently on the inside of this big secret Olivia is hiding? Carmichael. I see so much caring in Olivia's eyes. Could she be in love with, Abbie?

Does she even still love me?

I find myself sick with jealousy and loneliness. She doesn't even hold me anymore at night. I love her so much and want to be with her. I just don't know what I'm going to do.

The two men that saved my life stop in the next morning to talk with Olivia and Carmichael. They sit around the kitchen table and discuss about God knows what. I am completely left in the dark. I listened carefully from the bedroom and waited until I heard one of the men get up to use the restroom, Sam I think his name is. I waited until he was coming out only to have me push him gently back in.

"Hey! What the heck…?"

I shut the door behind us and held a finger to my lips, "I just want to talk to you for a moment."

Sam shuffled nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. I couldn't help but notice how the muscles in his shirt rippled with every movement, "I'm not supposed to tell you anything, Alex."

"Why not?" I demanded.

"Because Olivia asked us not to."

"What about what I want?"

He shook his head, "There are things at stake and I can't afford to cause a rift with your wife. Just know that she loves you more than anything or anyone. That's a rare thing to find."

I grabbed his arm and found myself having to look up to meet his gaze, "Just tell me one thing, Sam."

"What is it?"

"I know that a demon can lie but do they ever tell the truth?"

He shrugged, "I suppose so. Especially if it knew the truth would really hurt you. I think you know the answer to that one already."

I let him leave the bathroom and I leaned against the sink thinking. Was there any truth to what that demon possessing Olivia told me? Could she only care about my money? I guess there is only really one way to find out.

I leave in the afternoon and come back that night to a nearly empty house. Thankfully, that spiteful bitch Abbie is gone and I have Olivia to herself. She smiles when she sees me walk through the door and my step falters. I have a manila folder in my hand. I steel myself as I continue towards her and accept a kiss on the cheek. Olivia tells me that she loves me and my heart breaks. Nonetheless, I place the folder on the table in front of her telling her to read carefully then sign. As Olivia flips through the paper work, the smile completely melts off her face. She stares at the paper work with nothing short of disbelief.

"Seriously, Alex? A postnuptial agreement? Do you really think I want your money? "

"It's fair Liv. We both should leave with what we came with."

Olivia laughed but it was harsh, "Give me a pen." She flicks the through the paper work and signs her name next to mine on the lines without hesitation. "Happy?"

I instantly knew that I had made a huge mistake but it was too late to back down now, "What do you expect after everything that has taken place in the last few days?"

"Not that," Olivia said dryly, "I think I'll have a drink now."

"Of course!" I yelled throwing up my hands as she disappeared into the kitchen, "Because that is the obvious answer to everything!"

I stormed inside our bedroom and slammed the door shut. After showering and putting on my night clothes I managed to drift off to sleep almost instantly. I stirred later when I felt Olivia getting into bed. She always slept on her back and tonight was no exception. After a while I said, "I know you're not sleeping."

Olivia scoffed, "And?"

I moved in closer placing my arm across her chest. She stiffened but I didn't let her go. I didn't need the lights to know there was still a deep frown set on her face. I kissed the spot underneath her ear first and then her neck. "I'm sorry, alright? I'll rip it up if that's what you want."

"Do whatever you want, Alex. I don't care," She shrugged me off in a not so subtle manner and added in a dark tone, "Who knows, one day we might even need it."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Whatever you want it to, Alex!"

"Get out now! Go sleep on the couch! GO!" I shouted pointing towards the door.

"I would be glad to sleep on the couch, Princess," Olivia replied icily snatching a blanket and pillow of the bed.

I heard her stumbling towards the living room cursing along the way. She was obviously drunk and needed to sleep it off. I should wait to talk to her in the morning when she was sober and more reasonable.

But I couldn't wait.

I was too pissed off to calm down so I threw off the covers and went after her. Instead of trying to fall asleep she was in the kitchen getting more hammered! I thought my head might explode. I snatched the glass of scotch away from her and threw it violently against the refrigerator.

"You're pathetic do you know that?!"

"Leave me alone, Alex." She couldn't even look at me.

She tried to leave the kitchen but I stood in her way, "What the hell is your problem, Liv? What do you have to drink so much about huh? You're a coward! You're pathetic!"

Tears were coming down her eyes but I didn't care. I wanted to know what drove her to act this way. What could possibly be so bad? I took her jaw in my hands and forced her to look me in the eyes. I wanted her to know that I was serious, "Tell me what you have done. I promise you that I'm not going to live the rest of my life this way."

"Alex, please leave me alone."

"No," I said firmly refusing to let her look away. "Either tell me what's wrong or I'm going to leave you, right now." Her eyes silently begged but she found no pity in my eyes, "Right now, Olivia."

Her shoulders visibly sagged, "I sold my soul, Alex. I only have a few months left to live."

I released her jaw as my heart threatened to escape from my chest, "W... Why… for what?!"

"When Connor's shot you that day, you never got up," she said, her voice quivering. "They tried to revive you baby…but you died on the table from your wounds."

I shoved her hard into the counter screaming at the top of my lungs, "Don't fucking lie like that!"

"I am **_not_** lying," Olivia responded harshly suddenly very sober, "The demon that possessed Abbie was waiting for me when I went on the subway. I traded my soul in exchange for your life and eight years until the debt would come due."

"Alex?" Olivia started moving towards me.

I suddenly felt very dizzy. The world started to spin around me and my legs gave way.

TBC….


	11. Three Months Left

A Deal to Die For

Chapter 11: Three Months Left….

"She is fine physiologically. Mentally, she is in shock," Castiel replied redrawing her hand away from Alex.

When Alex fainted, I managed to catch her but she hadn't woken up ever since. I carried her back to the bed and kept vigil over her for the rest of the night. The early morning brought no change in her condition. I called Abbie because she was the only person I could turn to in this situation. Castiel just happened to appear as well. Sometimes, I wonder if she has been watching me all this time.

I stood in front of the bed with my hand covering my mouth. Why didn't I just let her leave? Why did I have to tell her the truth?

"Wow, I can't believe you actually told her," Abbie said coming to stand beside me. "Hell hath truly frozen over."

"Not now, Carmichael," I snapped.

"You heard Castiel. She will be fine, it's just shock," the Texan said holding up both hands.

I started to slowly pace. What if she's not fine? What if she never wakes up?

"We have to move out. Sam and Dean think they might have a lead on Crowley."

"I'm not leaving her!"

"Abbie Carmichael is right. You should be present when we summon Crowley. We will need all the skills necessary to break the truth from him," Castiel explained.

"Fine," I said reluctantly. I didn't want to leave her but I have to find a way out of this deal. I pulled the comforter up around Alex's shoulders and kissed her forehead. "I'll be back soon, sweetheart."

Castiel touched our foreheads and we left the apartment.

A few hours later we gave up on the hunt after a complete dead end. I used my key to get back into the apartment and threw my jacket down on the couch. I'm beginning to think that I will never get out of this deal. It's depressing really. The days are ticking by so fast that I can't even comprehend the short amount of time I have left. Abbie was downstairs parking her car. We were supposed to be doing more research but I suspect that we'll be drowning in our sorrows instead. I know for a fact that Abbie hasn't been able to contact Serena since they broke up. She is really destroyed about it but just too proud to say anything. I guess when it rains, it pours.

Speaking of pouring, when I walk into our bedroom Alex was finally up and moving around.

She was packing clothes.

There were open suit cases on the bed and she was running back and forth steadily filling them up.

I don't know how long I stood in the doorway purely stunned but Alex never gave me a second glance.

"…Y…you're leaving?" I asked managing to somehow pick my jaw up from the floor.

Alex looked up at me for the first-time stuffing articles in a familiar suitcase, "Oh, I'm not leaving. These aren't my clothes."

I frowned, "So, you're just going to throw me out on the street?"

She shrugged, "I'm sure your best friend Abbie has room for you at her apartment."

"Wow, call me crazy but I was expecting a completely different reaction all together," I mumbled shaking my head. I'm starting to wonder if this woman loves me at all.

"What kind of reaction were you expecting, Olivia?" she asked. The chill in her voice almost sent a shiver running down my spine.

"I don't know, maybe some freaking gratitude would be a good start!" I snapped. "If you really want me to leave, I have no problem with leaving!"

"Gratitude? You want gratitude? Liv, this has to be your stupidest and most selfish idea yet! You sold your soul?! How do you expect me to live with this?

"I'm sure you'll find a way. I'm sure you have found a rational explanation for everything you have ever done. This is no exception," I replied in a dark tone. "I'm not going to ease your guilt if that's what you want. This is your burden to carry now, not mine!"

Alex threw up her hands, "Of course, I forgot! I'm big bad Alex, right? I'm just a cold-hearted bitch, right?" she screamed. "Everything that has ever gone bad in this relationship is my fault. What about you? What about all the drinking and your out of control anger? What about the lies?!"

Was she really trying to turn this entire thing back on me? Un-freaking believable.

"I just find it funny that you would tell Casey and Abbie about this big secret and not me! I'm your wife and the last one to find out. You never wanted to be married to me, you just didn't want to be alone!"

"Remember, I told you the truth about hell and you thought I was insane! You gave me the number to a therapist!" I roared, "I told Abbie what I did and she gave me a shotgun with salt rounds in it!"

"How could you do this to me?!" Alex screamed again. She picked up a half empty suitcase and flung it across the room towards me. I barely managed to dodge the missile before it slammed against the wall.

"What was I supposed to do? Just let you die?"

"Yes! When someone dies it's sad but there is nothing we can do! We have to let them go, not sell our freaking souls!" Alex explained to me in the most heart-breaking way possible.

"I couldn't just let you go, Alex! I didn't go looking to sell my soul, that demon cornered me on the subway. I still had your blood on my clothes…I was so distraught I didn't think, I didn't care!"

I tried to make her see reason but she blew right past me. I followed her out of the bedroom to the kitchen table covered in research books, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to summon a demon myself and make it undue the deal," she said absently.

For the first time, I came close to hitting her by my own free will. I took her waist roughly and practically carried her back into the bedroom. I dumped her unceremoniously on the clothing scattered bed. She tried to get up but I easily pinned her down, "Listen to me and listen good. If you even think about trying to summon a demon, I will stop you. I will hurt you if necessary to save you from your own stupidity. Do not test me, Alex."

I finally let her up and she jumped towards me with a fit of rage sparking in her eyes. I rolled my eyes and pushed her easily back to the bed hurting her pride more than anything else, "I don't want to fight with you, Alex! There are things…evil things coming to kill me and drag my soul to hell in only a few months. I'm so afraid, I can't sleep anymore without the nightmares constantly plaguing me. I don't want to go back to hell…I love you so much, I can't do this alone anymore!"

The words had poured from my mouth. I didn't want to sound desperate but I was.

I truly was.

Alex's features slowly changed from anger to despair. But there was love too, "Liv, I lo-"

"Hey Benson! Get your ass out here! We got ourselves a demon to hunt! I brought up the beer and ordered us some takeout," called Abbie from outside the bedroom.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. She couldn't have possibly known but could her timing be any worse? "I'll tell her to go away," I said quickly but it was too late; Alex was already pissed again.

"No. _I'll_ get rid of her."

I tried to touch her shoulder but she slapped my arm away and stormed from the bedroom. I quickly grabbed her but she managed to push a very surprised Abbie on the chest. Little did she know that the brunette could probably beat her into a bloody pulp if she wanted to, "Get the fuck out of my house, Carmichael!" Alex screamed. "Don't come back here and stay the hell away from my wife!"

I had to put myself in between the two women. Abbie didn't show any outward signs of anger but she was calm. Too calm.

"I mean it Olivia! I don't want you to see her anymore. I'm not going to put up with it!"

"We're hunting this demon together Cabot. How could I not see her?!" Abbie retorted from over my shoulder.

"Olivia doesn't need your help! She has a freaking angel and two professionals helping her already. You're just the trash that won't go away!"

"Leave her alone Alex! If you're angry with me, take it out on me!" Now, I was getting pissed off. Abbie and I have been hunting this demon from the start putting our lives on the line while she was blissfully unaware.

"Now you're taking her side? Let me make this clear: either she goes or I do! Make a choice, now!"

"You can't be serious?" I replied.

"I'm giving you an ultimatum, Olivia. Decide!"

I knew I had to make a hard choice but how could I say goodbye to either of the two? Abbie was my best friend, I loved her. We started this whole thing together and I couldn't see myself ending without her. Then there was Alex. I was **_in_** love with her. She was my wife, my soul mate. I sold my soul because I didn't want to go through life without her. Either choice I made would hurt the other and place an unfillable void in my heart.

I took a deep breath and turned around to face Abbie. I could already feel tears coming to my eyes again but I held on tight, for now. Her shoulder squared but she was not angry, only sad. I placed my hand on her shoulders and said, "Alex was gracious enough to pack some of my things. Would you go get them from the bedroom?" After she didn't move and continued to stare at me like I had sprouted a second head I added, "Now would probably be a good time."

When Abbie hurriedly disappeared into the bedroom that just left me, Alex and the choice I had just made alone.

Betrayal was written all over her face, "I don't understand Liv. You're choosing her over me?'

"I don't have time to baby you or stroke your ego, Alex. Abbie and I are fighting this demon together with or without your approval," I snapped.

"If you wanted her over me all this time, why not just say it?"

I suppressed the strong urge to strangle her. She just doesn't fucking get it. I shook my head, "If you can't see how much I love you after everything that has taken place, then you never will."

Abbie came back with the suitcases and I took two to carry for myself. She gave me a look that I translated as 'are you sure you want to do this?' I clamped down hard on my emotions in fear that I might break. There was no turning back now, "Let's get out of here."

"If you leave with her, don't you ever come back to me," Alex said in a deadly whisper.

I turned around and gave her a small smile, "I'll always come back to you."

"I hate you!" she screamed in response with chest heaving and sapphire eyes flaming in rage. "Just forward me an address to send divorce papers to! I'm finished with you!"

I never believed that another day could compare to the amount of suffering I felt when I found out that Alex had chosen to marry someone else.

I was wrong.

"I love you Alex but not even hell could hurt me the way you have."

I didn't look back.

* * *

I bristled hard after Olivia's final words and the door slammed behind her. At least that home wrecking bitch Abbie Carmichael is finally out of my life. Who knew that Olivia would decide to go with her?

They deserve one another.

I felt so angry that I thought my head would explode from the pressure. I managed to hold on to that anger for the rest of the day. I went to see my attorney. I went shopping for an unnecessary amount of clothes, shoes, and accessories. I ate dinner at an expensive Italian restaurant with Serena who mentioned that I was 'acting strangely'. I just smiled at her and kept eating. When Serena asked about Olivia, I smiled again and told her that she was probably with those two men and Carmichael. Serena tensed up when I mentioned Abbie's name and I carefully managed to hide the anger and hatred threatening to burn a hole through my heart.

When I finally got back to the apartment and went inside, I froze at the doorway. It was so quiet, so empty. My knees began to tremble and my heart raced. The walls started closing in around me. I collapsed to the ground as water gushed from my eyes and through my fingers. I beat the floor with my fists screaming, crying and cursing. Why is this happening to me? I didn't ask for any of this. I don't deserve what is happening to me! I eventually crawled to the couch where I curled up into a fetal position and continued sobbing. I will probably never get a chance to see Olivia again. I don't deserve her sacrifice; I don't deserve her period. I am the worst wife ever. I am right up there with Jezebel and Delilah.

After I finished sobbing, I drag myself into the kitchen. My trembling hands pour a glass of wine making a mess on the wood counter top. Still shaking, I make my way to the bathroom and start filling the tub with water. I sit on the edge of the tub while taking a sip of the bitter wine. My eyes wander to the medicine cabinet and I can't fathom what I am thinking. Still, I rise slowly and make my way over. I opened it and spot a bottle of pain meds. There is half a bottle left, enough to get the job done. I take the bottle from the shelf and close the door. I steady my shaking hands and twist the cap off. When I looked up, a red head's reflection appeared behind me in the mirror. I instantly jumped spilling the pills all over the floor.

"Do you mind?" I snapped at the woman.

"Olivia would never recover from this," the angel said solemnly.

My eyes hardened, "Why would she care? She made her choice."

"She has asked me to protect you. Regardless of her choice, I cannot allow you to do this."

I slapped the angel hard across her face.

It was like slapping a brick wall.

"If you are done writhing in pain, there is something I wish to show you."

She raised two fingers against my forehead and darkness consumed me.

* * *

_I literally woke up in the middle of the street._

_I scrambled to my feet and dived out of the way of a speeding taxi. What am I doing in the middle of the street? Grumbling, I look around at the street signs to see where I was. I spotted a familiar figure walking towards me and my heart leaped slightly._

" _Olivia?"_

_Olivia was dressed in a dark leather jacket with what looked to be a bullet proof vest underneath. Her eyes were extremely blood shot and fixed straight ahead. She walked past me without so much as a second glance._

_Really! Is that any way to treat the woman you're supposed to marry? She could at least acknowledge me passing on the street. I quickly hurried after her retreating figure._

" _Liv, wait-," I called reaching out to touch her shoulder. To my surprise and horror, my hand passed straight through and she kept walking._

_What the hell?_

_I quickly caught up to her again and tried to unsuccessfully get her attention. I stopped for a second and looked down at my blouse. It was soaked in my blood._

_Am I dead?_

" _You should come with me while you still have time, Alexandra."_

_I was confronted by a tall man wearing a suit, parted blonde hair and steel blue eyes. My eyes widened in disbelief, "Daddy?"_

_My father smiled, holding out his hand, "I've come to get you sweetheart."_

" _To go where?" I asked absently keeping Olivia's steadily retreating figure in my view._

_He shrugged, "I can't tell you answers I don't have, Alex."_

_I took a step back shaking my head furiously, "I'm not ready to go yet. I…I can't leave her."_

" _There is nothing you can do for Olivia now. You are beyond her reach," he explained._

_I could feel my anger rising, "I can so! I'm here, I'm right here."_

_He shook his head sadly, "No sweetheart, your time is over. You must come with me now or you will forever be stuck between realms. If you stay here, you will never find peace. Even after Olivia has moved on."_

" _Y... you're not my father, are you?"_

_He stepped towards me, "No, I am a Reaper, a servant of death. I appear in this form because it puts you at ease. You have nothing to fear from me Alex. I only wish to take you to the other side."_

" _Leave me alone!" I yelled. I took off quickly catching up with Olivia as she walked down the steps into the subway. I tried to get her attention again but she just kept walking finding an empty car in the back. I walked through the closed door and sat down next to her. My hand reached out to and traced the line of her hair as she began to sob._

_There was nothing I could do to comfort her._

" _Good bye, my love," I said putting my hand through hers. "…I am ready to go now."_

_I looked up and the Reaper disguised as my father was standing in the farthest corner of the car, "You made the right choice, Alex. Come with me."_

_I took one last look at Olivia before walking towards my father's waiting hand. I had almost put my hand inside of his when the subway car opened suddenly. A woman dressed like a tramp stepped inside the car and made her way towards Olivia._

_Except, that she was no woman._

_Its face was so hideous that I had to force myself to keep looking. Her face was waxy in appearance and covered with open, bleeding sores. Its eyes glowed the same color as blood red rubies._

_She sat down next to Olivia and began talking, "Get away from her!" I yelled quickly forgetting about the Reaper's hand._

_Olivia completely ignored me while the thing smiled. Whatever it was could see me as well as I could see it._

_I turned desperately to the Reaper, "You have to help her!"_

" _I am here for one purpose only. I cannot disturb the natural order. You should come with me while you have the chance," he said calmly._

_That useless son of a bitch! Maybe I could separate the thing from the body it seemed to be possessing._

" _Don't even try it little girl. You might be a spirit now but you are nowhere near my level. Just lay down and take what happens," the thing said telepathically as she continued her conversation with Liv._

" _I will do whatever you ask," I heard eventually Olivia say._

" _Do we have a deal, Olivia Benson?" the thing asked._

_Olivia gave the demon a determined look, "Yes, just bring Alex back." The thing was a demon and Olivia was offering up her own soul to spare my life!_

_I can't let this happen! I can't let her do this!_

_I ran forward only to be knocked on my ass telepathically as promised by the demon. It didn't hurt exactly but it took a moment for me to recover and lift myself off the floor. The demon had already grabbed Olivia and sealed the deal with a kiss. I screamed but it was far too late. A dark shadow seemed to cast over Olivia's soul, binding her tightly. I scrambled to my feet and ran towards the Reaper and dived for his hand. At the last possible second, he snatched it away mocking me with the demon's crimson eyes._

" _Right this way ma'am."_

_He placed a hand against my shoulder and the world went dark again._

* * *

I woke up again, this time behind a dumpster and boy was I pissed. I finally remembered everything and I do mean everything. From the night I died, following Liv around, watching her make the deal, everything. Just wait until I get a hold of that red-haired bitch. As if my life wasn't plagued with enough guilt, she had to show me that. I quickly crawled from behind the dumpster and surveyed my surroundings. It was mid-day and I was in the middle of a strange filthy alleyway. There was piles of garbage and human excretion lining the unwashed walls. It was quite disgusting even considering that this was New York where people littered all the time. On the walls, written in God knows what, was a word I didn't recognize: Croatoan.

Things were quiet, too quiet.

I felt unsafe and quickly darted down the alleyway my heels echoing with every step. When I stepped onto the street I felt my heart fall into my stomach. The city was in complete and utter ruin. Buildings were crumpled and burned, hundreds and hundreds of cars abandoned in the street, and worse of all no people in sight. I pinched myself to wake up from this nightmare. Pain shot up my arm, this was real.

What is going on here? Where is Olivia? Is she safe? Is she alive? I started walking down the deserted street, looking for any signs of life.

"Hello! Can anyone hear me? Is anyone here?!" I called hearing only my voice echo back in response. I kept walking for what seemed like miles eventually taking off my heels to carry them. At this point in time I don't even know where I am. The city is in so much ruin that I can't find any definitive landmarks. I'm just afraid of what may happen once the sun goes down. Where will I go? What will I do?

Just when I thought all was lost I spotted what looked like a group of people huddled over a garbage can fire from about 50 yards away. I have never been so excited to see other people in my life. Throwing caution to the wind I ran towards them calling out in the process. I slowed down to a halt when every head snapped towards me with a scowl. Their eyes were hooded and bloodshot. A woman screamed and started running towards me, the others followed suite. Without a second thought, I turned around and ran as fast as I could. If I had on running shoes those freaks would never be able to catch me but dodging broken glass every few seconds doesn't exactly allow me to run at top speed.

Despite the obstacles, I managed to put a safe distance between myself and the strangers obviously wanting to do me harm. As I ducked behind another alley to catch my breath, a cold hard blunt object struck my temple. The force was not enough to knock me out but the world began to spin around me. I tried to get up but instantly fell again.

"It's one of those geeks. Kill her before she can attack one of us," I heard a male voice say.

"We don't know that yet. She might not even be infected, "a female voice countered.

"You want to take that chance? I say we shoot her now!" he insisted

"Our leader will decide her fate."

The male voice said nothing else. I noticed a dozen or so forms dressed in all black standing over me. As my vision cleared, they were forms dressed in all black with machine guns. There were various people of race and gender all dressed in what looked like riot gear.

"Was it really necessary to hit me?' I groaned holding my forehead.

"Shut-up bitch! We'll ask the questions!" the man's voice snapped. His face was hidden behind a riot mask. He raised the machine gun and pointed it in my face.

"Richard, that's enough for now," replied a voice I recognized. One I could never forget.

The group parted and a slim figure walked through. A machine gun was strapped to her back and a mask covered her face as well but I knew who she was. Hatred and rage rose into my chest like bile. I could barely spit her name out, "Abbie."

She slowly raised the helmet from her head and I held back a gasp. There was an extremely noticeable diagonal scar running from her left cheek, across her eye, and forehead. That was impossible though, I just saw her earlier and her face had no wounds let alone an old scar. It would take a hell of a lot of heavy foundation to cover that up. Once she saw me her eyebrows shot high up to her forehead. I couldn't help but also notice a thick streak of graying hair.

"You? How did you get here?"

"I'd like to know that myself, Carmichael," I snapped. "Where is Liv?"

I saw her fist tighten white against the weapon, "Never mind that. I'll ask you the questions, you answer. I'm the one holding the gun."

"I'm not afraid-."

Before I could finish the sentence, a hand grabbed me by the collar of my blouse dragging me away. I looked up to see a filthy man leering down at me. The hostile strangers from before had finally caught up to me. Without saying a word, Carmichael raised her machine gun and fired into the hostiles. The people behind her quickly followed her lead until everyone around me was dead. After the gun fire ceased, I scrambled to my feet and ran.

"Hey, wait, it's not safe!" Carmichael called after me but I ignored her and kept running.

I soon found that to be a big mistake. Apparently, the sound of machine gun fired had drawn more 'hostiles' towards the area. They didn't hesitate to chase behind my retreating form. I made the mistake of running down another alleyway, only to discover a dead end. I was cornered by 7 or 8 of them. They took their time approaching me, savoring the moment of my fear. I closed my eyes. I heard screaming but it didn't come from me. On second thought, it was more like a war cry than scream. I risked opening my eyes to witness Abbie cutting through the hostiles with a machete. Each stroke of the blade severed off a head or limb. By the time the hostiles were dead, Abbie was splashed with blood.

I always knew that Abbie was athletic but not a warrior. She stalked towards me, leaving a trail of bright blood dripping in her wake.

"Who…or what are you?!" she demanded. I knew if I made any sudden moves she would cut me down. Still, I couldn't see myself backing down from her.

"You know well who I am," I growled.

"Well you certainly look like her and sass like her. There is only one small problem with that," Abbie's face was inches away from mine. I held her penetrating stare even though I could see flecks of blood spattered across her face.

"What problem could that be?' I dared ask meeting her gaze and holding it with an icy stare of my own.

"Alex Cabot has been dead for almost 8 years," the Texan replied.

A hard fist struck me across the face and I crumbled like a leaf.

* * *

I woke up thinking of you. Where are you? Will I ever see you again? Will you ever be able to forgive me?

I eventually pulled myself from the darkness of unconsciousness. I still couldn't see anything; my eyes were covered with a blindfold. A sharp needle pierced my neck and I screamed in more terror than pain. I tried to move but my wrists were bound tightly behind my back.

"Relax, relax, she's just taking a blood sample," Abbie's voice said surprisingly soothing. "We don't really want to hurt you. We have to see if you are infected."

"Infected with what? Let me go!" I demanded.

My protests fell on deaf ears and I could do nothing else but wait. I don't know how long but eventually the blindfold is removed. Abbie stood over me with a large, sharp knife and I instantly shut my eyes again. Instead of slicing my throat she cut the bonds instead. Carmichael smirked as she walked around to the opposite side of the table I was tied to.

"So, what are you a shape shifter?" she asked almost casually.

"A what?" I snapped.

"Don't worry, shape shifters are welcomed here too. Just stay in one form and don't cause any problems. If you do, I'll stick a silver blade through your heart," she threatened.

I hit my fist on the table and growled, "I'm not a damn shape shifter. I am exactly who I appear to be!"

I could see her eyes narrow despite the room only lit with one small candle, "Excuse me if I appear to be skeptic but Alex was gunned down by assassins almost eight years ago. I went to her funeral; I saw her lifeless body lying inside of the coffin."

"Why were you at my funeral? I thought you hated me," I scoffed suppressing a shudder at the thought of myself being dead again.

"Once upon a time I thought I did but you didn't deserve to die, not like that. Besides, your death hurt a lot of people: your mother, Serena….Olivia."

I saw her fist tighten again and the room went silent. After a while I asked gently, "Is Liv still alive?" No matter how bad the answer was, I had to know the truth.

"She's alive," Carmichael said quietly after uncurling her fist. "But enough about her, let's talk about you. I can see that you are obviously not the Alex from this time. I can't say that I remember much about her but you definitely look older than she did at her time of death."

"You are one to talk about someone looking older!" I hissed.

Carmichael chuckled in response, "We have all aged, Alex, especially me. It wasn't meant to be insulting. You still look beautiful, as always."

I didn't acknowledge her somewhat apology or the fact that she called me beautiful. I just hope the dimly lit room could hide my heated face.

"So, you must be from another time. How did you get here?"

I thought about going into a long explanation but decided against it. Instead, I only said one word, or one name to be exact, "Castiel."

"Casey...," Abbie said absently.

There was a sadness in her eyes that I just couldn't help but ask, "What?"

"Once upon a time, Casey decided to have an affair with the person I was married to," she explained. "I eventually found a way to forgive her."

"Why?" I asked.

Abbie sighed, "When the infection started, we didn't stand a snowballs chance in hell. We were trapped and being overrun by geeks. Casey let that angel inside and held off the infected long enough for us to get away and regroup. Her body couldn't handle the power for long, I saw it myself when she exploded taking thousands of geeks with her."

I inwardly cringed and quickly changed the subject, "Where are we now?"

Abbie stood up and held her arms open wide, "Don't you recognize this place? This is where we spent hundreds of hours dealing with perps."

I finally took a moment to survey the room. There wasn't much to look at. The walls were made of solid concrete and there was a two-way mirror by the door….

"I see. I suppose this would be a fitting place to hide out. It's secure and you have access to weapons."

"Right, you can sleep in the crib for now. I think there is still one bed left. I'll come get you in the morning to talk," she replied walking towards the door.

"I want to see Liv," I said immediately.

"Of course, but that can wait until the morning too," she almost sneered, "Besides, you might just have to eat those words later after you see what she has become."

My restless night of sleep was interrupted by the violent shaking of my shoulders. I reluctantly opened my eyes praying that I would be back in my own time. I know that I'm a bitch, Castiel. I already see the error of my ways. There is no need to prolong my suffering.

"Come on, you slept long enough. It's nearly after two and there is work to be done."

I couldn't hide my disappointment with seeing Abbie's scarred face standing over me.

I groaned swinging my legs onto the floor, "I thought you were going to take me to Liv?"

"Visiting her _is_ work for me," Abbie grumbled. " Get dressed and come with me."

I yawned and rubbed my head, Abbie tossed me a pair of ratty old blue jeans, worn sneakers and a dark t-shirt. Something she expected me to wear perhaps? I raised a curious eyebrow up at her.

Her eyes narrowed, "They're clean and better than what you have on now. Take it or leave it."

"Okay fine, where can I take a bath?"

Abbie snorted, "We conserve our water Alex. We only clean up twice every week, Monday and Friday."

I'm pretty sure today was Wednesday.

"You're kidding, right?" I asked disgusted at the thought of not being able to get clean in the morning.

"No, I'm not," Abbie said coldly, "Deal with it."

Without another word, she spun on her heel and walked out. I grumbled but quickly put on the clean clothing and followed her. The place was dark and scary and I didn't want to be left alone.

"Let's just get one thing straight, I'm in charge here. Nothing goes down without my say so. If you can't accept that, you'll have to find another place to live."

Trust me, if I could get back to my time I would leave here in a heartbeat. Time was steadily passing and Liv only had a few months left. I have to get back and make things right with her. I don't expect her forgiveness but I just have to try. Besides, I wouldn't last a day out in the city alone. As much as I hate to, I just have to suck it up follow orders.

"I understand."

A small smile tugged at the corner of her lips as if she had won some small battle. I was determined for the last victory to be mine.

"Where are we going?" I asked quickly changing the subject.

"There has to be a reason Castiel sent you here to this time. Whether you realize it or not there is a war coming."

I thought back to what the demon bragged about in my original timeline. She promised that Liv would help bring an end to the world. Is that what happened here?

Abbie led me down towards the basement switching on a bright flashlight to guide our path.

We stopped at the stairs and Abbie stared down into the darkness. I could barely see the outlines of my own hand but I could sense her hesitation. "I have to tell you something, Alex. Something that is more important than anything you have ever known before," Abbie replied mournfully.

I held my breath in anticipation of what she about to say.

"No matter how much you love Olivia never forget this: she is evil. The things she has done are unimaginable and unforgivable. I'm confident that she'll burn in hell when this is all over. I don't even consider that t... thing down there a human being anymore. She's only alive because I was too much of a coward to kill her myself. If some of the people upstairs knew what she has done, they wouldn't hesitate to finish the job."

"She is not evil!" I growled glaring at her across the darkness, "Don't you ever talk about her like that again!"

Abbie scoffed, "You have been gone for a long time. She's not the same woman you left behind all those years ago."

"I knew her well enough to marry her, she's my wife," I snapped.

There was a long pause, "Funny, you should say that."

"Why is that funny?"

"Because, I married her too."

Abbie pointed the flashlight down into the darkened stairway and began her descent down. I stood in place, utterly shocked at what I just heard. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the two of them being married. Then again, Liv dated Abbie long before I came along and I knew it was serious. After I died, Carmichael must have found a way to weasel her way back in. That means Olivia never sold her soul but still somehow brought about the end of the world.

It's depressing really, either way I end up getting killed. If Olivia doesn't sell her soul the world somehow ends. If Olivia does sell her soul, she faces Hell and the world might still come to an end. Neither option looks very promising.

"Are you coming or not?" Abbie yelled from the bottom of the steps.

I steeled my resolve and made my way slowly following the sound of Carmichael's voice.

I watched as Abbie lit lanterns in each corner making the room considerably brighter.

The basement was bare except a small cot with blankets and a bucket in the furthest corner. I felt a chill and shivered rubbing my arms to regain warmth.

"You let her sleep down here? It's freezing!"

"She deserves a place even colder than this!' Abbie said harshly, "She lives down here on her own choosing. It works out well because I would rather not see her face on a regular basis."

"Why do you hate her?" I whispered.

"I'll let her explain that to you one day, just look."

She sat down on the edge of the cot and slowly peeled back the blankets revealing a familiar face. I took a quick survey of her: flawless olive skin, beautiful brown eyes and long hair. She hadn't aged a day. This was the same woman I fell in love with, at least on the outside.

"Abbie, what are you doing down here? Is everything alright?"

Judging by Olivia's shock I could tell that Abbie had not been down here in a long time.

"Everything is fine," Abbie replied rather coldly.

"Can we talk please? I miss you so much. I love you."

I swallowed the knot in my throat. Remember Alex, you're dead in this time. There is no cause for you to be jealous. There is no need to burn deep down to your very core.

"This is not a social call, this is business, "Abbie said matter-of-factly. " I brought someone to see you."

Shock, horror to anger crossed Olivia's face in a matter of seconds, "You think it is funny to bring a shape shifter down here in that body? Why are you trying to torment me Abbie?! I can't say sorry enough. I know what I did was horrible but this…this is just cruel."

"She's no shape shifter."

Olivia pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her face in between them, "No, I don't believe it, get her away from me!"

"Look at her damn it!" Abbie snapped. "This is what you sacrificed everything for! Look at her, now!"

She took a fistful of hair forcing the terrified woman to look at me, "Stop you're hurting her! Leave her alone," I protested.

Abbie relented forcibly shoving Olivia's head away. I glared at her but she was hardly fazed, "There is a reason she came here. You are going to crawl out of this hole and face what you did."

"I can't, please don't make me go out there," Olivia pleaded.

"You won't find any pity from me. Get up, get dressed and meet us upstairs by the hour's end."

I gave Abbie the dirtiest look possible as she passed by, "Just remember what I told you," she growled.

I listened to her heavy footsteps until they disappeared up the stairs. "Is it really you?" I felt my face growing warmer by the way she stared up at me. Her expression was a combination of curiosity, weariness, desire and love.

Always, love.

"I'm Alex but not the same one you knew. Castiel has decided to teach me a lesson and I don't know what. The world might have gone to hell but you're still alive. That is the only thing I care about."

"Even if I was the one who caused the world to go to hell?" she sighed.

"No matter what," I said stubbornly even though my actions lately have not supported my words.

"It will matter one day, Alex. Trust me on this," she said softly.

At her request, I left Olivia to clean herself up and put on fresh clothes. We promised to catch up later and I looked forward to the time. I eventually found Abbie. She made a room in the captain's old office; everyone else slept in the crib. I wonder what she had accomplished to make these people follow her so faithfully?

I tapped lightly on the door and let myself in without waiting for an answer. Abbie's room was just as depressing as the basement with only a small bed in the corner and a few lanterns giving off dim light. Abbie quickly averted her gaze but not before I saw tears in her eyes. She wiped her eyes and frowned, "I didn't tell you to come in, Cabot. Can't you see I'm busy?'

"Are you alright?" I asked despite my better judgment.

"I lost Serena a few months ago. She was infected by a freak on a supply run. I put her down myself, like an animal!"

My hand shot up to my mouth. Tears threatened to burn from my eyes but I held them hard. This place is not real; it is only meant to scare me. None of this will come true. Not if I have anything to say about it.

Abbie patted the spot next to her and I reluctantly sat down.

"After you were gunned down Olivia started on a downward spiral that eventually led to the present chaos at hand. She had nearly drunk herself to death and everyone was at the end of their ropes. I came back here from D.C to help. It wasn't easy but I eventually got her into AA and talking to a therapist. She was doing so well," Abbie voice cracked with each sentence. It took a moment but she composed herself and continued, "After almost 2 years passed we got married. We eloped in secret at first and then announced it to everyone a few weeks later. We were happy."

For the first time ever, I found myself feeling sympathy for her. I quickly pushed the feeling away more shocked that I had even considered it. I tried to focus on the anger I felt towards her and it worked, to a certain extent...

"...And then they caught Liam Connors, the man who murdered you."

A ball of hatred welled up in my stomach so intense that I couldn't breathe. That bastard took my life without a second thought and I was powerless to stop him. The only reason I am living to hear the tale is because Liv offered up her precious soul to a demon to save my life.

"Everything went downhill from there. Olivia became obsessed with putting him away. She worked on the case day and night barely eating or sleeping. I worried about her but I gave her space because I knew she needed closure. They had a witness testimony to put him away but things turned sour, "Abbie explained. "The brakes on an SUV carrying the witness and three agents failed. It crashed into a gas truck and exploded killing everyone instantly. Everyone suspected the Cartel but nothing could be proven. Now that I look back, I suspect it was demon's work all along. Connors walked and disappeared from the radar. Olivia started to drink heavily again but it was even worse this time. She became abusive towards me, mentally and physically. I don't know why but I stuck it through. I loved her too much to let go."

Abbie ran a hand through her dark hair and continued, "I had enough when Olivia had an affair with Casey. After that, I left her and didn't look back. Serena helped me to start my life over and we eventually built a life together." She sneered and shook her head with disgust, "Two years ago, Olivia came back to me out of the blue clean and sober again. We hadn't spoken since the affair. She begged me to come back and I was stupid enough to go. I left Serena to save my marriage and she never forgave me for it. Little did I know that Olivia was addicted to something else; something a thousand times worse than alcohol. The worst part was—"

Before I could learn the truth, there was a frantic pounding on the door. A young man who looked strangely familiar rushed in full armor carrying a machine gun.

"Abbie. The infected have infiltrated the building. We have to go now or we won't be able to get out!" he exclaimed.

Abbie sprang into action with a growl. She reached under the low bed bringing out a shot gun with a belt of shells to sling across her shoulder, "Stay in here. Don't come out unless I tell you."

I wanted to go with her but I knew that I would be useless in any fight. Abbie and the young man hurried out slamming the door behind them. Shot after shot exploded outside of the door and I felt more helpless than ever. There was screaming and more shooting that seemed to go on forever.

The doorknob turned and I backed myself into a corner helpless. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I saw Olivia rush inside. She was wearing only a simple white dress and black boots.

"Alex, we have to leave now! Let's go!"

Olivia held out her hand and I took it without hesitation leading me out into the chaos, "Where is Abbie?" I asked trying hard to ignore the bodies littering the floor and the not so distant sounds of screaming.

"She went to help the other survivors in the building to escape. We'll meet up with them at the rendezvous point not far from here." I could hear the worry behind her voice.

Olivia held on to my hand tightly never stopping, never letting go. She led us from the precinct in record time out into the bright ruined city.

Once we were outside, Olivia finally released my hand, "From this point on don't trust anyone until you know they're not infected with the Croatoan virus. Not even Abbie."

"What about you? You could be infected too for all I know," I replied bending over to catch my breath.

"I'm immune to the virus and I'll know if a person is infected. Abbie once tried to experiment with my blood to find a cure but the research died with Warner. She nearly bled me dry."

"For Serena," I whispered slowly putting the puzzle pieces together.

Olivia neither confirmed nor disputed my theory but I could sense that I had opened some old wounds, "Let's keep moving."

We took to the back alleys moving fast and keeping quiet.

"It's not far from here. Abbie and the others will be waiting in a vehicle filled with gas and fresh supplies and ammos. We can find a safe place to rest before the day's end.

We walked for another hour or so. The sun beamed high above our heads. My shirt was damp with sweat and my stomach growled relentlessly. On the other hand, Liv was a completely unflustered. She wasn't even sweating. Her dress was still impossibly white and clean.

"Just around this corner." We came upon a liquor store and Liv walked passed it without a second glance. We took the nearest alley and sure enough there was a large white van waiting for us on the other side.

"If Abbie and the others don't show up in a few hours before the sun goes down we'll have to leave them behind. We don't want to be stuck in the dark without protection," Liv said grimly.

"Where will we go?" I asked.

"Some place rural. We'll be a lot safer away from the city. We'll probably end up leaving the state. Maybe, we'll go down south."

We were inches away from the van when a man stepped out from hiding. He was the biggest man I had ever seen in my life at least 7 feet or more. He was dressed in greasy filthy rags with no shoes on. He left a bloody foot print with each step. There was not a spark of humanity left behind his eyes.

Liv grabbed my wrist and pulled me behind her. I thought my heart might burst with love and pride. Unfortunately, Olivia's valor proved futile when the brute's massive fist struck her across the face sending her crashing into the concrete. I shouted and the man took me by the throat. The stench of him alone almost made me pass out. He squeezed my throat and I thought for sure I was a dead this time.

All of a sudden, the infected man dropped me roughly on the brutal concrete ground. His eyes darted back and forth wildly. He clawed at his throat creating deep bloody gashes.

Liv was back on her feet her fist clenched tightly and outstretched towards the infected man. It didn't take long to put two and two together, she was strangling him. The man fell to his knees, eyes bulging and pooling blood. She didn't stop. Not even when his eyes finally flew from the sockets and splattered on the pavement. I even saw the trace of a smirk on her face and a spark of amusement.

"Stop it!" I pleaded. I couldn't look anymore, I just couldn't, "He's dead, stop!"

Olivia looked up surprised as if she'd forgotten that I was there. Her eyes widened at the mutilated corpse lying on the ground freshly bleeding. My stomach churned and I dry heaved, but there was no food in my stomach to come back up.

Olivia then stood over the corpse but her words were directed at me, "Do you still love me? Even now?"

I thought it very strange of her to ask me that but I still gave her my answer nevertheless, ''Always."

"Then help me drag his body around the other side. If Abbie sees this she will try and kill me for sure."

Abbie's words rang inside my head. Could she really be evil? I quickly shook the thought away. If it wasn't for her the man would have killed me or worse infected me with the rage filled virus. Disgusted, I took the man's heavy legs refusing to go anywhere near his blood-spattered socket face. He weighed a ton even though Liv took most of the weight. By the time we dragged his body behind a dumpster my shoes were soaked with infected blood. I searched his pockets and found a knife that may prove useful later on. I was tired and sore all over. Olivia fared no better, her white dress was soaked at the stomach with blood and there was already a large purple bruise beginning to form where the man struck her. She leaned heavily against the dumpster and that's when I noticed small streams of blood trickling down from both eyes like tears. A thick trail of blood started down her nose as well.

Olivia swiped my hand away when I tried to help her, "It's nothing, just something that happens when I—," her voice trailed off and didn't finish the sentence. She tore the bottom of her dress and used it to clean herself up. We went back to the van and waited for Abbie as if nothing happened.

Soon enough Abbie and only a handful of survivors came bounding down the alleyway with heavy packs strapped on their backs. Following closely behind, was triple the amount of screaming, infected freaks chasing them. Liv curse climbing into the front seat to start the engine while I threw open the doors to let them in.

Once everyone was inside, Abbie and the others slammed the doors shut, "Step on it!" she shouted as the infected rushed us trying to tip the van over. Liv stepped on the gas and left the angry mob in our dust.

"What took so long?" Olivia hissed, eyes narrowing into the rearview mirror.

"We couldn't leave without the weapons. We wouldn't last long out here without them. I lost half of our group to those freaks as it is," Abbie retorted putting the duffel bag filled with guns down heavily next to her.

"So, you would sacrifice lives to go back for some fucking guns?!" Liv shouted.

"Let's not talk about sacrifice!" Abbie suddenly roared raising up from her seat. Blood and anger rushed to her face and I thought for sure she would attack Olivia.

The blood from Olivia's face drained, on the contrary. She fixed her eyes back to the road with a white knuckled grip on the steering wheel.

We rode in silence.

The journey was long and I became restless. I noticed that no one seemed to know exactly where we were going. We drove for days at a time, stopping only to refuel the gas guzzling van. I waited inside the bus on most of the runs and felt utterly useless. I couldn't shoot a gun and I couldn't fight. I was dead weight at best. We ate mostly junk food: chips, soda and candy. I was generally not a sweet eater and my stomach suffered in silence. They took canned goods and water to spare for harder times. Liv and I even found fresh clothes to wear.

I sat alone in the van when one of the other survivors decided to join me. Everyone else was scavenging for medical supplies in an already looted pharmacy.

The man smiled wolfishly and I only just so returned the gesture. He was the one who had struck me with the gun on my first day here, "There wasn't much left. Abbie sent me back here to protect the _precious_ cargo."

I glared at him and he had the decency to look flustered, "Look, about me hitting you the other day... I'm sorry alright? It wasn't personal, you just can't be too careful when it comes to the infected."

"I'll keep that in mind," I muttered.

"I didn't recognize you at first but now that I have my senses to me I remember going to your funeral when I was a kid."

"You went to my funeral?" I asked. I'll admit that he looked somewhat familiar but I still couldn't place him.

"Sure, I did. It's strange to see you alive but Abbie filled me in with what's going on."

My curiosity got the better of me, "Why do you follow Abbie? What's so special about her?"

"Abbie saved us. She taught us how to fight demons and all the other nastiness that came out when the world went to hell. Have you seen her fight? She always keeps a cool head in the battle. That's the kind of leader we needed."

I couldn't argue with the fighting part. Is that what Castiel sent me here to do? Become a warrior? If that was so, she didn't know me very well at all.

"You look familiar. Have we met?"

He grinned again and extended his hand over the seat, "Richard Stabler but you can call me Dick."

My mouth suddenly felt dry, "You're Elliot Stabler's son?"

I could suddenly see it: the eyes, the jaw, the attitude. He was all Elliot.

He released my hand and I could see anger rising quickly so much like his father, "Dad was killed in the very beginning. Mom, Maureen and even little Eli turned into those infected freaks. Now, it's just Kat, Liz and I left to carry on the family name."

"I'm sorry." I told him.

Why do I feel like this is all my fault?

He smiled and I saw the rage drain from him as quickly as it had built up, "So... I've noticed that you're an attractive woman and I just happen to be a man. I was thinking that we could-"

The door opened and my life safer climbed inside in the form of Abbie. I gave her a pleading look and she immediately took the hint, " _Dick_ , go and do a perimeter check-"

"Oh, but Alex and I were just chatting-" he started to protest.

" _Now_ ," Abbie said with a voice that left no room for arguments.

He grumbled and even kicked the seat but still left to secure the perimeter, "Sorry about that," Abbie apologized. "You can't blame the poor kid when half the group consists of his sister and other men. It's not like he has very many choices."

"I don't think any of us have much of a choice right now," I glanced out of the window and my heart lurched.

The world was in complete ruin, and quite frankly, so was my life.

I closed my eyes leaning against the window where I eventually fell asleep. When I finally opened them again, I was surrounded by a vast new setting. I was in a wide field of flowers, white orchids, for as far as the eye could see. The sky was ocean blue and a calm breeze whipped my hair.

Is this heaven?

I had not noticed before but a woman sat not far from me staring out into the distance. She wore a white sleeveless dress with purple orchids weaved through flaming red hair. I slowly made my way over noticing that the flowers seemed not to crush under my steps.

"Casey."

Casey slowly looked away from the horizon and stood to greet me, "Alex? What…are you doing here?"

I'm not sure how I should feel about her. I suppose I should feel grateful that she saved my life. If she hadn't let Castiel take her body, Liv and I would both be dead.

"Am I dreaming? Where are we?" I asked.

The flame of Casey's hair was so bright that I could hardly stand to look at it, "I wake up here every day, wherever _here_ is. My family comes to visit me sometimes, even Liv but never _you,"_ she explained _._ "This place is beautiful but strange and lonely. I…I think that I am trapped somewhere."

"Don't you remember giving your body up to that angel?" I asked carefully.

As if Castiel had heard me, the gentle wind picked up speed and grew tumultuous. The bright sky disappeared behind black storm clouds emitting powerful bolts of lightning. Soon, the flowers and soil uprooted in the violent wind forming a dark and beautiful tornado. I squeezed my eyes shut and threw myself down on the ground. The chaos seemed to go on for hours with no end in sight.

Then, just like that it was over. The storm clouds disappeared and the flowers grew again brighter and more glorious than before.

Strange.

"I remember now," Casey replied. "My mind is trapped here while my body is being used as a vessel." She swept her hand across the field, "Castiel tries to make things comfortable but whenever she flies it's like being strapped to the outside of a tornado."

"Why did Castiel send me to that place? What can I possible accomplish there?"

"Maybe she sent you there as a warning," Casey snapped. "Olivia wasn't doing you any favors by keeping everything in the dark. There is a war coming and you're in the center of it. You have to be ready."

"Ready for what?"

She held my hand, "To save Olivia; or stop her."

I didn't like what she was implying. Is she hinting that I might have to kill my own wife? There is no way that I could ever do that.

"Are you saying that Liv will destroy the world no matter what happens to me?" I was grasping her hand tightly but Casey didn't flinch or show any sign of pain. This was a dream, after all.

"I don't know that, Alex. While I'm trapped here I don't know much of anything."

The blue sky began to melt and I felt myself trying to wake up, "Goodbye Casey."

"Goodbye Alex." To my surprise, Casey slowly leaned in to kiss me. When our lips touched, the world went black again.

I woke up with a gasp. My shirt was drenched with sweat and my mouth was dry.

"Here drink this."

It was dark but I knew Olivia's voice and felt safe. Although the water in the bottle was lukewarm I gulped it down and wanted more.

"Where are we?" I asked sitting up.

"You fell asleep hours ago and no one could wake you up. We found a gas station to hide in until sunrise."

I could make out the faint lines of shelves and merchandise but I didn't see any of the other survivors.

"Where is everyone?"

"Some freaks were following us. Abbie and the others took the van to throw them off our trail."

Fear shot up my spine, "Are they coming back?'

There was survival in numbers. If the others didn't bother to come back we were as good as dead. Liv was silent for so long, I almost asked her the question again, "I don't know Alex. Either way, I will protect you."

"Liv?"

"Yes?"

"Will you hold me?"

I laid back down on the hard-cold tile and buried my face into her chest. Her arms encircled me holding me tightly until I felt sand sprinkling over my eyes again. She smelled the same. I closed my eyes and pretended that I was home again.

When Olivia gently shook me awake the next morning, I suspected that she hadn't slept at all during the entire night. Dark circles pooled under her eyes and her olive skin was paler than usual.

"What's going on?" I asked. The other survivors were standing together in a circle and I heard sobbing.

"We lost somebody last night, Richard's twin sister, Liz. She was infected and Abbie had to put her down."

"Why didn't you wake me up?" I hissed.

She reached out to stroke my face, "I tried to Alex but you were dead asleep."

I felt ashamed and stood up from the hard floor. My back ached in protest. We both joined the circle and stared at the body covered neck high in a clean white sheet. Her twin, sobbing, cradled her head in his lap. The oldest of the siblings stood vigil over them both, silent but no less distraught. It was Abbie who worried me the most. Her fists clenched tightly at her side and I saw a thin trail of blood running down her wrists. Her face was red with rage and I knew she was staring down at Serena's body covered in that sheet.

"Where do we go from here?" asked a man from the group. Karl, I think his name is or Steve.

"We have to get out of the city for sure. Out of the state even better," Liv said casting a wary eye at her estranged wife.

"Don't you get it? Last night proved that there is no way out of the state right now! The interstates are over run by those things. Everywhere we go there are a million of those freaks and only seven of us!' Abbie snapped.

"We have to try, Abbie." Olivia said softly.

"No," she hissed. "We're staying right here and find a place to fortify. "I won't risk anymore lives on that interstate. If we should get caught on it after the sun goes down there will be nowhere to run or hide."

"We can find a boat and ride the coast all the way down to Virginia or even Florida."

"Even if we could find a boat how in the hell would we fuel it? How would we navigate it? We're staying and that's final!"

"At least I'm trying to think of something! There is no use of giving up Abbie!" Liv protested.

"To hell with you and your ideas. Be ready to leave in an hour or get left behind," she grumbled.

Liv looked as though she wanted to argue more. In the end, she gathered up her meager belongings and rode with the rest of the group.

We left the body behind.

After the gas station incident, Abbie began drinking heavily. How she kept managing to find alcohol, I don't know. She seemed to have abandoned her duties as leader and spent most of the time slumped drunk in the van's back row. Kathy Stabler took over for a time without a hint of resentment. I suspect something like this had happened before. I shook my head remembering how troubled the girl had once been and now she was a leader. Abbie leaned on her shoulders sometimes both literally and figuratively. I couldn't help but notice how Liv looked on the two with unconcealed envy and loneliness. I couldn't even comfort her.

We had been traveling on the road again for almost a week. The group drives all day and scrambles to find a safe place before the sun goes down. This is unbearable. I miss _my_ Liv. I miss flushing toilets, electricity and hot food.

I miss home.

"We'll stop here for the night. This place looks as good as any," Kathy suggested a seemingly abandoned department store. I know that we were somewhere upstate but not exactly sure where. At least we managed to get out of the city.

"I don't think this is such a good idea," Liv replied. "It's too big to actually secure fully. There could be a dozen infected inside or a hundred.

"The sun has gone down already, Aunt Liv. We don't really have that many other options," the young woman argued.

"You heard her," Abbie said glaring at Olivia. "If the kid says were staying here, we're staying. We'll sweep the place in pairs. Call out if anyone sees anything."

"Fine," Liv shrugged jamming a clip into her gun.

To my horror, she held out a gun for me to use as well, "I have never used one before," I stammered. The weapon felt too heavy and my hands began to shake.

"Only use it as a last resort. I don't have time right now but I _will_ properly teach you how to use a gun." In the meantime, she showed me how to take the safety off and put in another clip if needed, "Let's go."

We followed the group inside and immediately split on our own. The store was completely ransacked but seemingly empty. That was good news, at least. Liv led us by flashlight through what used to be an electric department. A dead man dressed in a security uniform was slumped against one of the shelves. Liv kicked him hard in the ribs but he didn't were TV's and other useless junk but also batteries for our flashlights. When the coast was clear, she turned back to me and smiled, "You did great.'

"Let's find go back and find the others," I said still feeling unsafe.

"Wait, I've been meaning to ask you something Alex. I... I've noticed that you always wear a ring. Are you married to someone in your time?"

"I'm married to you in my time,' I said softly. I wish that I didn't have to feel this overwhelming sadness when thinking of her. I'm not even sure that I have a marriage left to go home to. I've screwed things up badly.

Even in the darkness I could see her face brighten up, "Are we happy...together I mean?'

I couldn't stand to tell her the truth. There was no need for us both to suffer, "Yes, we're happy," I lied uneasily.

"Don't do that, Alex," she replied. "I can handle it.'

My lips began to tremble, I didn't even try to fight the tears, "No, we're not."

Her face visibly fell, "Why not?"

I started from the beginning. I told her everything from Witness Protection to last week. She stood patiently and listened without interrupting.

"I sold my soul?' she whispered after I was done. "The night that you were killed, Elliot took me back to his place. I never had a moment by myself."

That means that Liv never encountered the demon on the subway and made the deal. Just one night with Elliot made all the difference in the world.

"After you died I went through some pretty rough times but I started to get better. Then they let Connors walk when our only reliable witness was killed. I should have tried to make peace with it. I had a good life here with Abbie. We were happy. I should have let you go a long time ago, Alex. I know that now," I could see her expression darken, "But they _stole_ you away from me! I just wanted justice for you but they took that away as well! I couldn't let them get away with that!'

"What did you do?' I asked almost scared to know the answer.

"One day a demon came to me. It told me that I could have what my heart desired most with no cost. I asked it to bring you back to life but too much time had already passed. Your sold had moved on to the other side and wouldn't come back. The demon could have forced you _back_ but your soul would have been tainted. You would have been an empty shell. I couldn't have you back, I would have the next best thing, revenge."

"I hunted all of them down one by one. Everyone who had a hand in your death was put down like the animals they were. I slaughtered them," she growled. "But it didn't stop there. Soon all those sick rapists and pedophiles joined my list, they all deserved to die! Every single one of them and I did it for you!"

I slapped her with such force that my wedding ring opened up her lip, "How dare you kill in my name? Do you think I wanted that?!" I demanded.

She smirked absently wiping blood away with the back of her hand, "You were too dead to care about what you wanted Alex.'

I tried to slap her again but she easily blocked me, "You asked for the truth. After I killed all those animals I became something...something else. I lost myself and soon innocents began to suffer. There was one that I regret with all my heart. I know there is a special place in hell waiting for me when I die."

Olivia turned her back to me, "Abbie will never forgive me. I don't deserve to be forgiven," She leaned against the shelf next to the dead man and began sobbing.

I was angry with but my hand still reached out to comfort her.

The seemingly dead corpse sprang back to life.

"Crowley sends his love," There was a flash of metal and Liv screamed. She collapsed forward bringing the entire shelf down. Smiling the man looked up at me revealing onyx demon eyes.

"No!" I heard myself screaming. "No!"

The gun was in my hand firing rapidly until I heard a click. Still, the demon kept coming towards me holding the knife soaked with Liv's blood. She grabbed him by the ankles and tackled him to the ground.

"Run Alex!" she gurgled out but my feet stood firmly in place. I couldn't leave her, not like this.

"Move!" a raspy voice shouted. Abbie hurried past me and skidded to her knees beside the demon. She raised a knife with jagged edges over her head and plunged repeatedly into the creatures back. The body ignited with an orange glow and faded into nothingness. The corpse slumped limply against Liv who was breathing rapid, shallow breaths. I stumbled over to her and cradled the wounded woman in my arms, "No, please you can't die."

Olivia was trying to talk but only managing to gurgle up blood. I moaned and pressed my hand against the wound in her abdomen. The blood seeped freely through my fingers while I felt powerless. There were no hospitals left, no one who could save her. All I could do was sob.

The others came running and Abbie began barking orders, "Kat get your ass over here. The rest of you find some bandages, water and towels."

The Stabler girl slid down next to me cursing. She was saying something but I couldn't hear her. I felt her trying to take Liv away from me and I held on tighter. She was growing cold, too cold. I was losing her. I can't lose her. I won't lose her! Two of the survivors took ahold of my arms and dragged me away kicking and screaming at the top of my lungs.

"Somebody shut her up before she wakes the entire city!" I heard Abbie shout.

A strong hand pressed a cloth against my mouth and I breathed in a suffocating odor. I began to get sleepy. I tried to fight it with every fiber of my being but the darkness took a hold of me and wouldn't let go.

I don't know how much time passed but I woke up with a pounding headache. None of that mattered. All I could think of was her. They laid me on one of the display beds with Liv not far. The room was spinning but I managed to stumble my way over to her. _Please be alive baby, please be alive_. Her skin was pale and cold as ice but I could just make out the faint trace of her chest rising. Still, I could also see her shirt and bandages soaked with blood, as well as the bed underneath. I couldn't help but notice that other survivors were nowhere to be found. Panicking, I ran to the front doors and scanned the now empty parking lot. The van was gone.

They had left us.

Numbly, I stumbled back to Liv and sat down gently on the bed. I took her cool hand and held it against my cheek.

"They left us, baby. But I'm not going to leave you. No matter what, I'll never leave you again."

I secured the place as best as I could. I used some long sheets of wood panel and nails to block the front entrance. I found some heavy blankets and comforters to keep us warm. To say I was afraid was an underestimate. I knew that I couldn't protect us if any hostiles managed to break in. No wonder the others left me, what good was I to them without Liv? Liv could fight. She could strategize. She could survive. I was simply dead weight.

It was hopeless.

I managed to put a clean sheet under Liv. I pulled a heavy blanket over both us and nestled myself into her uninjured side. I wanted to cry but the tears just wouldn't come.

They came for us after 3 days.

I heard them first screaming and pounding at the doors. It was the middle of the night and I was exhausted. I listened to the noise for a while before I pulled the covers back over my head and drifted back to sleep. The wood seemed to be holding well enough. I might as well get enough sleep if I was going to die soon.

The next morning, a cold hand shook me and then covered my mouth before I could scream. Relief, fear and anger washed over me when I saw who the hand belonged to.

"Where in the hell have you been!" I shouted after Abbie released my mouth.

"I didn't have time to explain myself. I had to go on a supply run in the middle of the night," she replied breathlessly.

"Where are the others?" My joy of not being alone anymore quickly replaced any animosity I felt.

"We separated a couple days ago. The purpose of the mission was to find a hospital and get supplies. We made it to a hospital but it was over-run with freaks. The others were too afraid to go in; they said there was no way in and no way out. Instead of coming back this way, they decided to move on. Kat wanted to stay with me but I told her to go."

I was disappointed that she came back empty handed but still grateful that she came back at all.

"How did you get back inside?" I asked.

"I came in through the back-storage room. The freaks haven't found it yet so the way was clear."

"What are we going to do about Liv?' Her pulse was slowing down. Now, I could barely feel it. She was colder...

"Alex, I'm infected," Abbie said after a bout of silence.

I fought for the right words but nothing would come save stumbling.

She held up her pants leg to reveal a hideous bite mark bleeding and swollen. The veins in her leg were already turning black.

"It happened on the way back from the hospital. I was cornered by 4 of them when my car ran out of gas. I fought them off but one managed to bite me. I might have an hour left, if I'm lucky. You have to live, Alex. You have to make sure this world never happens. You have to save us all."

"You can't turn," I stammered, "We'll never make it without you!"

"Liv will wake up after I give her this but she'll be... different for a time. Remember what I told you back at the station and try to endure it. I hope she is still down in there somewhere."

"I don't understand."

Abbie reached in her pocket and took out a long silver flask. I watched her limp over to the other side of the bed. She gazed down at Olivia almost lovingly before moving a stray piece of hair from her face. Next, she planted a small kiss on her lips and placed the flask opening between them. Thick, dark red liquid drizzled down the corners of Liv's unconscious lips before it dawned on me that Abbie was giving her blood to drink. Anger and bile raised from my stomach and I tried to knock the container away.

I earned myself a hard elbow for my troubles.

"What are you doing?!"

"It's better this way," Abbie said coldly staring down at me from my position on the floor. When Liv began to sputter and thrash wildly Abbie sneered and held her down. She finally stood and let the empty flask drop on the bed. Meanwhile, Olivia started to convulse violently.

Abbie grimaced and suddenly dropped to one knee growling and clenching her fist. I scrambled to Liv and placed my hand against her shoulders.

Her skin was now hot like fire.

With a scream of rage, Abbie tackled me from behind. I managed to turn myself over only giving the infected woman easier access to my throat. She proceeded to strangle the life from me. I clawed at her hands but she only tightened her strangle hold on me. When I was beginning to fade, a voice told me to remember the pocket knife I kept in my shoe. I fumbled under Abbie until I felt the cold steel hand. The blade sprang up with a flick of my wrist and I shoved it in her jugular. Abbie's grip finally loosened and I kicked her away.

I took two long precious gulps of air while Abbie lay on the floor gushing blood. Even dying, her eyes were ignited with rage. Despite her trying to kill me, I felt my cheeks wet with sorrow. She was fading away fast.

For the first time in nearly four days, Olivia sat up.

Her eyes coldly scanned the store before focusing on Abbie. Throwing the blankets off herself, she robotically left the bed and went to stand over Abbie as she died.

The infected woman opened her eyes lethargically. Blood gushed through her fingers. Her lips were turning a pale blue, "I don't forgive you! I'll never forgive you!" Abbie spat out causing her throat to fill up with blood. She swallowed but more replaced it, "You...killed...our...daughter, L..Li…"

Abbie gurgled with her last breath. Her hand slacked and her eyes stared up blankly at the ceiling.

Before I had time to process the information, I heard the glass upfront finally give way. The infected poured in yelling and looting as they came.

They tripped and fell over each other in their pursuit of us but I trembled for another reason. Abbie's words echoed inside my head _, "You killed our daughter."_

That can't be true.

I've always wanted to have children of my own someday. I couldn't imagine that Olivia would hurt one of ours. She loved children and has devoted her life trying to protect them.

The infected horde was literally in our faces but seemed to be held back by an invisible wall. Liv took slow deliberate steps towards me completely ignoring the angry hostiles. She stepped over Abbie's body to do so with her head held up high.

"I need you to close your eyes, Alex. Just for a moment." Has she gone completely insane?! There are rage filled monsters trying to kill us and she wants me to close my eyes?

Even as I started to protest the thought furiously, a little voice whispered in the back of my mind. It told me that everything would be alright if I obeyed. In a daze, my eyes fluttered shut and the world exploded around us.

The sound of the explosion and dozens of people screaming out all at once was deafening. A shriek of my own died inside of my throat. I tried to open my eyes but the voice whispered for me to keep them closed.

_No, this isn't right! Something isn't right!_

I resisted the alluring voice and forced my eyelids open by sheer will power. The building around us raged with flames but I seemed to be unharmed. Everyone else was dead. Their bodies were reduced to nothing more than burnt black cinders. Liv stood in the center of the chaos with her back facing me. She giggled and her palm dropped lazily to her side.

"I thought I asked you to keep your eyes closed," Olivia replied as if she were scolding a child.

"What have you done?" I gasped out. There was no way that she could have caused this explosion.

Impossible.

"Don't you _really_ want to ask me about what Abbie said before she died?"

"Is it true?" I asked stiffly.

"How about I let you decide?"

She turned around agonizingly slow.

I didn't realize that the screams of horror were coming from me until I felt my throat go raw, "You're not Olivia! You're not!"

White marble eyes glowed back at me with just the hint of amusement, "You can choose to believe whatever you want but in the end, we both know the truth. No matter what you do, this is what I am going to become. It doesn't make a difference if you live or die. It's inevitable, Alexandra."

My horror transformed into a cold defiance, "You want to bet?"

She took a threatening step forward, "You were always too stubborn for your own good."

"I promise to save you, Liv. I still love you."

Olivia sneered in response and raised her hand, "Love this…"

The sound was deafening…

TBC


	12. One Month Left

A Deal to Die For

Chapter 12: One Month Left….

It has been over a week since we left Cabot's apartment. I mentally prepared myself for Olivia's downward spiral but it never came. If I hadn't been there to witness the nasty fight I could have sworn that nothing really happened at all. There was no drowning in self-pity, no drinking binges, and no black out rages. If anything, she poured even more effort into catching the demon, whoever it was. I'm starting to feel like these demons are smarter than we gave them credit for. Whenever we take a step forward they seem to have already taken two.

It's maddening.

Sam and Dean have had encounters with Crowley and lived to tell the tale. They plan to summon him again if all other leads fail. If I still had the demon killing gun I would just put a bullet through his head on principle alone. Hopefully, we can get to the bottom of this 'Liv will end the world' fiasco and save her soul in the process.

My eyes were swimming as I finished the final passage in a fairly famous book called Revelations. Despite its name, the book was another dead end just like all the others. My watch clicked a quarter past midnight as I stretched my aching limbs and stood up from the kitchen table.

"I'm heading to bed now. Are you sure the couch is comfortable enough?"

Liv glanced up from the book she was flipping through, a small smirk crossed her lips, "The torture racks in hell were more comfortable."

"The bed is big enough for both of us. I promised not to touch."

Olivia shook her head, "I believe you Abbie. I just don't trust _myself_ right now. I'm too vulnerable."

Before I could answer, her phone rang. The only people that called this late were Sam and Dean. Nowadays, it seems like they were the only people that called.

She looked down at the caller id and then back at me. I sighed knowingly, "If it's Alex you probably should take it. Maybe she finally wants to talk."

"It's Serena."

My heart dropped down in my chest as she took the call. I haven't spoken to Serena since being possessed by the demon. She refused all my attempts to get in contact with her. When I showed up at her apartment building, the doorman wouldn't even let me through.

I can take a hint.

Go ahead and throw away almost twenty years of friendship and a year of dating over the word of some demon.

See if I care.

I crossed my arms and tried not to listen to the conversation. After a moment Olivia took the phone away from her ear and hung up.

"What did she say?" I asked as nonchalantly as possible.

Olivia was already up from the couch and heading for the door. I lunged forward and caught her arm before she could escape, "Where-."

I saw the terror in her eyes and I didn't need to ask again. Something was wrong with Alex. Without waiting for her response, I ran into the room and threw on my brown leather jacket in record time. I grabbed a sawed off shot gun loaded with rock salt and followed Benson outside.

She filled me in on the way to Cabot's place. Serena hadn't heard from Alex in over a week. That meant no one had heard from her.

Olivia hung up for the fifth time after going straight to voicemail. I pressed down harder on the gas. To be honest, I didn't give a shit about Alex but if she died Benson would be the one to suffer. I slammed on the breaks at the curb and threw the car into park.

I felt the adrenaline rushing through my veins as I tucked the sawed off into my jacket and rushed into the building after Benson.

"Mrs. Benson welcome home-."

Olivia brushed past the man without such as a second glance. The elevator ride was long and tense. I uncovered the shot gun as soon as the doors opened. Soundlessly, we crept to the door and Olivia used her key to unlock it.

Everything was quiet.

From what I can tell not a thing was out of place. Still, I kept my finger over the trigger just to be safe. We quickly swept the living room, kitchen and spare bedroom. Nothing seemed out of place. Taking the lead, I slowly walked into the master bedroom to find no signs of struggle. Olivia plopped down on the bed with a frustrated sigh, "Where could she be?"

"Not sure, maybe Castiel will know." I said finally lowering the shot gun. For all we know, Cabot just ran out of town with her tail between her legs. She's good at selfishly leaving the person that loves her most.

Nothing new.

I scoffed to myself as Benson called Serena back. I silently let myself into the master bathroom to escape their conversation. I was midway through the door and my heart felt like it was ripped from my chest.

Cabot lay sprawled on the white tile blonde hair surrounding her face like a fan. Her skin was too pale. My eyes shot to the bottle of pills haphazardly sprawled next. She wasn't moving.

_No no no! You can't be this selfish. You can't be this cold hearted._

I practically slid over to her side and placed my ear against her chest. I could've cried when I heard the faint heartbeat.

_It's not too late._

The tub was filled to the brim with water. If I can just get her in the cold water she might wake up.

"Abbie-."

I pushed myself off the floor and intercepted Olivia at the door. She was hysterical in a matter of seconds. I knew if I didn't get through to her quickly I would lose her again. "Look at me," I hissed. I slapped her hard, "I said look at me Benson."

Reluctantly she tore her eyes off the woman lying on the floor, "She's alive but I need you to hold it together. Can you do that?" I demanded. I slapped her hard again when she didn't respond, "Can you do that?!"

She finally bowed her head, "I can do it."

"Help me get her in the tub."

Each taking a side we managed to slide the limp woman into the cool water. I climbed in with her and cradled the blonde in my arms. I turned on the shower cold water and directed the stream over our heads, "Don't you give up now, Cabot. Do you hear me?"

I hoped the cold water running down my face masked my tears. I wasn't crying for her.

She still wasn't responsive.

Olivia took her wife's cold hand and pressed it to shaking lips, "Please don't leave me again. I don't know what I would do if you went away."

"Benson, call an ambulance."

There seemed to be no other choice.

"That won't be necessary." A pale hand placed her hand around Olivia's wrist and lowered the phone. I suppressed a yell as Castiel, the angel possessing Casey Novak's body, appeared seemingly out of thin air.

"You have got to stop doing that."

Castiel ignored me and kneeled beside the tub pressing two index fingers against the blonde's forehead.

Alex gasped.

I held the gasping woman's head above water as he struggled to catch her breath.

"Do you want to tell us what the hell is going on here?" I demanded.

Castiel snapped her fingers.

I shook the sudden fog off my head to discover I was now standing in dry clothes in Cabot's living room. The blonde, now dry, sat with her head in her hands.

The room became silent.

Benson stood with her arms crossed looking at Cabot but trying _not_ to look at her. She seemed absolutely miserable. Her eyes were bloodshot, from crying. Her hair was shaggy, her jacket hung just a little looser. I didn't see it before but maybe she _was_ having a breakdown. She was just doing a better job at hiding it. How much more could she take?

"Cabot, tell us what happened," I said softly.

Alex slowly removed the hands covering her face. I waited for the look of icy hate the blonde always reserved especially for me. Today, that look wasn't there.

Did I miss something?

"I was there the night Olivia sold her soul," Alex replied almost robotically, "I was a ghost. I saw everything."

"Then I woke up here in the city, it was destroyed. Most people were infected with a virus called Croatoan. It turned them into homicidal maniacs. There were very few survivors."

Before I could move Benson growled and pressed Castiel forcefully against a nearby wall, "Are you out of your mind sending her to a place like that? She could've been killed!"

Alex quickly jumped to her feet, "Olivia stop!" The tension in the room was sharper than a blade. This was the first time the two had spoken since the argument, "You can't protect me anymore!"

"I'm trying to keep you alive, Alex," Benson seethed but she removed her strangle hold from stoic angel, "If you go and get yourself killed this was all for nothing."

"Can we have the room please?" Alex replied coldly. Cabot said please but her tone suggested that it really wasn't a request.

The Ice Bitch is back.

I started to protest but thought better about it. The sooner they settled things, the sooner we could get back to business.

Before I left, I squeezed Benson's shoulder for good luck and grabbed the oblivious angel yanking her out with me.

I wonder if angels can get drunk.

* * *

Only one way to find out.

I watched Abbie leave and overwhelming sadness enclosed me. In the end, she had come back for Liv and I when the others left us behind. I guess underneath that tough exterior was a woman who really cared. And I was the one to kill her.

I never killed anyone before.

I could still see the blood pooling through her finger tips. I doubt I would ever get that image out of mind.

It was almost as bad as seeing Liv with marble eyes sneering at me.

Almost.

The last thing I remember was white blistering explosion. I felt the flesh sizzling on my face and a scream die inside my throat.

I thought I was dead for sure.

At the last possible instant, Castiel appeared untouched by the blinding light of destruction. She touched my forehead and the next thing I know I was back home.

"Are you just going to stare off into space or do you have something you need to say," Olivia interrupted my thoughts.

I turned to her.

I'm home. I'm finally home back to her. The nightmare is over.

No, Alex. The nightmare has just begun.

I didn't waste any more time crossing the room and throwing my arms around the woman I loved. I let the familiar smell of leather and lavender envelope me. I wasn't too caught up in the reunion to notice that she didn't return the embrace.

After the way things left off, who could blame her.

I took her face between my hands, "I am so sorry."

Those words didn't even begin to describe how truly sorry I was. Olivia wouldn't even look at me. Her eyes were fixed on an invisible object in space.

"Please say something." I felt tears prickling the back of my eyes and I didn't try to hold them back.

Olivia shrugged, "There is nothing left to say Alex. You made things clear."

I grabbed her face again, "You don't have to be alone with this anymore."

"I'm not alone anymore. I have Abbie now."

Olivia shrunk away from my touch but I didn't let her get too far away. I took her hand and twisted the band around her finger, "That may be true but I'm your wife."

"The last time we talked you said you hated me and asked me where to send divorce papers to, Alex."

I can't even begin to excuse my behavior. I was so angry that I can't remember half of the things I said that night.

"I was afraid, that you loved Abbie more than me."

"Are you fucking serious, Alex?

"—And I was afraid of that but most of all I felt guilty. You sacrificed everything for me and I couldn't even begin to make that up to you let alone live with myself."

"Why couldn't you just say that?" Olivia demanded.

"I didn't want to see the truth but I do now. Let me be by your side again. I promise I'll be everything you ever wanted me to be."

I could see Olivia's jaw clenched and tears spilling down her face. It broke my heart to know that I was the person to cause her the most pain. After a moment Oliva finally turned to me, "Run away with me, Alex." Her beautiful brown eyes once filled with so much warmth and caring were bloodshot and cold.

"I don't understand, you'll die in a month unless we find this demon."

Olivia chuckled bitterly, "Everyone knows I'm dead. I don't want to spend my last days hunting for some demon getting everyone I love killed. I brought this on myself and I'm going to face the consequences."

"You're doing just want they want," I protested.

Olivia's shoulder's sagged, "I'm so _tired._ I don't want to go on. I _can't_ go on."

I _could_ run away with Olivia. We could spend one glorious month together.

Then I would be forced to watch her die.

That will never happen.

I cupped her face between my hands, "I can't live in the world without you in it. I _won't."_

"Alex, what are you saying-."

What exactly was I saying? Before I could find a way not to explain myself, I could of swore I heard the flutter of wings….

I jumped as Castiel touched my shoulder, "You both need to come with me right away."

Without explanation or even waiting for my consent, the angel touched my forehead and whisked us away.

* * *

I blinked and found myself in unfamiliar surroundings. Damn that angel. First, it takes Casey's body. I feel my heart ache every time I have to look at her. Then, she puts Alex in danger by sending her to an apocalyptic world.

Now what.

The first thing I notice is that I'm back in Abbie's apartment. The second thing I noticed is that four other people besides Alex and I are here: Abbie, Sam, Dean, and the demon that tried to murder Alex.

Crowley.

The demon possessing a middle-aged gentleman smiled at me with ease as if we were old pals. Crowley sat on Abbie's couch dressed in a gray Armani suite swirling a glass of scotch in his hand.

As if he hadn't ordered another demon to possess me and try to kill my wife.

I felt my blood boil.

"How can you stand next to this thing after he tried to kill Serena and Alex!" I growled towards Abbie.

Abbie's eyes narrowed to slits towards me. I could see her fist was balled in a white knuckled ball. She looked ready to pounce at any moment.

"Ladies please. Can we put that nasty bit of business behind us?" Crowley replied smugly.

The world was disappearing in haze of red. This bastard turns my life upside down and he just sits casually like nothing happened?

I'll kill him.

I don't know how but I'll find some way to kill him.

I'll rip his heart right through his throat. I'll-

I didn't realize that Alex had been saying my name until she stepped directly in front of me blocking my path of Crowley.

"Liv, stop."

Blue eyes invaded my red vision. When Alex spoke calming words to me, I felt the red rage slowly fade away.

And suddenly I could breathe again.

Crowley tapped lightly against his glass, "Wow, I must say Alexandra you have a fine way of taming the beast. Now if you're done, can we begin?"

"Begin, what you evil bastard."

"It just so happens to be your lucky day, love. I am going to let you out of your deal," he countered.

"Is this a joke?"

"Olivia, we did some talking with Crowley," Sam, the taller of the demon hunting brothers with long hair explained, "He's gonna let you out of your deal and in exchange Dean and I will owe him a favor."

"That's all?" I said suspiciously.

"Trust me darling. Having a favor from the Winchesters is worth more than your sodding soul. Let's get on with it, shall we?"

I nodded not trusting my voice. I turned to Abbie who was grinning from ear to ear. All of our hard work has finally paid off.

Crowley stood up and set his scotch on the table, "Let's take a look at your contract." He snapped his finger.

I felt a searing pain coursed through my body. I gritted my teeth as I noticed words written in what appeared to be latin etched in my skin.

"Everything seems to be in order. You Olivia Benson gave your soul to crossroads demon Amy in exchange for Alexandra Cabot's life and eight years to live," the demon sighed and rolled his eyes, "What a bloody idiot. Do you know the standard deal is for 10 years? My heart is going to bloody explode."

I clenched my jaw but ignored his insults. I'm just glad Castiel killed that bitch Amy. Cheating me out of two years….

"Your contract is now null and void-."

He snapped his finger.

Nothing happened.

He snapped his finger again.

Still nothing.

The words remained etched on my skin.

He snapped again.

Nothing.

"Strange," the demon replied. "Something seems to be wrong."

"What could possibly be wrong now?" I gritted out. The longer the words remained on my skin the hotter they burned.

"Well this is quite embarrassing ladies and gentlemen but I don't actually own her soul."

"What the hell Crowley!" Dean, the older but shorter brother growled. "You're supposed to be the king of hell. We had a deal."

"I know bloody well who I am," Crowley replied with only the hint of annoyance, "But as I said before I don't actually own her soul although I damn well should."

By this time, I could barely keep up with their conversation as the walls were starting to close in on me. From the corner of my eyes, I could just make out the tears beginning to shine in Alex's eyes. I couldn't even comfort her.

I couldn't even comfort myself for that matter.

"Guys, I guess it's time to go on to Plan B," Sam replied interrupting their incessant bickering. "Olivia, can you come sit down? Castiel is going to try and help you now."

I stumbled over to the chair that Sam was pointing to. At this point, I have given up all hope of ever being saved. I was just going through the motions, "What are you going to do to me?" I heard myself ask hardly caring.

"I'm going to look into your soul. I warn you this will be quite painful." Castiel said solemnly.

Dean took off his belt and handed it to me, "Bite down on this."

I reluctantly took the belt and placed it in between my teeth. I closed my eyes while biting down on the leather.

"If you have a safe place in your mind. You should go there."

Without warning, I felt excruciating pain underneath my rib cage. I bit down hard on the belt and let out a muffled scream. Minutes went by and the pain showed no sign of letting up.

I was beginning to see stars.

I managed to open my eyes just to see what the hell she was doing. What I saw was an angel's hand surrounded by light vanishing into my chest.

"Strange, I can't-."

The pain subsided as the angel was thrown violently across the room. The belt fell from my mouth and I felt myself falling over. Alex was by my side in an instant helping to keep me upright with Abbie not far behind. It took a quite a while for me to catch my breath but eventually I did.

I watched as Dean helped Castiel off the floor. The angel was in worst shape then I was. There was blood gushing from a cut on her forehead and lip.

"Cass, what the hell happened man?" Dean retorted holding the angel up.

"I tried to look into Olivia's soul, and it was warded with a powerful ancient spell. If I had tried to get any closer I would have perished," the angel said breathlessly.

"W..What does that mean?" I stammered.

After gaining her own footing, Castiel gave me the best look of sympathy she could probably muster, "I know who you are now. I know what the demons want."

"What is it Cass?"

I didn't know if it were Sam or Dean who asked the question. Castiel slowly stepped forward to address everyone in the room. She sighed and said the words that I would never forget as long as I lived.

"This woman is a reincarnation of Lilith."

Who?

I didn't have long to think as I heard the familiar click of gun hammers. Before I knew what happened, Sam and Dean both had their guns trained on me with fingers on the trigger.

I raised both hands in the air.

TBC.

Excuse any spelling/grammar mistakes. Tell me what you think.


End file.
